


Infinite Love

by aftermathangel



Series: Infinite Love [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 56,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftermathangel/pseuds/aftermathangel
Summary: Sauli deals with torture every day from the soccer team, the leaders of the school. But that all changes when Adam the captain of the team befriends him, making him believe that true love actually exists.





	1. Used To It

The dampness on the moist soil soaked into my two sizes too big tennis shoes traveling to my sock and spreading inward. Why did I have to miss the last bus? It was five miles to the school and while I had permission to be late anytime I needed to be I hated doing it. The looks and hateful comments weren’t worth it … I would rather not go to school at all than deal with it. But I had to do something with my life … if not for me then for her. My body was tired and every step that I took made my muscles cry in agony. After what seemed like an eternity I could finally see the school building in the distance and quickened my pace anxious to finally get inside. Once I walked in the front doors the attendance clerk knowingly patted my arm and after taking a look at my sweaty disheveled appearance, had someone escort me to the private faculty showers standing guard at the door while I entered. The tepid water sloshed down my body cooling me off and removing the muck and grime from my journey. I stayed in there as long as I possibly could trying to get out of entering my Math class in the middle of it. Unfortunately after 10 minutes the aide knocked on the door and asked if I was ok, my signal to get done … crap. I retrieved the change of clothes I had in my backpack and used the hand dryer to dry my shoes to the best of my ability so they were at least MOSTLY dry. After stopping back at the attendance office to get them to sign a hall pass I hesitantly made my way down the winding hallway toward my math class. Actually I didn’t hate math … in fact I was pretty good at it and despite missing at least a day a week of school I actually had an A- average. Once I entered, the teacher Ms. Winters smiled at me and after handing her my pass I sat down in my front row seat. She walked over with a small stack of worksheets and placed them on my desk as soon as I was settled.

“Here Sauli they are working on problems 1-20. If you have any questions just come up to my desk and I’ll give you a little mini lesson ok?”

“Thanks Ms. Winters.”

I put all my concentration on the worksheets but I could still hear their snide comments coming from the back of the room. Suddenly as brave as I had to be in this life I felt so small and helpless. They made me just want to curl up in a ball safe and alone. As soon as the bell rang I stuffed the worksheets in my bag and hurried out of the room a good fifteen paces ahead of everyone. Maybe for once I could actually get to my locker and to my next class before they caught up to me? I was just finishing switching my books when my locker closed with a jaw rattling clang. It was Marcus, one of the varsity soccer players. Here instead of the football team being on top it was the soccer team. Three state championships in a row and they sure let the ego go to their heads.

“I’m real sick of you getting this preferential treatment. Maybe I want to miss all this school. Maybe I want to show up whenever the fuck I want to and not have anything said.” His menacing sneer and dominating posture chilled me to the bone … I hated that he had this effect on me.

“Can I please just get to class it’s in the A wing … I’m going to be late.”

My voice was small lacking the authority necessary in this present situation. To say it was not going to end well would be an understatement.

“Oh so now you’re worried about being on time?!? You’re such a fucking joke why don’t you do us all a favor and kill yourself you freak.” The chorus of laughs stung as _kill yourself_ reverberated in my ears. How could he be so cruel?

My teeth clenched in my mouth biting at my lip to try to stay strong … to try not to let them see me break. They closed around me and Marcus grabbed my arm about to slam me into the lockers. Footsteps approached and with that everyone backed off. I didn’t see who it was and to be completely honest I didn’t really care enough to hesitate. Taking advantage of my free moment I took off toward my Bio class. The rest of the day passed without much incident I was even able to get to the lunch room before everyone so nobody saw the free lunch they gave me. My favorite lunch lady was on and she even slid me an extra chocolate chip cookie for later, she was a godsend. After school I grabbed everything I needed and hurried back toward the woods behind the school. My house, if you want to call it that, was only a mile from the school so I walked home instead of taking the bus. At least this way I would be alone … most of the time anyway. Lately I had heard footsteps following me but I was afraid to find out who it was. For all I knew it could’ve been Marcus or one of his crew. About ten minutes later I got to my house and walked inside opening the blinds to let some light in. I grabbed the can of Crisco I had fashioned into a makeshift candle and used a match to light it. The house was really small but it was ours, my Mom’s father leaving it to us in his will. There was a tiny living room where we had a couch and a small TV, a small kitchen, 1 bathroom & 2 bedrooms (which was really more like a bedroom and a ½). My room consisted of my bed and a small nightstand which mostly took up the whole room other than about 3 feet along the one side of the bed leading to my closet. Using the light from the candle I was able to finish my homework. As soon as I was done I blew it out and grabbed a jacket before leaving locking the door behind me. There was this really fancy restaurant in the town center that all the ‘cool’ kids RAVED about … Viva Napoli or something like that. Once a month they had a free dinner for anyone who was hungry and didn’t have the means to pay for food. Whether homeless or finding it hard to make ends meet, you were welcomed inside and given a nice warm meal. They even gave out ‘blessing’ bags with a warm blanket and toiletries or so I heard. This was going to be the first time I actually had the courage to show. It’s really embarrassing to need help but the weight I had begun to lose on top of my already thin physique was not healthy in the least bit. I had to do something and stop being afraid to ask for help. When I got there the line wrapped all the way around the block and I had a feeling that it was too late. Only the first 200 people were given food and sure enough I heard some kid further up the line telling people that the 200 people had been met.  They were still giving out blessing bags but I suddenly lost my courage sneaking a few paces away to a park bench. Everyone in line received a bag and then I heard footsteps approaching me. As I glanced up I immediately froze … standing there was Adam Lambert the captain of the soccer team.

“Hey Sauli.” His tone was warm and friendly which shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t even know that he knew my name.

“Oh … hi Adam.”

I only looked up a moment quickly returning my attention to the safety of my book that I had begun to read using a small book light. After a few moments I realized that he was still standing there staring at me. What was the reason for the attention? Did he see me in line … did he know?!? His voice pierced the cool air bringing me back to reality.

“You like to sit here and read too? This is my favorite spot … it’s always so peaceful.”

“Yeah” I nodded lightly closing the book so he had my attention “it’s one of my favorites too.”

We had never really spoke before and this was the closest I had intentionally been to him. I usually kept my distance from that whole crew not knowing who if any I could trust.

“You hungry? My parents own this place and I’m starved. Come on my treat.” He said with a smile. How did I not notice before how beautiful his smile was?

“No … no that’s ok.”

Fear filled my face and I looked downward shuffling a mound of dirt around with my foot. He didn’t leave though he still stood in front of me and when I looked up there was a look of concern on his face, not one of hatred or superiority. It was like he really wanted me to go with him.

“Are you sure? … It’s really good, promise.”

I hesitated a moment more before my stomach let out a wretched grumble and I finally gave in. He led me in the backdoor and gestured to a fancy booth style table which I immediately realized must be ‘the chef’s table’. The rich kids in school always bragged about getting the table for their birthday or to celebrate some huge milestone or whatever and here was me Sauli Koskinen sitting there. If they could only see me now. Adam stacked our plates with a little bit of everything before setting them on the table in front of us.  He sat across from me peering at me in between bites. He didn’t make me feel uncomfortable though he made me feel … safe.

“You want some more?” He gestured to my empty plate and as good as more sounded I figured I had better not.

“Oh no … no thank you. That was plenty.”

There was something about him that brought out the shyness in me. I could barely look him in the eyes there was something so piercingly beautiful about them. He realized I was trying to avoid eye contact and gently put his hand on my forearm.

“Sauli … I’m really sorry how they treat you. I told them to stop and they do if they see me. I just wish they wouldn’t do it regardless of if I’m there or not.”

So it was him who always got them to stop by approaching. Maybe it was him in the woods that I heard? But why was he following me? I shrugged my shoulders and continued looking downward anything to let me avoid looking him in those eyes.

“It’s ok … I’m used to it.”

Even though I wasn’t looking right at him I could see him shake his head. He let out a small sigh before bringing his cup of tea up to his lips.

“Just because you’re used to it doesn’t make it right. It’s not right Sauli.”

Was I hearing things? Did he actually just say that?!? I brought my attention back on him and gave him a small smile … it was the least I could do.

“Well thanks … I better get going I have to get home. Thank you for dinner.”

“You want me to give you a ride? My car is parked out in the lot and I don’t mind.”

He set the teacup on the table with a small clang and started to swing his leg out from under the booth before I could answer. 

“Oh no … no that’s ok. Thanks though … I guess I’ll see you?”

He nodded and I gave him one last glance before starting my 10 minute journey back home. I really did need to get home though as I had be up for 4am. Before drifting off I checked my cell phone and read the new text.

_No change pretty good day today. She was very tired so she was in bed by 7pm._


	2. To Infinity

My alarm roused me from bed and I took a super-fast shower. We still had water but I definitely had to conserve and use only the smallest amount. After getting changed I packed a change of clothes into my backpack and once I saw flashing headlights in front of the front window I knew it was time to leave. Sitting in the driveway was Tonya, my ride for the morning.

“Hi Sauli.” She said with a loud yawn. Her brunette hair was haphazardly swept back in a messy bun threating to come loose at any moment.

“She still sleeping?”

Slowly I pulled the belt fastening it tightly around me as she put the car into drive. We lurched forward her car making terrible noises as though it was dismantling itself piece by piece.

“Yes she’s had a very peaceful night tonight only woke up once to get some ice water. Any night like that is a good thing right now.”

“That’s good,” I let out a sigh of relief she hadn’t slept well especially lately. “She deserves to have a restful night for a change.”

“We have to up her dose today … she’s scared. There is a high risk of complications but it’s the only choice we got left.”

I let out a frustrated grunt not this crap again. Every time they switched her doses it threw her into another tailspin. “When does she go down?” I murmured quietly knowing she would need me.

“She’s scheduled for 6:30am.”

We pulled into the lit campus and into the HUGE building with its white chalky sterile walls the smell of antiseptic making you want to gag. I said goodbye to Tonya who was still on shift and made my way to the room. It was to the point that I had the number of steps memorized and could even walk there with my eyes closed if I had to. When I walked in she was sitting up in bed with still sleepy eyes. It was obvious that she had just woken up.

“Hey baby …” Her voice sounded so weak, I hated seeing her this way.

“Hi momma. How are you feeling?”

“ I’m ok … just tired right … now.” She was fighting sleep her eyes fluttering open and closed, breathing labored.

I walked over and kissed her cheek holding her hand as I sat down next to the bed. It really sucked having her here … having the cancer be so close to taking the one person who was always in my corner. Every morning around 4am I made my way here Tonya or one of the other nurses grabbing me on break so I wouldn’t have to walk in the dark. I was also pretty much the only person that could get my mom to at least eat a slice of toast. She had almost no appetite anymore.

“You are caught … up in school right?” It was so like her to be worried about me and my grades above anything.

“Yes … I make sure I get what I miss. I have A averages in all my classes. I’m going to go down with you for your infusion today ok?”

She huffed and shook her head. “Sauli no … that’s ok.” She was insistent when she wanted to be but I was even more so.

“I’m going down with you and that’s final. Why don’t you try to get some sleep until you go down?”

“But you came in … to see me.”

“I know and I want to see you get some more rest.” I fluffed her pillow and she gently rested her head back on it getting comfortable.

Gently I rubbed circles on the back of her hand. I had no idea what I would do if I lost her … she was all that I had, all I ever had. She ended up sleeping until it was time for her to go down for her infusion and sat while they pumped the toxic sludge into her body. I called attendance and let them know I would be in late and at about 10:30am she was done with her infusion.

“I better get going the bus leaves in 15 minutes, if I miss it I have to walk five miles.”

“You sound like … you know that from … experience?” She gave me a worried look and gently rubbed my forearm.

“Yeah … had to do it yesterday.”

“I’m sorry Sauli … you do too much for me” Tears spilled down her face and I gently kissed her forehead brushing back her hair with my fingertips.

“No momma it’s ok. You’re worth it … I’ll see you tomorrow ok?”

“I’m so proud of you, my son. I love you to the moon … and back.”

“To infinity?”

“To … infinity baby.”

She kissed my forehead and rubbed my cheek with her hand before the aide started to wheel her back up to her room. The bus ride was quiet which did nothing but start the dreadful thoughts of “ _what if_ ” circling in my head. This round of chemo was their last option. There was a clinical trial out in Boston they were trying to get her in but they weren’t sure if she would qualify with the lack of income. It would kill me being so far away from her but if it got her better it was a risk I was willing to take. The bus grinded to a halt a block from the school so I jumped off and made my way back into the building again. At least this time I didn’t need to take a shower that was at least a positive. After the same whole routine of getting my late pass I walked back into my math class and started copying the notes that were on the board quick before the bell rang. Of course we had learned a totally new concept and I was a bit confused just looking at the notes. The bell rang and I stayed in my seat planning on asking Ms. Winters for help when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Adam.

“Confused?” Was it really that obvious that I was completely and utterly lost?

“Yeah …” I whispered just loud enough for him to hear. I didn’t need to give anyone any more ammo against me. Adam adjusted his messenger bag on his shoulder and gave me a big smile. Damn is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

“If you want to meet at the library after school I’d be happy to help you out?” Were my ears hearing correctly? Adam Lambert as in THE Adam Lambert captain of the soccer team was offering to tutor ME?!?

“Oh … um sure I guess.” I answered calmly trying to mask the confusion in my voice. There is no way this is actually happening.

“Awesome I’ll wait outside after school for you and we can walk over together.”

With that him and his baby blues made their way toward the door. Markus was just standing there giving Adam a batshit crazy look. As they walked out of the room ahead of me I could’ve sworn I heard the phrase “ _have you lost your fucking mind?!?”_ uttered. Taking advantage of him being distracted, I finished grabbing my stuff from my locker. The school’s schedule had Day A days and Day B days … unfortunately today was Day B while meant I had gym last period. For whatever reason they put me, the most uncoordinated kid in the school, with what was pretty much the whole soccer team … YAY me. Once I arrived in the locker room I went into the out of the way corner my locker was at and quickly got changed making my way out to the gym before anyone decided to start anything with me. As soon as I got out in the gym I groaned. Sitting in the middle of the gymnasium floor were about 6 bright red dodgeballs … just freakin wonderful. It also didn’t help that our gym teacher was the coach for the soccer team Coach Thomas. He immediately chose Adam & Marcus as captains making sure they were on different sides to up the excitement … for him anyway. I already knew what was going to happen. They were going to choose whoever they wanted leaving me to be ‘forced’ onto the unwilling team who had the misfortune to pick 2nd. So you can imagine my surprise when I was the first person that Adam called onto his team. I thought I heard wrong but when everyone turned to stare at me I realized that he had chosen me and quickly shuffled over next to him. He turned toward me and smiled and I gave a half smile back before turning my attention to the floor my heart thumping a thousand times a minute. Could I just be invisible right now? Once all the kids were on teams they spread us out on the floor and as soon as Coach Thomas blew the whistle all bets were off. One good thing was I had pretty good reflexes I just couldn’t throw or catch very well. Adam caught on and was helping me by whizzing the balls back at full speed as soon as I dodged them. Before we knew it, it was Adam and me against Marcus … the only person left on the other side. Coach Thomas realized Adam was helping me so to be a dick forced us to stand on opposite sides of our area. The ball came hurling at my head and instinctively I reacted by raising my arms and somehow caught the ball getting Marcus out. Adam came running over and gave me high fives along with the rest of my team. For a moment I felt wanted … that was until Marcus threw one of the dodgeballs directly at my head. I didn’t remember much of it all I remember is radiating pain all over my head and blood pooled on the linoleum.


	3. Baby Steps

I was only knocked out for a minute but when I came to I immediately sat upright feeling sick from moving too fast. Adam was right next to me looking at me with a look of concern on his face. Coach Thomas rushed over moving the growing crowd of onlookers away so he could get close. He knelt down looking me in the eyes.

“Koskinen! Are you ok?” In all actuality he didn’t give a crap as to how I was. He was just protecting his own ass so he could say he ‘checked’ on me.

“I … I think so.” It felt as though the gymnasium was on some kind of messed up til-a-whirl. Everything was blurry and I felt like I could hurl at any moment.

“Lambert, why don’t you walk him down to the nurse? She can at least bandage his nose. Someone stand here while I call the janitor to clean up this mess.” He let out an annoyed huff and retreated to his office to make the phone call. Adam gently helped me up holding onto my arm. 

“Come on Sauli … easy does it.”

As I went to take a step I almost tripped and instinctively he grabbed my hand with his. Damn it was so soft … almost like silk. That surprised me seeing as how sporty he was. We walked into the locker room and I got my backpack out of my locker which Adam insisted on carrying for me, me still being a little unsteady on my feet. After a few minutes of my slow stumbled walking we got to the nurse. She looked at me concerned and immediately ushered us in the back making me lie on the bed.

“What happened?” I could tell she was genuinely worried. How the hell bad did I look?

“Dodge ball … I think I … I don’t know.” Everything was growing foggier by the minute and my head just kept pounding begging for me to close my eyes to shut out any little bit of light.

“Marcus lobbed a dodge ball at his face after our team won. Hit him and then he hit his head on the linoleum when he fell. He’s really dizzy and unsteady.” Thank god Adam saw what happened because I couldn’t even remember.

“Bleeding?”

“Yeah his nose was bleeding … it seems to have stopped now. There was a little pool of it on the linoleum.”

“Sauli does anything hurt?”

“My head … and I’m … dizzy.”

“Adam, did he pass out?”

“Yeah for about a minute.” I could see the worry in her eyes as she returned her glance to me and my paling complexion.

“I’m going to call an ambulance. Sauli … hun is there anyone I can call?”

“No … nobody.”

I was so sleepy all of a sudden and started drifting off. The nurse gently poked my arm.

“Sauli you stay awake with us ok. Adam please keep him awake I have to call 911.”

“You’re gonna be ok Sauli … I promise ok?” He rubbed my arm in an effort to keep me awake and alert. Why wouldn’t they just let me sleep?

A few minutes later the ambulance arrived and after some persuasive talking they allowed Adam to accompany me to the hospital. On the ride there he kept me calm by holding my hand. To tell you the truth I was so out of it with a pounding headache that I didn’t even really realize that he was doing it. The next few hours were a whirlwind of tests and they finally gave me some medicine and allowed me to sleep which I pretty much passed out. When I awoke I noticed that Adam was sitting in the lounge chair at the side of the bed sleeping with his head hanging. I reached into my pocket retrieving my phone to realize that it was already 9am. My mom was going to be worried I hadn’t been up there. I cautiously sat up and the rustling of the sheets woke Adam.

“Feeling better?” The worry in his eyes both confused the hell out of me and made me melt. It was super cute.

“Yeah just have a headache. Why are you here … you’re late for school!?!” He could sense the tinge of panic in my voice and chuckled.

“My mom called me off for today. I thought you could use some company it’s Friday anyway and it’s not like we had any tests scheduled for today.”

“Oh … well thanks.” I relaxed a bit settling down. It sure was nice to not be there alone.

Just then Tonya walked in a worried mess and came over hugging me.

“Oh sweetie I just heard about the concussion. I was wondering why you weren’t there this morning.” She moved the blankets away giving me a once over from head to toe checking to make sure I was ok.

“How is my mom … does she know?” I really hoped that hadn’t told her and when Tonya nodded I frowned a bit.

“She was worried over why you didn’t show this morning so I told her that you were ok but they just wanted to observe you overnight. If you’re not released by 10:30 I’ll wheel her in after her chemo to see you for a few minutes. I have to go I just wanted to come check on your quick.”

She left and I just sat there quiet until I felt Adam’s hand on my arm. Suddenly his arms wrapped around me and my tears came … it was the first time I allowed myself to cry in front of anyone in the past 6 months since she had been diagnosed. He just held me for what seemed like forever but was probably only 2-3 minutes. I then pulled away wiping my eyes.

“I’m sorry …” My cheeks flushed bright pink embarrassed over breaking down in front of him. There was just something about him that made me feel more at ease even though I still had some getting used to.      

“No don’t be silly … there’s nothing to be sorry about Sauli. How long has she been here?”

“Off and on for the last 6 months … stage 3 Glioblastoma. I come here every morning she’s here to get her to eat something and sometimes to go to her chemo infusion with her if she’s having a bad day. That’s why I’m late so often …”

He pulled me into his arms giving me another quick hug before letting go and looking me directly in my eyes. At least now I was able to look him in the eyes when talking to him. Baby steps Sauli … baby steps.

“I’m so sorry Sauli. Do you have anyone to talk to?”

“No … nobody.”

“You have me now … ok?” He looked at me with heartfelt eyes and before I knew what was happening he gently smoothed my hair backward kissing my forehead. “I’ve liked you from the moment I saw you. You were always so scared though … I could never get close enough to talk to you. Like REALLY talk to you. You can trust me Sauli … you don’t have to worry about any of them anymore. I got you and NOBODY will hurt you I promise. Does your mom know?” He gave me a little smirk and I raised a brow at him in confusion. What the hell was he talking about?!?

“Know what?”

“That you’re gay …” I would’ve never thought that a tough soccer player like Adam would be gay. Not only gay but be gay and attracted to ME. What in the actual hell is my luck right now?!?

“Yes … but how did you know I am? Do your parents know you are? What about the team?” He shook his head playfully his hair bouncing to and fro.

“My gaydar never lies. Yeah my parents know and so does the team. Team is not really cool with it though kinda just swept it under the rug. They don’t want to believe it I guess you could say. They act really skittish around me like I’m going to rape them or something. Have you ever dated?”

“Yeah I had a boyfriend back home named Tobey before we moved here about 8 months ago. We lived in Chicago but there was a doctor that specializes in Glioblastoma here. He couldn’t deal with the whole situation used to get so mad when I had to drop our plans to take care of her. So we didn’t really end on good terms. Have you been in one?” As I looked at him I could see his eyes change and realized how broken they suddenly looked. Immediately I regretted asking.

“Yeah kinda … we had to keep it hidden parents didn’t approve. Well more like parent didn’t approve but yeah. It never really got serious but I did like him he was a good person. I’m sorry that Tobey treated you the way he did. Both you AND your mom didn’t deserve that. You don’t need someone as self-centered as that in your life. You deserve much better than that”

Just then I heard squeaky wheels coming toward the door as they rolled my mom in. She gave me a concerned look at first but then smiled seeing Adam in the room.

“Hey momma.” She looked at me with worried eyes gently resting her hand on my arm. I hated making her upset.

“How are you … feeling? You’re ok right?”

“Much better and yes I’m ok. Adam this is my mom Emma … mom this is Adam he goes to school with me. He was with me when it happened and then stayed here so I wouldn’t be alone.” Her eyes moved from me to Adam a whisp of his ebony hair hung down low over his eyes. He gave her a warm smile and reached out shaking her hand.

“Hi Adam … nice to … meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. You got yourself a great son here.” My cheeks turned bright pink especially when my mom’s eyes trailed down to the bed where Adam had my hand clasped tightly in his.

“How are you feeling momma? You look tired …” She sleepily nodded her head barely able to even stay upright anymore.

“I am … I want to take … a nap.”

“Go on up to your room Momma it’s ok. I’m ok … I love you.”

“I love you …”

I reached for her hand and she gave me a gentle squeeze before blowing me a kiss and waving to Adam. Once she was gone Adam just smiled at me.

“She’s beautiful. You look so much like her.”

“Yeah I always did look like her even as a baby. She looks so worn down today. They put her on a new chemo and I’m so worried. It has a high risk of complications.”

His free hand reached up gently caressing my cheek reassuringly. Damn this felt so nice … so perfect. How could someone like Adam be so nice to me?

“She’ll pull thru … you just gotta send her light and love and hope for the best ok?”

I nodded and shivered as a breeze blew thru the room. Adam walked over and grabbed an extra blanket from the chair and walked over covering me with it.

“Aww … you’re gonna be cold now …”

“I’m ok … you need it more than I do.”

I moved over on the bed a bit and patted the bed next to me. He smiled and eagerly sat next to me pulling the blanket up to cover the both of us. The warmth of his body was too much to resist and after a moment I snuggled closer to him resting my head on his chest. Feeling completely safe for the first time since we moved here. He responded by protectively wrapping his arm around me and lightly rubbing my back in a comforting fashion. Our moment was interrupted by my nurse Keisha coming in to give me discharge papers. To say I wasn’t looking forward to returning to my frozen home would be an understatement. I frowned looking at them as I gathered my bags and such until Adam spoke up.

“My parents are away till Tuesday. Do you want to come stay at my house with me? This way you wouldn’t be alone.” My heart started to thump wildly against my chest and I PRAYED he couldn’t tell.

“Oh … sure I’d like that. How are we getting there though?”

He giggled lightly tapping my chin with his fingertips. “You worry too much … it’s adorable. I had my mom drop off my car in the lot here before they left yesterday. Do you want me to give you a ride home so you can get your stuff?”

“Yeah … that would be great.”


	4. Not Like ... Love

As much as I didn’t want him to see my house I definitely needed to grab some stuff. A few minutes later we pulled up at the house and I hesitated a moment embarrassed.

“You can come in if you want so you don’t have to stay out here.” As embarrassed as I was it would’ve been really rude to make him sit out in the car. Even if I WOULD only be a few minutes.

“Ok.”

I unlocked the door and we walked inside I grabbed the Crisco by the door lighting it as we walked deeper into the house toward my bedroom. Upon entering my room I rooted thru my dresser grabbing everything I needed and stuffing everything in my duffel bag. Adam just stood there quietly as a cool breeze blew in from my old rickety bedroom window.

“It’s so cold … how do you sleep?”

“It’s ok … I just pile on extra blankets. It’s not that bad … really.” I bit my lip trying to hold back the tears. I had so much hate about my living situation but I had no other choice. It was as if Adam could read me and he wrapped his arms around me. There was just something about him that put me at ease and make me feel like I could share anything with him. “To be honest it sucks I just don’t have a choice. All the extra money goes toward paying for my mom’s care. We have water but other than that nothing. They won’t let her come home without heat/air conditioning and electricity. Plus there’s mold in the basement so it’s not safe. They keep her in this in-patient hospital thing when she’s not getting her chemo. I hate seeing her there.”

“Don’t worry … I’ll help you.”

“No, no that’s …” His finger landed on my lips stopping the words from coming out. It took a moment for me to realize that I was holding my breath and let out a little sputtered exhale of air.

“Hush … it’s ok, really. Have you got everything?”

“Yes … let’s go.”

It took about 10 minutes but we finally got to the rich side of town and headed down a long private driveway. Sitting at the end on about 10 acres was this beautiful ranch house with manicured lawn and bushes flowers places meticulously around it. It looked like something out of a magazine.

“It’s beautiful …”

Adam looked at me and saw where my attention was placed and smiled.

“That’s the guest house … that’s where I want you to stay. I’ll have to check with my parents but I know they won’t mind. My house is over there.”

He pointed over to the right and my mouth dropped sitting there was this HUGE house that made mine look like an outhouse in comparison. Hell it even made the guest house look like one. Adam parked the car and walked over to the passenger side door opening it. I just sat there my mouth still agape.

“Wow …”

“We have it all to ourselves all weekend, whatever you want to do. We have an indoor/outdoor pool, tennis court, basketball court, bowling alley & movie theatre.”

He looked back at me and saw the look of sadness on my face … I didn’t feel like I belonged here. Looking down at my worn out clothes I felt like I wasn’t worthy of stepping inside a place like this. He could tell and grabbed my hand bringing it to my heart.

“You feel that? That is what matters to me … not money, not status. Come on let’s get inside.”

He grabbed my hand eagerly urging me toward the white marble accented door. He punched in an access code and scanned his finger then once it flashed green used his key to enter. He led me inside giving me a tour of the downstairs … the formal sitting room, the living room, the kitchen, the game room, the movie theatre. Then he led me upstairs to his room. It was HUGE and decked out in modern theme with blacks and creams. A king sized bed was the center focus with black damask comforter and the softest pillowcases I’d EVER felt. From all the walking I was getting a bit sleepy my headache finally knocking the energy from me.

“Adam, can you lead me to the room I’m staying in. I’m feeling a bit woozy … the meds.” The room started spinning and Adam gently sat me backward on the bed. He was such a sweet guy.

“Sleep in here for now. It’s much more comfortable than the guest bed trust me.”

I nodded and curled up on top of the covers. It only took a moment for the warming comfort of a blanket to envelop around me courtesy of Adam. He stood there a moment running his fingers thru my hair and that was enough to finally knock me out. When I woke up I smelled something amazing coming from downstairs so I used my nose to follow it. When I walked into the kitchen I found Adam at the stove cooking. He heard me enter and looked back over his shoulder.

“You like Tilapia?” He questioned over his shoulder while adding some kind of lemon butter sauce to the top of the fillets.

“Never had it but I eat everything.”

“Forgot to ask what you liked before you fell asleep. Simone asked for the weekend off, he’s our chef, and I gave it to him before I realized you would be here. He’s AMAZING you haven’t lived till you’ve eaten his food.”

“It’s ok … I’m not picky, promise.” I leaned against the kitchen island my hand flush against its smooth marbled surface.

“Mac & cheese or garlic mashed potatoes?”

“What do you like more?” With my answer he threw his hands up playfully in an _‘I give up’_ fashion.

“Sauli stop I want to you know YOU want.” He laughed and it nearly made my heart burst into a thousand pieces god he was perfect.

“Mac & cheese.”

“Good choice!”

“Want some help?”

“Sure you can get the elbow noodles ready.”

He handed me an empty pot and I added the water, noodles & a ton of salt stirring occasionally. Adam finished up with the tilapia and walked up behind me wrapping his arms around me as I stirred. My shirt was hiked up a bit and one of his fingers brushed my skin making my breath hitch in my throat.

“Sorry …” His face blushed bright pink and he quickly moved his hand away embarrassed.

“No … it’s ok.”

Instead of wrapping his arms back around me he started tinkering around with getting us dishes, silverware and the like from the opposite side of the kitchen. I silently cursed myself for being stupid but not loud enough that he could hear. Once the noodles were done Adam got the cheese and took over preparing it. Surprising myself I decided to be ballsy and walked up behind him rubbing his back my fingers working the tense muscles of his shoulder blades. Soon his breath hitched and he broke our contact placing the dish of macaroni in the oven with the tilapia. Our eyes locked when he turned back around and suddenly acting shy he broke the glance going over to the sink to rinse a glass. Instead of pushing the issue I just walked over toward the kitchen island and sat on one of the barstools. He stood at the sink for what seemed like forever even after he was done then walked over sitting down next to me.

“We should be ready to eat in about an hour.”

“Ok … no rush.”

He just sat there acting like a young schoolboy with his first crush it was delightfully adorable. Looking down I could see that he had an erection and it was immediately apparent why he was acting the way he was. He didn’t notice my glance and I decided to play it cool.

“Need help with anything else Adam?” I asked coyly trying to see if he would take the hint

“No … no we’re good now …” I couldn’t help but notice him averting his eyes from me his fists balled tightly trying to ignore the twitching in his jeans.

“Well you just let me know I’ll help with ANYTHING. Ok?”

“Yeah ok … thanks.”

“I’m gonna run upstairs for a few minutes I have to look in my duffel for something.”

Truth be told I didn’t need to do anything I was just curious as to what he would do. I walked upstairs and then used the back stairwell to quietly sneak back down. I found Adam in the downstairs bathroom the door ajar begging for release. God it was so fucking sexy hearing those noises coming from his mouth. So primal and full of intense want … need. Soon I could hear the satisfied groans of his release and snuck back upstairs so that I could come back down without him realizing I was spying. I made a point of making noise coming down and when I saw Adam he had bright red flushed cheeks.

“You ok?” I cocked my head to the side quizzically a slight smirk on my face.   

“Wha … oh yeah I’m fine. I just …”

He looked down and saw my erection begging to get released from the confines of my jeans. I let out a little moan of discomfort as I turned to head upstairs. I made it halfway before he had me pushed against the stairwell on top of me his tongue assaulting my mouth hands fumbling with my belt. His warm wet mouth engulfed the head of my cock nearly throwing me over the edge before he even did anything. Circling the tip with his tongue I let out a slow agonizing moan grabbing at his hair urging him to continue his fierce assault. He took me in deep and after a few strokes I cried out and came in a hot jet down his throat him lovingly licking up every last bit. I just stayed there on the steps heaving for breath as he brought his mouth back to mine me tasting my jizz still on his lips. He pulled away lovingly rubbing my cheek.

“Ok?” He was genuinely worried and it was just the most perfect thing ever.

“Amazing … fucking, amazing.”

My heart raced beating fiercely in my chest my breath hitching and causing waves of breathlessness. I just stayed there Adam protectively hovering over me caressing my skin trying to get my breathing back to normal. After a few minutes I stood up and melted into his arms lightly kissing at his neck as he arched it backward.

“God you’re amazing Adam …”

“What … you like?” He smirked at me before lightly kissing my neck in reciprocation.      

“Not like … love.”


	5. Beautiful To Me

After dinner we found ourselves curled up together in their small movie theater paying more attention to making out than actually watching the movie. I reached my fingertips under the hem of his shirt trying to slowly slide it upwards but he stopped my movement breaking away from me.

“What …?” I immediately moved my hands away looking at him worried. Did I do something wrong?

“I don’t like being without my shirt on … I just don’t feel comfortable.”

“Ok … I’m sorry.” I slunk back down into the couch cushion next to him still keeping a worried eye on him.

“No … no nothing for you to be sorry about. I’m getting tired I’m going to head up to my room. I’ll leave the movie on so you can finish watching it will stop by itself just make sure you close the door.”

“Ok Adam … well goodnight.

I waited to give him a little peck or something but he just hesitated and walked out of the room. He looked so sad and it broke my heart. About an hour later the movie ended and I did what I was told shutting the door behind me and quietly making my way upstairs. I walked into Adam’s room to grab my duffle and take it into the guest room next door when I heard his quiet sobs. Concerned I walked over gently pulling the covers back a bit. He looked up at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. Immediately I just put my arms around him and surprisingly he sat up and just held me and cried. He laid down snuggling me down with him and just held me close as his sobs eventually drifted him off to sleep. As soon as he was out it didn’t take me long to drift off his arm wrapped tightly around me. When I woke up in the morning Adam had me snuggled up on his chest. I sleepily blinked and he smiled caressing my cheek.

“Thank you for being here.” His voice was quiet and reserved a complete change from the confident jovial Adam from yesterday.

“Anytime. Adam, do you want to talk to me about what’s bothering you? I’m not one to judge, I never would.”

“I know … I just …”

“If you’re not ready to talk it’s ok … I don’t want to force you.”

He hesitated biting his lip before he spoke. “My parents are barely ever home. If they are home 10 days out of the month I’m lucky. It’s not so bad at times because I have unlimited access to money and can do what I want. It’s definitely lonely though. About 2 years ago I decided to take the train up to San Francisco for pride. Not knowing the area I ended up in a bad part of town and encountered a not so nice person. He attacked me with a knife and as I lay bleeding on the ground threw battery acid on me. I was alone … I’ve never been more scared in my life.”

I let out a gasp completely heartbroken for him. “Adam … what did you do?!?”

“A nice drag queen happened upon me and got me to the hospital. I was stuck there for a month alone …”

“Your parents didn’t come to see you?!?”

“No … I mean my mom called every day to check up on me but neither of them were in.”

“That’s terrible … I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that. You didn’t deserve it …”

A few tears fell down his face as he let out a loud sniffle. “Nobody else knows … I don’t shower with the other guys or if I do I wear a tank top. Same with swimming in gym.”

“Can I see?”

“Sauli I …”

“If you’re not ready it’s ok. But you’re beautiful to me and some scars would never change how I feel ... never.”

He slowly removed his shirt and I could see the pink splatters. Immediately I leaned down placing kisses on all of them. Showing him and they didn’t matter to me … not in the least.

“How can you kiss them … they’re ugly.” He wriggled a bit beneath me with an embarrassed look on his face.

“They’re part of you and you’re beautiful. I’ve never been shirtless around anyone either you know … feel like I’m too scrawny.”

“You’re beautiful to me Sauli …” He smiled thru the tears and slowly removed my shirt snuggling me down on him skin-on-skin … a first for both of us.

“This feels nice. Adam I … I think I love you.” My chin was flush against his chest my eyes staring into his. He smiled and rubbed circles on my cheek with his thumb.

“I love you too Sauli. You have such a beautiful spirit I wish you would let more people see you. Then they would know the amazing guy I’ve gotten to know these last 2 days.”

“I can’t …” Panic filled my face and he immediately rubbed my arm trying to calm me back down.

“Nothing to be afraid of … I’ll protect you I promise.”

I tilted my head upward to look in his eyes and gave him a huge schmoopy smile.

“Nothing for you to be ashamed of either. My beautiful perfect Adam … want me to give you another massage. It’ll be even better on bare skin. Might get to hear you jack off again. Or maybe this time even see …”

I smirked at him and he playfully gasped smacking my ass.

“You sneak … you dirty rotten sneak!” He whined pursing his lips into an exaggerated pout. God it was the most adorable thing ever.

“Hey what can I say it was fucking sexy as hell.”

I reached up kissing his pouty lips lightly biting on the bottom and running my tongue along it before pulling away. I straddled his waist massaging every last muscle of his chest, up into his shoulder, down his side and to the waistband of his sweatpants. I curled my fingertips under the top feeling the top of his underwear.

“Ok?” I looked up at him questioningly not wanting to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with.

“Yeah … ok.”

Slowly I slid off his sweats and my attention was immediately on the lump in his briefs … holy hell was he hung. My hands worked the muscles in each leg delivering teasing brushes to his inner thighs which made him let out muffled moans every time. I finished and slid up his body him groaning at the friction on his cock. I reached his mouth eagerly entwining our tongues together lightly grinding against his swollen cock. Between the friction and the moans he was verbalizing echoing into my mouth I was definitely aroused. He pulled away and I smirked at him devilishly.

“Damn … you’re a fucking tease …” He moaned in between panting breaths.

“Shh …”

I put my finger up to his mouth and slowly kissing and nipping at his flesh. I made it down to the waistband of his underwear but ignored it smirking at him as I mouthed at his cock thru his underwear.

“Shit … Christ Sowleeee.” My hands slid down his underwear and his cock sprang up to greet me glistening with precum. But instead of taking it in my mouth I looked up at him.

“Do you trust me?”

“Whaa…” He looked at me dazed a haze of hormones and the undeniable urge to get off however he possibly could. It took a moment but then he fiercely nodded.

“Good … turn over.”

He froze a little looking at me with eyes as big as saucers his voice wavering as he spoke. “Sauli I …. I’ve never …. had sex.”

“No … no sex, I haven’t either … just trust me ok?”

“Ok …”

He hesitantly turned over his bare ass right in from of me … round and absolutely perfect. I brought my hands to his cheeks massaging them as he let out a sigh of contentment. I ran my index finger over his hole and he let out a loud gasp.

“Is it ok?” My finger teasingly swiping his hole as he sucked in a deep moan.

“Yess … fuck yess.”

I slicked my finger with saliva and slowly inserted it into his puckered hole. He groaned in pain and pleasure as I pumped it steadily.

“Mmmm so tight … more?”

“Yes baby … don’t stop” His breathing was more ragged and I loved knowing I was the cause of the moans escaping from his mouth. I tried to slip in my middle finger as well as he grimaced in pain.

“You ok?

“Yeah … I’ll be ok … just not used to … shiitttt oh god just like that!”

My middle finger sunk in and I fiercely turned them like he was some stubborn lock I had to open. I could tell I had him in the palm of my hand. I pulled out my fingers resulting in a low groan from his mouth until I replaced them with my tongue circling his hole and inserting inside it only took a minute before he came hard and heavy all over the sheets. I gently turned him on his back as his chest heaved his cheeks flushed bright red. He pulled me down on him to snuggle me and felt my rock hard cock pressed against him.

“Mmm is it your turn now?” He mused licking his lips as I giggled lightly rubbing his cheek with my thumb.

“It doesn’t have to be you can just relax,” I lightly kissed his lip nipping on it “and besides, I don’t give to receive.” I winked at him and he gently flipped me on my back straddling my waist like I had done to him.

“What do you want or like … tell me.”

“I can really go for a good full body massage like I did for you. Are you good at them?” Just the thought of those hands working my flesh was enough to make me shudder.

“I’ve been told I am by a couple of my girl friends. Not like girlfriends as in dating but girls that are friends.”

“I got ya.”

He proceeded to give me probably THE best massage I’d ever gotten it was magical. Then he proceeded to rim me and holy cow it was AMAZING. Once he was finished I leaned up and kissed from his neck up to his lips.

“Thanks for that Adam … that was amazing.”

“And thank you …”

He yawned stretching out a bit to get more comfortable and I followed suit. We had definitely tired each other out so we ended up curling up in a naked sweaty heap and taking a late morning nap.


	6. You're Perfect

When I woke up Adam was still half asleep so I kissed his chest watching his face light up.

“Mmm good afternoon …”

“You hungry? I’ll go make you brunch in bed. It’s the least I could do for your hospitality.”  

“That would be amazing but you don’t have to I can …” I quickly kissed him interrupting his train of thought. The cute little smile he gave me made my face light up … he was so damn precious.

“I may not have to but I really want to.”

“You’re perfect you know that don’t you?”

“Nah I’m not perfect Adam … not by a long shot.”

He grabbed the back of my head gently pulling it down to his lightly tapping our noses together staring right in my eyes.

“You … are, and I don’t want to hear otherwise got it?” He scolded in a mock-serious tone before giving me a smirk.

“Ok … fine whatever you say mister.”

I got up quickly grabbing my clothes that were tossed on the floor by the bed putting them back on. Making my way downstairs I made eggs, bacon, home fries, and pancakes. The aroma must’ve reached upstairs because Adam made his way downstairs shirtless wearing his sweats.

“Hey how am I supposed to feed you brunch in bed if you’re not in bed? Scoot your butt back upstairs.” I gently patted his butt moving him back toward the staircase as he giggled.  

“I want to help.”

“Nooo Adam go!” I pointed upstairs in a reprimanding tone and he laughed at me scooping me up and putting me over his shoulder.

“HEY! Put me down!!”

“Not a freakin chance.”

I reached my hand down the back of his sweats cupping at his ass cheek then sliding a finger along his puckered asshole. He gasped and nearly made the both of us fall.

“Put me down and I’ll come up there and feed you … who knows where that may lead?” I replied seductively. 

“Mmmm, now that’s VERY tempting.”

He smirked and let me down before sliding down his sweats letting me watch his ass as he walked upstairs. Damn his ass was perfect … he stopped at the top glancing at me over his shoulder before disappearing out of sight. About 30 minutes later I made my way upstairs carrying the tray FULL of all the food. Adam was curled up the bed sheets draped over his body. When I entered he gave me a warm beautiful smile. I placed the tray down on the bed and curled up next to him. I loaded up a fork with some potatoes and dangled them at his mouth.

“Open love …”

He giggled and gladly let me feed him his half of the breakfast only to have him then feed me. We were stuffed so I just lazily draped myself on his chest. Suddenly there was a loud buzzing and Adam curiously reached over to the alarm unit on the wall. He punched a button and the video display lit up showing Marcus & a couple of the other soccer team members. I immediately froze and he rubbed my arm.

“It’s ok they can’t see in we can only see out. They can’t hear until I hit the intercom button.”

He reached over and hit the intercom button and it buzzed outside.

“Hey let us in.” Marcus demanded his voice loud and booming. It instantaneously chilled me to the bone.

“Sorry I have a friend over.”

“So what let us in anyway.”

“No that’s ok … just leave.”

“Wait is freakboy there? Oh my god this is classic.” They all collapsed into a fit of mocking laughter and I could see Adam clench his fists in anger.

“Fuck you Marcus.”

“Oh no thanks I’m not a faggot.”

“Look either you fucking stop or I’m quitting the team.”

“You wouldn’t …” They immediately stopped their childish antics and Marcus had a bit of a worried look on his face.

“Oh don’t try me. Remember 7th grade I can make that happen ALL over again.”

“Fine … ok.”

They marched off and Adam smiled snuggling me against him.

“You ok Sauli? You’re so tense …”

“Yeah I’m ok … thanks for that.”

“Anytime sweetheart. I got you don’t worry.” He gave me a gentle squeeze kissing my forehead in reassurance.

“Do you have a bus stop nearby?”

“What do you need a bus stop for?” He turned in such a way that he could look me in the eyes. He looked so confused.

“I want to go visit my mom for a bit before the day is over.”

“Don’t be silly … I’ll take you.”

“I don’t want you to be there all awkwardly with me. It has to be uncomfortable for you.”

“Not awkward Sauli … I love spending time with you. Your mom seems so nice.”

“Well then I’m gonna go take a shower … do you want to join me?” I looked at him eyes full of bashful excitement.

“Do you even have to ask?

We had an awesome shower together and then got dressed heading over to the hospital around 5pm. When we walked into the room my mom was actually sitting up in the recliner watching TV. She smiled upon seeing us enter which made me smile. She looked so much better but I knew that it was just from the lack of chemo for the day. I walked over and kissed her forehead.

“Hi momma.” She immediately brought her hand to my face rubbing my cheek.

“Hi Sauli … hi Adam? Right?” She was always so good at remembering names, a talent I truly envied.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Please call me Emma. We don’t need to keep things formal … here.”

I sat on the bed right next to my mom and Adam sat next to me grabbing my hand that was resting on the bed. My mom noticed and smiled.

“You two are cute …”

“Mommm …” My face blushed bright red and I buried my head against Adam’s arm. He let out his cute little giggle wrapping his arm around me to pull me in closer.

“No really you are. Thank you Adam for being there for him … when I can’t.”

Adam smiled and his phone buzzed with a text. He read it and smiled showing it to me. It was from his mom saying that they would be thrilled to have us move in the guest house. My mom looked at us curiously and I spoke up.

“Momma … Adam’s family is letting us move into their guest house. You can come ‘home’ after you’re done with your chemo isn’t that amazing news?!?”

“I don’t know what to say … thank you … SO much” She reached out her hand grabbing Adam’s as he smiled. I snuggled into his chest a bit more and his arm wrapped around me protectively.

“When is this round of chemo over?”

“I have to be in for …30 days total once you start the higher dose. So still 28 more days …”

“Then we can finally be together momma. How amazing is that going to be!?!”

“It will be … wonderful. Sauli how are you getting home? I thought the bus … only ran here till 6pm on a Saturday?”

“It does … Adam drove us over here.”

“That was very sweet of you Adam. Thank you …”

“Of course it was the least I could do.”

We spend the next 2 hours there chatting, with my mom falling in love with Adam like I had. She could see exactly what I saw in him … his beautiful spirit. The funny jokester side of him always making me giggle … it had been so long since she had seen me laugh. Before long we decided to head back to Adam’s as she was getting tired and she got hugs from the both of us at her instance. Kissing both of our cheeks before we walked away. We walked out of the room smiley and walking super close. We got out to the main foyer and I could see Adam’s demeanor change a bit as a middle aged man walked toward us. The man looked at Adam and gave him a smile.

“Hi Mr. Swartsword.”

“It’s good to see you Adam. How’s you dad?” He reached over gently patting Adam on the arm in such a way that a man would pat an obedient dog.

“You know how he is … keeping busy. They’re opening restaurants in Maui and NYC so they’ve been bouncing back and forth between there the last month.”

“Good for them they’ve always been perfectionists. Is this one of your soccer teammates?”

“Oh no, we’re in the same math class. Just gave him a ride here to visit his mom.” He stiffened up a bit and I just wanted to comfort him.

“How’s the team going to be this year? You lost some of your starters last year.”

“It’s really early yet but we’re looking good so far. Have some young talent that’s going to surprise some people.” He responded shifting his weight over to his other foot.

“Well we got our season tickets so we’ll be seeing you take care alright. Enjoy that math class.”

“We will bye. I’ll tell my dad I ran into you.”

The man walked away and Adam picked up his pace getting us out of the building and away from him. Once we were back in his car he relaxed a bit taking a couple deep breaths his hands trembling on the steering wheel.

“You ok?” I reached over resting my hand on one of his and he relaxed it.

“Yeah … I’m ok. Old friend of my dad’s.”

He didn’t say anything else and I didn’t want to push him for any more info. After all he had opened up to me quite a bit the last 24 hours. We grabbed some Chinese food to go from the local supermarket and went home scarfing the food down like there was no tomorrow. God it felt amazing to eat. Once we finished we went to actually watch a movie this time. I snuggled into his chest leaning back and actually managed to stay awake to watch the whole thing. He wasn’t really talking and I looked up to notice that he fell asleep. I knew this couch wouldn’t be the best thing to spend the whole night on so I gently kissed at his neck to wake him. It took a few minutes but he sleepily opened his eyes yawning.

“Come on you’re gonna hurt your back sleeping here.”

“You’re coming up with me … right?” His eyes pieced my heart begging me to follow him. How could I ever say no to that face?

“Of course …”

We walked upstairs and as he laid down I saw the weak vulnerable side of him. It was like he was stripping his soul bare for me to see and it was a beautiful thing but at the same time completely heartbreaking. I joined him and gently patted his face.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I am if you’re here.”

“I’m not going anywhere ok? I need you just as much as you need me … if not more so.”

“Fat chance …”


	7. The Truth

We both fell asleep snuggled up keeping each other safe and warm. In the morning we awoke to noise coming from downstairs. Adam’s head immediately shot up listening intently. A man and woman’s voices were evident.

“Adam are you home?” His mom’s voice echoed up the empty hallways her footsteps loud tapping on the stairs.

Immediately Adam panicked shoving me down under the covers my face pretty much level with his cock. He nudged me to flatten me down as much as I could and I was confused but did as I was instructed. His bedroom door opened and his mom and dad stood there.

“Oh you’re still in bed … big shocker.” A booming male’s voice sneered in a disgusted tone. I immediately realized that this must be his father.

“What are you doing home so early?”

“We have to make a trip to the lawyer tomorrow before heading back out. Did your friend move into the guest house yet?” His mom’s voice was the complete opposite of his dads, soothing and kind.

“No mom … not yet. I was going to head over to his house today and help him get the stuff he wants to bring.”

“Is he gay?”

“No  … he’s not gay.”

“Good I don’t want no other fucking faggots here. Bad enough I have to deal with you.” I immediately cringed realizing what Adam was going thru. How could he keep such a positive exterior when inside there had to be so much pain.

“Eber!” His mom sounded disgusted but I could tell this was not the first time he had said such things to him.

“Well it’s the truth … makes me sick even thinking about him sucking a dick. I didn’t raise him to be no pussy.” He pounded his fist on the dresser top making this terrible thudding crackle noise.

“Can you get out of my room now?!? It’s not like you wanna be here anyway …”

“Trust me I don’t.”

“Good then leave ….” His voice wasn’t strong and powerful like I’d grown accustomed to. Instead it was weakened having been broken down by this man one too many times. The sentence threw him into a rage and he stomped over to the bed grabbing Adam by a chuck of his hair.

“THIS IS MY HOUSE FAGGOT!! BUT IT WON’T BE YOURS FOR MUCH LONGER. THE MORNING OF YOUR 18TH BIRTHDAY YOU’RE OUT YOU HEAR ME!!?!!”

I could hear Eber storm out of the room and then footsteps walked over toward the bed. Choked sobs erupted from Adam and I so wanted to pop out and comfort him but I couldn’t with his mom still there.

“Adam … I’m so sorry he treats you this way. You know I love you.”

“I know that … but I can’t take it ok? I just can’t … it’s bad enough he did what he did …”

She sat down on the bed before Adam could think quick enough to block her from doing it and she could feel my body there. She quickly got up locking the bedroom door before returning and pulling the covers down.

“Adam are you crazy?!? If he sees …”

“I didn’t know you were coming home yet … I don’t like being alone mom.” He looked at her with eyes full of tears and a defeated look on his face.

“You’re Sauli … aren’t you?”

“Yes … ma’am.” I didn’t know whether or not to look her in the eyes so I did for a second before focusing my attention on Adam. In true Adam fashion he gently pulled me against him trying to ease my nerves more worried about me than himself.

“You didn’t have sex did you?” She paused a moment until she saw the both of us rapidly shaking our heads no before she continued. “Just stay safe ok? And don’t do this when he can come home. I don’t want him going after Sauli too ok? We’re leaving soon to go to the country club for the day that will give you time to get Sauli over to the guest house.”

“Ok mom …”

“Get up and lock the door behind me and keep quiet.”

His mom left the room and I got up so Adam didn’t have to locking the door right behind her. When I returned to the bed Adam was sobbing. I immediately held him realizing that it was his dad who had attacked him … not a stranger. It killed me knowing that he kept this hurt inside. I kissed his lips and then pulled away.

“I love you ok?” I murmured staring directly into his eyes. Pools of vivid gray blue something so beautiful to behold.

“And I love you … that’s why we have to keep this secret and that kills me.”

“It’s fine …”

“No … no it’s not fine. These last two days were … perfect. I want it to be like that always … not having to be afraid to cuddle and watch a movie. Curl up this bed together and make out.”

His lips brushed mine and I lightly trailed kisses to his collar bone nipping at his flesh. I looked up at him with a sad smile. He tried to smile back but I could see the darkness and pain in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry Adam … you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

“Just lay here … and kiss me.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere …”

I let my lips travel his body letting little nips here and there. He let out a breathy sigh and then I slid back up his body mashing our lips together our tongues fighting for dominance. It was super hard to keep quiet but he needed this … WE needed this. He flipped me onto my back and straddled my waist massaging my chest and arms. I looked into his eyes and they locked on mine. I went to tackle him backward but he stopped me pinning my arms to the bed.

“No way in hell …. Koskinen. You stay put.” He hissed at me his hands grasped tightly at my wrists pressing them into the mattress.

He had his shirt off and when he leaned down I flicked a nipple with my tongue blowing cool air on it after. He let out a squeak and while he was distracted I flipped him on his back. Heading down I lightly took a nipple in my teeth flicking it with my tongue over and over. I could see his eyes roll back and he grabbed a pillow holding in over his head. I had him in the palm of my hand. I alternated nipples leaving kisses and nibbles on the flesh surrounding. If I thought his cock was hard the other night that was nothing compared what I was feeling beneath me. Holy fucking shit. I stopped and lifted the pillow off his face. He was panting and I could tell he desperately needed more but we couldn’t … not with his parents at home.

“I’m sorry …”

“No … don’t be …” His breathing was ragged and coming out in little puffs and sputters.

“If I blow you do you think you could keep quiet?”

He shook his head no and his phone vibrated interrupting our thoughts. He looked at me and got up quickly getting dressed.

“Come on … my parents are gone I need to get you … back to your house.”

He got up taking a firm hold on my arm and yanking me toward the door. “But …”

“We’ll take … care of it there … let’s go.”


	8. You Don't Deserve This

I grabbed all my stuff and we rushed over to my house Adam not talking the whole way. I could tell he was trying to control his breathing. Once we got to my house he immediately pushed me up against the wall ripping off clothes as we made our way to the bedroom.

“Do you think … you’re ready?” He hovered above me on the bed not wanting to do anything that I wasn’t ready for.

“You are?”

“Yeah … but I don’t want to … force you.”

I nodded and he took some deep breaths kissing me passionately instead of frantically. He was so gentle and so loving, he made everything feel right … perfect even. Once we were done I gently pushed him onto his back and nuzzled against his chest.

“Thank you …”

“No Sauli … thank you.” He lightly dragged his fingers up and down my spine my naked body snuggled up on his.

“How do you do it? You know … with your dad. How do you cope?” My words broke the silence and I maneuvered myself so that I was leaning upward looking into his eyes. He took a deep breath and rested his hand on the small of my back.

“It’s really hard … I want him gone. I can’t wait until graduation I’m so out the day after I can’t wait a moment more than that.”

“How are we going to do this Adam? I mean do you want us to be together … or was this just …” I hung my head and he quickly reached over lifting my face back up to meet his glance.

“No NEVER … I wouldn’t do that to you. Yes … I mean if you do I really want to.”

“I do … I really do.”

“When they’re away we can be us … just have to stay apart in public as much as possible. Especially at school …”

“Can’t you call the cops?”

Adam’s eyes grew wide with fear. “No … he’s best friends with the police chief. He’d be out within 2 hours.”

“You don’t deserve this Adam … it’s not fair …”

Tears splashed down his face and it killed me. How could someone treat another human being this way? It just wasn’t right. How strong he had to be to keep all this hidden … I never would’ve known.

“Does he still hurt you?”

“Yeah …”

“Recently?”

He nodded once more and brought my hand around to the back of his head. Right above the hairline I could feel a recent scar that I could tell had been stapled closed. A pretty large one at that. He avoided looking me in the eyes as he spoke.

“He broke a glass bottle over my head when he saw me browsing a LGBT support website. That was the night I tried to kill myself …”

“Oh Adam … please don’t ….”

He looked me in the eyes with moist broken ones but I could see just how much he truly cared for me. He took my face in his hand gently rubbing circles on my cheek with his thumb.

“I couldn’t imagine leaving now. No matter how much he hurts me I couldn’t leave you. I wouldn’t leave you … Come on I better get you over to the guest house. All I need is for them to beat us there and start asking questions. Let me help you get your stuff.” How could he make me feel so perfect when he himself was so broken inside?

It only took about an hour before we had transferred everything to boxes and we started the journey back to Adam’s. We had only been there about 10 minutes when Adam’s parent’s car rolled up the driveway past us loading the final box into the guest house. A moment later both Adam’s mom and dad walked over. Adam’s breath hitched in his throat in nervousness as they approached and I tried my best to give them a smile.

“You must be Sauli.” His dad gave me a stern stare and as much as I was internally freaked out I tried to keep my cool on the outside.  

“Yes sir … thank you for letting me stay here.”

“That’s up to my wife … it’s her property.”

“Well thank you then Mrs. Lambert … this is amazing.” She responded by giving me a hug lightly patting my back before pulling away.

“Please … call me Leila. You’re so welcome and it’s so nice to meet you.” She was trying so hard to calm me down knowing how freaked out the two of us had to be. Eber, Adam’s dad, stood there giving me a sinister smile that sent the hair on my arms on end.

“Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight so I can get to know more about you? I’m always so interested in learning about the people my son brings to our house.” He muttered with an accusatory tone.

“I gave Simone the weekend off … I didn’t know you were going to be home tonight …”

“That’s ok Roberto is coming over tonight. He’s our executive chef at Viva Napoli, Sauli. You like Italian right?”

“I’ll eat anything Leila … I’m not picky.” When you don’t eat most days you take what you can get so I had learned to appreciate all kinds of foods. But truth be told Italian was my ultimate favorite.

“Well then it’s settled … Adam you stay here and help Sauli unpack. Dinner is at 6pm ok? Your dad and I will be in the living room if you need us.”

We both nodded and just like that they retreated back to the main house. Adam walked back inside the guest house and I followed in behind him. The fear and discomfort on his face killed me.

“You ok?”

“He’s trying to catch you … he’s suspicious of us I think …”

“I won’t let anything slip … I promise.” I went to grab his hand to hold it for a moment but he quickly avoided my clasp. Realizing what he did, he gently took my hand rubbing it.

“I’m sorry … I’m just so scared Sauli …”

“I know … but it’ll be ok Adam.”

He didn’t say anything and just started helping me unpack everything. There wasn’t much so it only took about 2 hours to figure out where I was putting everything. I sat down on the couch amazed that this was actually going to be MY house … I was actually going to live HERE.

“I’m going to head over to the house.”

“Oh … ok.” Suddenly I didn’t like the idea of being alone. It felt suffocating and more importantly terrifying …

“You can come with if you want … it’s 5pm anyway.”

“I don’t have to. If you want me to stay here I can.”

Adam let out a sigh nervously wringing his hands together his fingers tinged with sweat droplets. “It’s not that I don’t want you to … I’m just scared. I don’t know if I can be around you and not have you … it’s breaking my heart.”

“Anything worth having is worth fighting for.”

I leaned in and kissed his forehead brushing his hair out of his face. He gave me a sweet smile and then led our walk over to the main house. The house alarm wasn’t set this time, so we just walked inside and were greeted by Leila immediately.

“I was just going to come get you both. I wanted to give Sauli a tour of the house before we ate.”

I knew she knew I was in the house so I didn’t say anything and followed her as she took me from room to room. Once we were upstairs she closed one of the doors behind us.

“You both have to be so careful … you can’t let him know. I’m really glad you’ve found someone Adam … you deserve to have love. I just wish you could show it.”

“I do too …”

She frowned slightly and let out a frustrated sigh. “As long as he’s not home you can be together all you want. You know I don’t care …”

“Thank you for that mom … it means a lot.”

“Yeah thank you …”

She gently patted my shoulder and then gave Adam a kiss on the forehead where she could finally tell how much he was trembling.

“It’s ok … I won’t ever let him hurt you again.”

“It’s not me I’m worried about …” He opened his arm pulling me against his chest protectively. His fingers tenderly caressing my scalp as he dragged his fingers thru my hair.

“I won’t let him hurt Sauli either … Come on let’s head downstairs I’m sure Roberto has the appetizers done by now.”

We followed his mom downstairs and into their gorgeous kitchen where Eber stood with Roberto. Roberto immediately walked over giving Adam a hug.

“Good to see you as always Adam. This must be your friend … Sauli right?”

“Yes sir … it’s very nice to meet you.” I extended my hand and his clasped it giving it a good strong shake.

“Roberto is fine. Leila tells me you’re not a picky eater?”

“Not at all si… Roberto.”

“Good there’s plenty of appetizers here I made garlic bread and my famous oil & vinegar bread dip, deep fried tortellini, balsamic bruschetta, and pepperoni stuffed mushrooms.”

“Well they sure smell amazing I’m sure they’ll taste even better.”

“Go ahead dig in. The chicken parmigiana will be done very soon.”

“Mmmm so good. What’s for dessert?” The way Adam’s face lit up when he talked about food was ADORABLE. The boy sure loves to eat.

“Well my tiramisu of course … and some zeppoles.”

“You are THE BEST … Sauli you haven’t LIVED until you’ve had his tiramisu and zeppoles. SOO good!”

I smiled and walked over to the kitchen island where all the appetizers were laid out. I grabbed one of the small plates that were stacked and placed one of everything on the plate. It was all SO amazingly good I had never had anything as good as this. Even the dinner I had actually had at Viva Napoli didn’t compare. But then again everything was so basic because of it being the free night too. Soon it was time to sit down for dinner and I found out we were going to eat in the formal dining room. Adam was sitting next to me and Eber was sitting directly across. Everyone was quiet and I thought that maybe it was going to be a peaceful dinner without questions from him … unfortunately that didn’t last too long.

“So Sauli where did you meet Adam?”

“Math class.” I looked at him in the eyes no more than a second before bringing some of the chicken to my mouth with my fork.

“Oh really? How come I haven’t heard him talk about you before?” The clang of his silverware echoed as he stopped eating bringing all his attention to me. My breathing slowed and it felt as though there was a lump in my throat. It was terrible.

“I … I just moved here earlier this year so I haven’t always been social here. A lot on my mind with my mom.”

“Do you know he’s a fag?” His eyes were intense, his lips pursed together in a villainous pout. Adam slammed his fist on the table and stood.

“DAD!!”

“EBER ENOUGH! Sauli sweetheart go head over to the guest house.” I went to get up to leave and he immediately rushed around me blocking my path out the door.

“No! I want to know the answer!”

Suddenly I felt like a small child … weak and defenseless. But then I looked over at Adam who was scared to death and I knew I had to be strong for him.

“Yes, I know he’s gay I’m not judging him for what he is. For the person he was born as.” I glanced at Adam out of the corner of my vision and saw him straighten up a bit in response to my comment. Eber’s eyes glassed over with this terrible fire of anger.   

“Get out of my house!!! You’re lucky my wife owns the guest house or you’d be out of there!!!” He fumed balling his fists in a fit of rage.

He went to swing at me and Adam flew over like a bat out of hell blocking him. That was when Eber proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. I tried to get him to stop but he flung his arm backward with enough force to send me back slamming my head into the wall. Rage filled Adam’s face and he pushed Eber enough to grab me and run out to the guest house his dad screaming profanities at us as we ran. Adam got in the doorway and after putting the deadbolt on collapsed gasping for air. I flipped on the light and noticed the blood pooling thru his shirt.

“Adam … you’re hurt.”

“I’m … ok. Really …”

I slid off his shirt and noticed a little bit of a stab wound from god knows what. It wasn’t large enough to need stitches but he was bleeding quite a bit from it.

“I’ll be right back ok?” I was scared shitless but I was trying my hardest not to let him see that. He needed me to stay strong for him.

I ran into the backroom getting bandages and whatnot that I had, had at the house for my mom. I got some gauze and bolted back into the living room.

“This might hurt ok?” He nodded in response and as I applied pressure to try to stop the bleeding he let out an ear piercing scream. There was something SERIOUSLY wrong.

“Adam you need to go to the hospital …” The crimson liquid was covering my hands in my attempt to fix the damage and I didn’t care.

“No … please ... don’t call”

“There is something wrong ok? You need help … and I can’t … I don’t know what, how ...” Tears impeded my vision but somehow I was able to call for an ambulance.


	9. Stubborn

They traveled lights and sirens so I knew it couldn’t have been good. The whole time I sat there holding his hand rubbing lines on the back of it. This killed me … why did it have to happen this way. He was trying to protect ME … it was MY fault this happened. Then rushed him in and he was so out of it … and I was so scared. They wouldn’t let me go back with him and forced me to wait in the main waiting room that was full of people. If I couldn’t be with Adam I just wanted to be alone. Curling up in the only dark corner of the room I tried my best to be invisible. About 15 minutes later I saw three uniformed police officers walk in. They walked over to the desk and while 2 of them proceeded into the ER one was directed over toward me.

“Sauli?” The officer stood in front of me his brunette locks in a crewcut, exhaustion obvious in his eyes.

“Yes … how can I help you?”

“Come with me let’s go in another room to talk. Some place more private.”

I nodded and got up following him into a side room that the nurse was allowing us to use. He gestured to one of the chairs before sitting opposite me.

“First off can I have your full legal name please?”

“Sauli Eerik Koskinen. K-O-S-K-I-N-E-N and that’s Eerik with 2 E’s and a K.”

“So you were a witness to what happened to Adam Lambert correct?”

“Yes …” He caught the hesitation in my voice and gently touched the back of my hand in a bit of a comforting gesture. Adam has told me that his dad would never stay in jail so what was there to do? What was there to say … and more importantly what SHOULD I say?

“You don’t have to be afraid Sauli. We have him in custody he won’t hurt you … either of you. Can you tell me in your words what happened?” The sound of his pen on the clipboard was echoing in the tiny room and making me want to claw out my ears. Every little noise was amplified, every beep … every scratch.

“He’s very homophobic … and he hates Adam. He attacked him a few years ago with battery acid up in San Francisco. I’m …. dating Adam now and Adam’s mom is letting my mom and me stay in their guest house since we currently have nowhere to go. His dad suspects that I’m gay and was corning me with questions when he met me tonight. He asked me if _“I knew his son was a fag”_ and when I responded that I did and would always accept him he ordered me out of his house and to go to the guest house where I was staying. I was starting to head over there when he went to swing at me. Adam got in between to protect me and he just started punching him … the head, the chest … everywhere. I tried to stop him but he threw me backward into the wall. That’s when Adam pushed him back to get away and got the both of us to the guest house. He collapsed and I … I didn’t know what to do …. I didn’t know what was wrong.” The tears returned swallowing up my words in a whirlwind of emotion. He handed me a tissue and glanced at me over top of the clipboard.

“Don’t worry he’ll be locked up for a long time. Are you ok? You’re not injured?”

“All I care about is him. I want to see Adam … they won’t let me back there.”

“I’ll go talk to them and see if they’ll allow you back considering the circumstances.”

A knock on the door interrupted us and one of the other cops stepped in.

“Sauli I’ll escort you back there. Adam’s mom gave permission and he’s asking for you. He keeps pulling the oxygen mask off. Officer Burger you’re done getting his statement correct?”

A little smirk filled my face … god he was so stubborn. The cop I was with nodded that he had everything and I was escorted back. As I approached I could hear them yelling at Adam to put his mask back on again followed by a cry of _“Sauli”._ I walked in the room and as soon as his eyes met mine I could see the calm wash over his body. I walked over and sat down right against the bed.

“I’m here … It’s ok. Listen to them they’re trying to get you better. You’re so stubborn …” He lifted up his arm gently rubbing my cheek which made the tears start. My sweet Adam … he didn’t deserve this. He brushed them away with his finger and I nuzzled my face into his hand. “Sleep Addy … I’ll stay right here ok? Everything is going to be just fine. I love you …”

I kissed his hand and just sat there rubbing it until he drifted off in a haze of morphine. About an hour later the doctor walked in followed by a team of nurses and they started unhooking him to move him.

“What’s wrong?!?” Panic set in as I stood there not understanding what was happening. It took a few moments for someone to acknowledge my existence but the doctor finally answered my pleading, stopping a moment to speak.

“We’re moving him to ICU … we’ll explain more once we’re there … follow us.”

It felt like my heart stopped beating and every breath felt like I was drawing it through a straw stuffed with cotton. What was happening?!? They were moving the bed at quite a fast clip and I was having a bit of difficulty trying to keep in time with them but I somehow managed. When we got to the room I leaned up against the wall trying to catch my breath. It only took a minute and as soon as everything was set back up the doctor walked over to where I was while the nurses were hooking up the extra machinery to him.

“He has a cracked rib and a SMALL pneumothorax which is a collapsed lung. We’re going to let that go for a couple days and monitor him to see if it fixes itself on its own. If not we’ll have to put in a chest tube to try to reflate it. It’s just much better for him to be here than the regular wings. More monitoring and individualized attention. Adam’s mom made sure you have clearance to stay here. She’ll be in later she’s meeting with her attorney over everything. We’re going to keep him sedated mostly so he’s comfortable.”

“Is there a way to get outside … I need to get some air.” My lungs felt heavy and full like I was being suffocated. All I knew was I needed to get outside and quickly.

“Yes just go straight down this hallway and once you get to the lobby there is a door on your left that leads outside. You just need to get a pass from the desk to scan to get back in.”

I thanked him and started walking in the direction of the lobby. As soon as I walked outside I noticed a huge group of people about 50ft away in front of the main doors. Four or five news vans were parked scattered across the lots in the front. What the hell was going on? Curiosity got the better of me so I slowly walked toward the crowd of people. When I got close enough I noticed Markus and some of the other soccer players among the group. They noticed me and came rushing toward me. I instinctively went to panic but I could see fear and not anger or intimidation in their eyes. Was this all about Adam? Marcus reached me and started walking away from the crowd guiding me with him.

“How is he?” Marcus’ eyes almost looked as though he had been crying. Were they really THAT close?!?

“What is all this about?”

“What happened is all over the news …” Johnny had joined us and answered glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody had followed him.

“He’s in the ICU … collapsed lung. They have him sedated to keep him more comfortable. That don’t know if they’ll need to do surgery or not yet. Waiting a few days to see if the lung re-inflates itself.”

“Can we … see him?” Marcus crossed his arms uneasy about the whole situation. It was obvious that they cared about Adam a great deal.

“No they won’t let anyone other than family in. Adam’s mom got me special clearance because …”

“Because you’re dating him … yeah we know.” Johnny’s voice wavered a bit but it was filled with worry and not intimidation or disgust. Something completely foreign to me.  

“I have to get back inside … I just wanted to come out for a few for some fresh air.”

They nodded and I walked a few steps toward the door before Marcus called out to me.

“Hey Sauli?”

“Yeah?”

“When he wakes up tell him that everyone is thinking about him. Tell him that there are lots of people keeping a vigil here.”

I nodded and scanned my pass before walking back inside. They buzzed me back into the ICU ward and I made my way back to Adam’s room. I sat next to the bed and lifted up Adam’s hand to kiss it. It was limp almost lifeless but it was warm … it was him. I went to raise my arm to rub his cheek but it suddenly felt heavy like a 100lb weight was attached to it. The door swung open and in walked Leila. She immediately walked over to Adam leaning down over top of him.

“Oh my poor baby. I’m so sorry …”

She looked over at me as I sat there hunched downward suddenly aware of the radiating pain in the back of my head. My eyes and hands clenched trying to find a way to ignore the pain. The next thing I knew Leila was directly in front of me lifting my head upward.

“Sauli are you ok? You look terrible.”

My mouth opened to talk but it was like I couldn’t. Like my mouth didn’t remember how to form them and my vocal cords were completely drained of sound. She immediately ran out of the room and soon a nurse and doctor came running in. The rest of what happened was a blur of people and bright blinding lights that made me want to cry. Then complete darkness so peaceful that it was like I was floating on a cloud. As good as it felt physically, mentally I felt off like there was something SERIOUSLY wrong. Suddenly I felt as though I was completely aware of my surroundings … the beeping of machines, the hand holding mine smooth fingertips soothingly rubbing circles. Slowly my eyes opened blurry until they began to adjust to the lighted room. I looked over to my side where I felt someone to see Adam sitting there. His hair was a mess and dark circles surrounded his eyes looking like he hadn’t slept in days. How the hell long had I been out for? He looked up and upon noticing my eyes open gave me one of his beautiful smiles.

“Hey baby … I’m so happy you’re awake.” I gave him a tired smile and tried to lean upward when his hand lightly pushed me down. “No Sauli just lay down … they don’t want you moving suddenly.”

“What … happened?” My voice was soft and croaky but at least it was loud enough for him to hear.

“You were in my hospital room and you started getting really bad pain in your head. They took you in for testing and you had quite a significate brain bleed from hitting your head against the wall. They’ve been weaning you off the sedative so you’ve been in and out for a couple days now. Mostly just awake for a few moments though. You haven’t talked before now.”

“How … long …. here?”

“Just about a month.” I looked at him with a worried protective glance. He chuckled and rubbed my face. “I’m fine Sauli … my lung inflated on its own and they didn’t need to do surgery. Of course you had to one up me.”

“Surgery?”

“Yeah they had to open up the skull to fix the bleeding.”

Lightly I ran my hand thru the little bit of hair that had regrown. I certainly didn’t remember having surgery and I didn’t really feel a lot of pain which I guess was a good thing.

“How’s … my mom?”

“She’s as good as can be expected. The chemo didn’t work as well as they would’ve hoped. It slowed the progression a bit but it didn’t shrink the tumors at all. They released her and my mom’s been keeping her comfortable at the guest house. She misses you. They’re trying to get her into the trial in Boston still … my mom is trying to pull strings with some contacts she has in the medical field.”

I tried to concentrate on what Adam was saying but my eyes were so heavy I just wanted to close them and to slip into the comforting darkness again “I’m so … tired.” I mumbled sleepily as Adam gently kissed my forehead.

“You rest … I’ll be right here I haven’t left.”

“At all?” I raised an eyebrow making Adam chuckle a bit.

“No … other than to take a quick showers in the family wing. My mom brings me food and I sleep right here.”

“You’re crazy …”

“If you mean crazy in love then you got it. Sleep baby ….”

“Come here ….?”

It was obvious that Adam’s mom had made sure they placed me in the special wing since I was laying on a Queen sized plush bed and there was a couch against the wall. I gestured next to me and Adam reached out rubbing my cheek.

“I wish I could but they won’t let me … trust me I’ve tried so many times.”

“Please … Addy? At least till they see?” He gave me a coy smile and curled up next to me on the side that didn’t have all the IVs. I cuddled up against him at peace being able to feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. It was like heaven. “You’re beautiful …” I mumbled as he kissed my lips.

“And so are you my love …”

I ended up falling asleep smushed right up against him as close as I could get.


	10. All My Fault

About 2 hours later I woke up and he was still laying there passed out. He looked so tired and worn and that broke my heart. The nurse walked in the room and upon seeing me awake, gave me a big smile.

“Well hello there Sauli it sure is good to see you awake. I see Adam didn’t follow the rules again.”

“I asked him … to.”

She jumped a bit with a look of surprise on her face. “Oh you can talk!?!”

“Yeah…?” What was the big deal about me talking? Were things really THAT bad?

“We weren’t sure what could be affected from the bleed. Some people have problems with speech or motor functions. Do you feel up to doing some movements for me?”

“Ok.”

She had me extend my arms and stretch a bit which I could do … slowly but I was able to. When she got to my feet I was able to wiggle my toes a bit but other than that nothing. I was disheartened but she gently patted my shoulder.

“You are doing great so far. We’ll just have to put you in physical therapy for your leg strength. It’ll be ok … the fact that you can wiggle your toes is a great sign.” She looked over at Adam and smirked at the fact he was still out cold. “Good for him to finally get some sleep … he hasn’t been sleeping much too worried about you. It’s ok if he lays there now that you’re awake. The doctor just signed the orders for me to disconnect the IV lines as long as you stay hydrated. So you’ll have to drink water all day alright?”

“If it means I get rid of these … damn things I’ll do anything.”

She disconnected the lines and I stretched out my arms enjoying the unrestricted motion. Immediately I cuddled against Adam wrapping my arm across his body shivering from the dampness in the room. She smiled gently covering the both of us with a huge quilt before dimming the lights and walking out. Adam didn’t wake but instinctively snuggled me in closer to him. God was he amazing. I ended up sleeping straight thru till the next morning and when I woke up Adam was lightly running his fingers along my spine. I looked up at him and eagerly kissed him not wanting to stop. After a minute he pulled away with a smirk.

“Hey … take it easy.” He chastised playfully as I gazed up into his baby blues. “God I love you Sauli … you are so freakin perfect.”

“I love you too. I don’t want you not sleeping ok? You need sleep too …”

“I was worried … I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s all my fault that this all happened … that you got hurt.” Tears started splashing down my cheeks and he immediately gave me a look of empathy.

“No … no baby never your fault. I’d protect you always nobody will hurt you on my watch. You have no idea how good it feels to hold you.”

“You have no idea how good it feels to be held.”

The joy on his face was beyond words just being around him was enough for make you feel like you hadn’t a care in the world. He noticed the quilt that was covering us and softly spoke.

“This was a gift from the school. Everyone in our class signed it and the Home Ecc. Teacher pieced it together. Marcus and the rest of the team have been rooting for you … they stopped by a few times to see how you were doing.”

I smiled and he wrapped his arms lightly around me keeping me flush against his chest. He was perfect … plain and simple. The hospital refused to let me go home until I showed improvement in physical therapy with my legs so at my instance they scheduled me for the next day and every day after that. At first I couldn’t walk at all and it was just strength training to try to build them up again. About 2 weeks later I was able to take my first steps at the parallel bars with Adam right there cheering for me. It was only a tiny step but it was something and he was so proud. The frustration started to build a week later when I wasn’t able to do more than a couple steps without feeling like I was going to fall. I was curled up in my wheelchair in the physical therapy room crying. Adam walked over and bent down in front of me lifting up my head.

“Hey … don’t cry it’s ok. You’re doing soo well.”

“No … I’m not. I’m scared I’m going to fall.”

“Try with me?” He rubbed my arm lightly trying to calm me down. I don’t know what it was about him but it always worked.

“I … don’t know if I can.”

He rolled my chair over to the one side of the parallel bars and then stood there while I hesitantly stood. He stayed directly in front of me as I slowly walked, his hands being what I grabbed instead of the bar. For the first time I was able to slowly make my way to the halfway point. There was no way I could make it till the end but it was still so exciting. He gave me a smile and hugged me holding me upright so I could stand.

“I’m so proud of you baby.”

“Thank you … you made me feel safe.”

“You want to try to walk back or do you want me to carry you?”

My leg muscles were crying from the movement begging for me to sit and relax. “I think I’ve had enough …”

“Alright come on …”

Since he was still holding me he put his hands on my butt and lifted up my legs while I wrapped my arms around his neck. He walked forward and placed me back in my wheelchair kissing my lips tenderly.

“I got you babe … your Addy will take care of you always.” He pressed his forehead to mine and I wrapped my arms around him. “Do you want to go outside for a little while?”

“I would LOVE that …”

Adam looked over at the therapy aid who nodded and with that we made our way out to the hospital courtyard. It was going to be the first time I was allowed outside. He brought me outside and when he was leaning down to put the brakes on my chair the sun shone on my face. Tears splashed down my face from pure joy but when Adam stood back up he got scared.

“What’s wrong?!?”

“It’s so beautiful … I missed is so.”

“You’ll be coming home soon and we can spend as much time outside as you want. We’ll go swimming and everything will be perfect.”

“Whatever happened with your dad? I can’t believe I never asked.” How could I forgot to ask about the reason we were in this predicament. I wanted to make sure there was no way of him making things any worse than they already were.

“He’ll be locked up for a long time don’t you worry about him. We were all over the news … the whole community was supporting us. Hospital had to hire an extra security team to keep the reporters and well-wishers from coming in the hospital. They didn’t know if you would make it for a while there … I thought I might lose you.” Tears slipped down his cheeks and with every one my heart broke a little bit more. I hated to see him cry.

“I’m too stubborn to go anywhere Addy you’ll have to put up with me for many years to come don’t you worry.”


	11. Rise And Shine

I woke up and stretched enjoying the comfort of the plush mattress and softest sheets known to man. It didn’t take long for Adam to walk in the room carrying a heaping tray of breakfast foods for the both of us. Ever since I had come home 2 days before he had been spoiling me rotten.

“Rise and shine gorgeous I made your breakfast.”

“What about Simone?” I questioned stretching a bit my neck cracking from the stiffness.

“I wanted to make you breakfast … more special that way.”

“You’re too good to me …” I playfully made a kissy face at Adam and he giggled taking my face in his hands.

“Well that’s a boyfriend’s job to spoil you …” He smirked and kissed my lips gently rubbing my cheek before letting go.

I could hear the front door open from the room and I immediately started freaking out. Not even a minute later Leila walked in followed by my mom.

“Mama!”

“Oh my baby …”

She came over and wrapped her arms around me holding my tight. It felt so damn good to see her finally. They wouldn’t allow her in the hospital to see me … too high of an infection risk. Leila had taken her up to San Francisco to visit a specialist so they were just getting home from the journey.

“How are you feeling mama?”

“So like you to be worried about me above you. How are you?” She sat down on the edge of the bed holding my hand tightly in hers.

“I’ll be ok … I want to know how you are.”

“As good as I can be. The specialist wrote a letter of recommendation for the Boston trial program. How are you getting around? Any better than you were?”

“That’s great news momma. A bit better … still need that thing at times.” I gestured over toward the little wheelchair that Adam had up against the other side of the bed. It was my lifeline … and my curse. I was able to take about 25-30 steps but only holding on to someone or something.

“It’s better than not being able to walk at all … I’m proud of you.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Adam.” He smiled at me and leaned down kissing my lips leaving me staring at him with a love drunk smile.

“You’re my strong fighter Sauli … you’re so brave. What is the next step for the Boston trial program?”

“Well … the doctor faxed over his letter of recommendation so we keep our fingers crossed.” She smiled sadly running her fingers thru my buzzed hair. “I was worried about you … I wanted to see you soo bad.

“I’ll be ok momma … you just worry about your health and getting better.”

“Yeah Emma … nothing will happen to this one on my watch. You have my word.” He smirked at me causing me to let out a giggle he was perfect.

“God bless you Adam … you’re something special.”

My mom leaned back kissing Adam’s forehead and wrapping her arms around him. Our family moment was interrupted by Leila’s phone ringing. She excused herself and walked out of the room. While she was gone Adam lightly tackled me backward pinning me down with his arms. Giggles escaped my mouth and my mom looked at Adam with a smirk on her face.

“Hey take it easy with him … he’s injured.”

While Adam was distracted with my mom I quickly flipped him on his back pinning him as my mom busted out in laughter. I had his wrists grasped pinning them back on the bed and he was lightly struggling under me not wanting to really struggle and hurt me.

“You gotta watch this one Adam … he’s a feisty one. Don’t let his size fool you …”

“I see …” He gave me a little playful glare causing my mom to laugh at how silly we were acting.

“I’ll let you boys alone … I’m getting sleepy anyway. I love you both …”

She walked out of the room and I looked up into Adam’s eyes.

“Are you gonna let go of my wrists now Mr. Koskinen?”

“Don’t think you’re getting off that easy …” I leaned my head down lightly kissing his neck lightly nipping at the skin. The muscles he had tensed trying to escape, relaxed and his breathing hitched. “That good baby … ?”

“Mmm soo good …”

I stopped and kissed his lips tiredly snugging up on his chest my head tucked against his neck my breath tickling his skin. Even though I let him go he didn’t try to move me … he loved nothing more than when I slept like this.

“I love you …” I mumbled sleep trying to overtake me. His hand rested on my back tenderly tracing my spine with his fingertips.

“I love you more …”

“Fat chance Lambert …”

I was just drifting off when Leila and my mom came back in the room. I leaned upward with sleepy eyes and let out a deep yawn.

“Sorry baby I hate to wake you. They accepted me … I have to leave now.”

I leaned upward full of confusion and surprise. “Now, now?”

“Yeah I have a flight in 2 hours …”

“But you … I …”

“Sauli … you have to stay here and get better. I’ll be ok I promise. Leila is going to stay out there with me for the first 2 weeks.”

I turned my attention to Leila and she walked over hugging me.

“Don’t you worry I’ll watch over her for you …”

Tears sloshed down my cheeks and my mom walked over snuggling me up against her. I took a deep breath trying to engrain her scent in my nose so I would never forget. It was scary not knowing when or if I’d get to see her again.

“How are you going to pack in enough time?”

“We’ve had bags ready for weeks now. They said if I was approved it would be a _‘you need to come now’_ kinda thing. We better get going Leila never know how traffic is going to be out that way.”

“Very true. Be safe you two … my gun is in the side table drawer in here. Adam remember that Sauli is still recovering … that’s all I’m going to say on that matter.”

She raised an eyebrow at Adam who promptly let out a cute little giggle … he was such a 5 year old. After another round of hugs and kisses they left leaving the two of us alone in an empty house. To be completely honest I was still super exhausted and Adam could tell. He laid down and opened his arms gently transferring me back on his chest. My hands slid underneath the hem on his t-shirt and I looked up at him with puppy dog eyes.

“You are adorable … go ahead.”

Gently I slid off his shirt then mine and snuggled down on his bare chest letting out a huge yawn. He pulled the covers up over the both of us and then started lightly running his fingers thru my hair. I was out in 2 minutes flat.


	12. He Deserves Better

When I woke up I was snuggling a pillow instead of Adam. I looked up confused and didn’t see him.

“Adam?!?”

There was no response and I immediately went on high alert fumbling in the nightstand for Leila’s gun. I could’ve sworn I heard motion but was too scared to say anything else seeing as Adam hadn’t answered when I called. About a minute later the door quietly opened and I sat there trembling holding the cold metal in my hands. Adam walked in followed by Marcus and Jonny the three of them jumping in shock. I immediately put the gun on the nightstand trembling. He immediately rushed over hugging me to reassure me.

“It’s just me … it’s ok.”

“I called you … you didn’t answer.” I was shaking and Adam just held me with the most heartbreaking look on his face. He felt TERRIBLE.  

“I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you. They called and asked if they could stop by, I was downstairs letting them in.”

My heart was racing and I felt sick … it was terrible. Adam sat down on the edge of the bed and Marcus and Jonny walked over carrying a basket full of some of my favorite snacks and get well cards signed by the whole grade. Marcus set it down and then looked me directly in the eyes.

“This is for you Sauli. The student council set it up.”

“Oh … well uhh thanks …” There was still nervousness and hesitation filling up my body when I was around them. I would never be able to forget the hell they put me thru … the way they made me feel. They could tell and turned their attention to Adam.

“We’re gonna get going … Do you feel like going to grab a burger with us Adam? Jonny and I are going to go to Joe’s to get burgers before getting ready for the dance tonight.”

“No I can’t … maybe some other time?”

I could tell he really wanted to go and I didn’t want him to center his life around me. It wasn’t fair to him in the least bit.

“Go ahead Adam … you deserve it.”

“But you …”

“I’ll be ok … I just want you to have a good time.”

“Are you sure? I can stay home if you need me to.”

“Yeah I’m sure.”

“If you need me call my cell ok?”

I nodded and he kissed my forehead. As soon as he left I let out a sigh … god I hated to be left alone. My stomach grumbled just thinking about a Joe’s burger. They were the best in town by a long run. The next two hours I spent anxious and on edge. I was expecting Adam back but instead I got a text from him.

_“They want me to go to the dance with them. At a tux shop right now getting one.”_

_“Nice …”_

Was I seriously reading this correctly?!? He wasn’t coming home at all till later? It took a moment but my phone dinged again and I could feel the anger boiling up as I read.

_“You ok Sauli?”_

_“Yeah fine …”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Whatever Adam.”_

_“I love you”_

_“Yeah whatever …”_

He texted me back after that but I just put my phone on the nightstand and ignored him. I was so frustrated, anxious and upset I didn’t know what to do with myself. Plus I felt incredibly trapped. Moving over to the edge of the bed, I was able to transfer to my wheelchair and head into the bathroom. After finishing up in there I knew I had to get something to eat. Unfortunately for me I was on the 2nd level and there was no food upstairs. Adam had even taken the basket with the snacks down into the kitchen. Maneuvering to the top of the stairs I got out of the chair sitting on the top step. Slowly, I made my way down the stairs on my butt one step at a time. I could see the wheelchair that was at the bottom of the stairs and managed to stand long enough to get off the stairs and into it. Once into the kitchen I took one of the containers that Simone had made the day before for today and heated it up in the microwave. All my energy was drained so I ended up eating my lunch in the wheelchair leaned up against the kitchen cabinet. This fucking sucked. Finally I got enough strength to wheel back into the living room and make myself comfy on the plush couch. I didn’t really feel comfortable down here but I had no choice, there was no way in hell I could get back upstairs. I felt so vulnerable with no cell phone, alone and no pain meds that I had to take. It was about four hours later when the pain started burning prickly ache that made me want to scream in agony. I needed my pills and now. Getting back over to the stairs I used the banister rails to claw my way up the staircase by my arms. Unfortunately I only got about halfway before I slid thru the railing falling about 6 feet to the ground. I knew by the stabbing pain in my arm that I had broken it. The only saving grace was when I fell it happened to be right by the house phone. I didn’t know Adam or Leila’s cell phone number off the top of my head so left without a choice I called 911. They took me in and after setting and casting my arm they left me in the waiting room cold and alone. The paramedic was nice enough to retrieve my cell phone from the bedroom before they took me in so I grabbed my phone to text Adam. I saw the couple texts I had ignored the last one saying that he figured I fell back asleep … oh how naively wrong that statement was. I started a new message and quickly texted him.

_“Can you come get me I’m at the hospital? Don’t have my key to get in or I would’ve just asked for a taxi voucher.”_

It only took a minute before a response came in.

_“Hospital?!? What happened?!?”_

_“I fell ok. Please just come get me … I just wanna go home.”_

It was only about 10 minutes later that Adam rushed in the waiting room in his tux. If I wasn’t so pissed off at him I would’ve been all over him … he looked fucking gorgeous. He saw my cast and let out a little gasp. I just ignored him and motioned for him to wheel me out. He did and as soon as we were on the road he spoke up.

“Are you going to talk to me and tell me what happened?”

The silence spoke my answer as the cool bitter air nipped at his ears giving my frosty reply without me uttering a sound. The glass blushed my cheek pink as it rested on its smooth surface my heart breaking into dust and my brain silently cursing Adam being selfish … so selfish in reply but I didn’t care. I was hurt and I just wanted to be alone. When we pulled into the now familiar driveway I wheeled myself into the house and he went to lift me to carry me upstairs when I stopped him.

“I’ll just sleep down here.”

“Oh …” He froze looking down in sadness. I could see him break before my eyes and it broke a bit of my defenses.  

“Goodnight …”

I started to wheel toward the downstairs guest room when he gently grabbed my good arm.

“Sauli I … I’m really sorry …”

I didn’t say anything and instead slowly rolled myself into the bedroom. He was hovering by the doorway and as I carefully transferred myself into bed my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller id and saw that it was Leila. Punching the button for speakerphone I answered.

_“Hello?”_

_“What happened the hospital just called me?!?”_

_“It’s just a minor broken arm …”_

_“But why did it happen?!?”_

_“I was being stubborn. Adam wanted to carry me down for dinner but I insisted I do it myself. I was butt surfing down the stairs and I slid off the side thru the slats in the banister.”_

_“Oh my god are you ok other than that?!?”_

_“Just a little bruised … I’ll be alright.”_

_“Is Adam there with you now?”_

_“He just went in the kitchen a few minutes ago to get us a snack.”_

_“Alright well you better stop being so damn stubborn now and listen. You need to take it easy alright?”_

_“Yes I will.”_

_“Tell Adam I love him … bye sweetheart.”_

_“Bye …”_

He stood at the doorway with shocked eyes not believing that I had lied about what had happened. He hesitantly took a few steps toward me testing the waters, until he reached the side of my bed.

“You didn’t have to do that …” He went to reach out to caress my side and I wiggled away from his touch.

“No sense getting her all riled up when she’s all the way across the country. Don’t need my mom to hear it …”

Tears slipped out of my eyes and I quickly wiped them away pulling the bedding up to under my chin.

“Sauli … please don’t cry. I’m so sorry … it was so stupid of me. I was being selfish.”

“I can’t believe you ditched me. You left me without access to food … you know I have to take my pills with food I can’t take them on an empty stomach.”

“You could’ve texted Simone … he would’ve helped you.”

“I didn’t want Simone … I wanted you. I thought you cared about me …” The hurt in my voice was obvious and it stunned him a moment before he continued.

“I do … I just missed my friends so much and I got caught up in wanting to spend time with them.”

“God I wish I would’ve just fucking died then you wouldn’t be burdened with me.”

“Sauli!!”

I turned over onto my right side with my back to where he was. Tears streamed down my cheeks and soon Adam was over at the other side of the bed staring at me with the most heartbroken look on his face. He sat down and I just didn’t feel like fighting to get him away. After a few minutes he laid down next to me and hesitantly reached up running his fingers in lines on my scalp. I was so exhausted from crying that I just let him do it.

“You’re most definitely not a burden.” He whispered just loud enough that I could hear still tracing the diagonal patterns on my scalp. I shifted stopping his rhythmic motion my eyes puffy and reddened … broken.

“Yes I am … I hate myself. I’ve never been to a dance … ever and I can’t even go and have a good time with my boyfriend. I just wish it would’ve been me you dressed up for and not them. They hurt me Adam … and I may be able to forgive but I can never forget the hell they put me thru.”

“Baby … you know I only have eyes for you.”

“I know that … I just …” Tears sloshed down my cheeks and he shushed me gently wiping them away. “I felt so helpless … I was so scared. You have no idea how horrible it is to be trapped in your own body like this.”

“You will never have to feel that way again ok? You have my word.” I allowed him to give me a kiss then gave him a small smile as he stood. “What …?”

“You look handsome …”

“Thanks love … will you come upstairs with me now?

After nodding he gently scooped me up careful of my arm and we walked into his bedroom. He quickly got changed out of the tux and before long I found myself curled up against him nuzzled into his chest. I could never stay mad at him. I wasn’t really paying attention when I realized he was staring at the black cast on my arm.

“How long you have to wear that?”

“Depends on healing but probably 8 weeks or so.”

“Does it hurt?”

“It’s tender but my pain meds lessen it.”

“You hungry or do you need anything?”

“Yeah …”

“What do you need?” Immediately he started to prop himself up to leave waiting for me to tell him whatever it was my heart desired. I gave him a small smile and gently pushed him downward snuggling close again.

“I just want you …”

“I’m here now …:

My breathing relaxed as he gently rubbed my shoulder. He must’ve thought I fell asleep because I heard sobs coming from him. I reached my free hand up lightly caressing his cheek and he sniffled a bit trying to get the tears to stop.

“Don’t cry Addy …”

“It’s my fault you’re hurt … I did this.”

“It was an accident Adam … I should’ve texted Simone to ask him to stop by and bring food up but I panicked.”

“You shouldn’t have had to make that choice … I should’ve been right by your side.”

I reached up and kissed him gently continuing for a few moments. I pulled away kissing the tip of his nose as I finished a sly smile crossing his lips.

“I’m ok … this is nothing just a little bump. I’m a klutz what can I say.”

His phone started buzzing and he was going to ignore it until I handed it to him and he saw it was Marcus. He put it on speakerphone before speaking.

_“Hello?”_

_“Where did you go?”_

_“Sauli had an accident … I had to leave.”_

_“Convenient …”_

_“What?!?”_

_“Just saying that it figures the first time you’re able to hang out with all of us again that he has ‘an injury’. He’s trying to keep you away from us, the guy is bad news Ad I’m telling you. Did you see how standoffish he acted when we stopped by?”_

_“He broke his fucking arm Marcus you can’t exactly fake a broken arm. And if you remember correctly all of you treated him like shit so he has reason to dislike all of you.”_

_“Oh … is he ok?”_

_“Don’t start you pity now after you just talked shit about him. But yeah he is ok in fact he’s sitting right here with me listening to this whole convo on speakerphone.”_

_“Whatever Ad but I’ll say this so you can hear it too Sauli. Adam deserves better than you.”_

With that Marcus hung up the phone and Adam just stared at the call ended screen in disgust.

“What a dick! I’m calling him back and giving him a piece of my fucking mind.”

He went to redial his phone number but stopped when I gently rubbed his arm. His attention was drawn to me immediately and his face softened. I leaned in and started kissing his lips tenderly. His body relaxed and I carefully moved myself on top of him. I slowly trailed kisses back to his ear then down to his neck. After a few minutes I pulled away staring into his eyes.

“I love you … so much.”

“I love you too … you are perfect. Don’t let him make you think otherwise.”

“Never …” His lips were plump and smooth as I softly slid my fingertip along them. He lightly took one of my fingers in his mouth lightly sucking on it before letting it go with a pop.

“Are you tired Sauli?

“Not really … are you?”

“No …”

He sat up and pulled me back against his body. As I melted into his arms I smirked at the trace of liner still on his eye.

“What …?”

“You still have a bit of liner on your eye.” I used my tongue to wet the tip of my thumb using it to wipe it away. The liner smudged coal black on my skin but I simply rubbed it on my sweats. “Did you at least have fun at the dance?”

“Yeah it was nice … all my girlfriends were so excited to see me. All four of them were fighting over who got to dance with me first. You’ll have to meet them they’d LOVE you I’m sure. I doubt you’ve met any of them before they’re all juniors and a few go to tech instead of school.”

“Damn I wish I could dance with you ... I’ve never danced with anyone before.”

“Never?” He raised his eyebrow totally not believing what I said. What a little shit of a skeptic he was.

“Nope, not other than dancing with my mom when I was real little.”

“Good then I can be your first … in more ways than one.”

He playfully nudged my neck and I blushed and buried my head into his chest. I left my chin against his chest and peered up at him smiling down at me … god he looked perfect. I reached underneath his shirt gently sliding it up with my one hand and puppy dog eyes. He playfully sighed and took off his shirt. I responded by gently placing kisses on his bare chest slowly moving back up to his lips. His lips were so soft and inviting as mine met his in passionate kisses. He brought his hands around to my back and rested them on my ass cheeks as I groaned into his mouth lightly pressing my groin against his.

“Easy baby …”

“Okay, if I HAVE to …”

I carefully flopped on my back next to him taking deep breaths. Adam was on my good side so I slowly crept my arm over and in one move slid my hand down his sweats grasping at his dick. The moan that escaped his lips made my blood boil … so sexy. After he composed himself a moment he grabbed at my arm pulling it away.

“No Sauli … I don’t want to hurt you.” His breath was heavy and his eyes lust glazed. It was obvious how much he wanted to say to hell with it.

“Please baby?” My words husky and low as I kissed and nipped at the side of his chest.

“You are a little stubborn firecracker aren’t you …”

“Mmm you know you love it …”


	13. Boston In Our Sights

I woke up with Adam next to me and 3 girls draped over us and the rest of the bed. Thank god Adam had a king sized bed but even so it was a tight fit. I gently maneuvered around various arms and legs and stood up stretching. It was so nice to be able to walk around again and to not have the cast on anymore. I still had to be careful when I walked but you could never tell I had a TBI. Makenna, one of the girls, woke up and sleepily yawned before too standing up.

“What a night.”

“Yeah, it sure was a good one. Adam is still out cold.” I murmured staring at the mass of blankets concealing his sweetly snoring frame. He looked like a burrito the way they were all tucked around him.

 “He’s adorable when he’s sleeping. How do you not just stare at him?”

“I do spend more time than I’d care to admit doing just that. It’s hard not to he looks so peaceful. I’m going to head downstairs and start on breakfast.”

“I can come help if you want?”

“Sure if you want to.”

All of the girls were Adam’s best girlfriends and they had definitely become mine as well. They were super sweet and they all ADORED the both of us. We had stayed up till 4am curled up in bed just talking, playing games and singing karaoke. It was my best night in a long time. It was already 11:30am so I grabbed out everything we would need and started making eggs, bacon, homefries and pancakes. Makenna was helping me and between the two of us we had everything pretty much under control. Her phone started ringing so she stepped a bit away to answer and a few moments later walked in the room.

“Hey Sauli?”

“What Mak?” I cracked another egg into the container I was working with and began to mix in everything else to make the perfect scrambled eggs … Adam’s favorite.   

“It’s ok if Jessie brings Ezra over to visit for a little while right?”

“Of course they’re always welcome.”

Jessie was another one of Adam’s friends and Ezra was her 4 month old. He was ADORABLE and he LOVED Adam and me. We hadn’t seen him in probably 2 weeks or so, so it would be nice to see him again. We were just finishing up making breakfast when the doorbell rang about 15 minutes later. I walked over to see Jessie standing there holding Ezra in his car seat.

“Hey sweetheart!”

I gave her kisses on both cheeks and let her in the house. She put the car seat down and I immediately knelt down with him.

“Hey buddy you’re getting so big. Yes you are.”

He responded by giving me his cute little smiles. I took him out of his car seat and was holding him on the couch making funny faces at him. He was laughing so hard at me it was adorable. Jessie stood there with a smile on her face.

“Is Uncle Sauli funny Ezzy? Where’s Adam?”

“Oh he’s still up in bed with Desi and Morgan we were up late last night. You can go up there and wake them up if you want, breakfast is done anyway. Have you eaten?”

“Just a piece of toast before we left this morning. Little man had to get a blood test done this morning.”

“Is everything ok?” I frowned at her and she gave a small smile nodding to calm my fears.

“Yeah nothing is wrong just some genetic testing we’re having done. His pediatrician thought it would be a good idea to check for a couple things that run in my family. It’s the 2nd door on the left, right?

“Yep.”

Ezra let out a huge yawn and snuggled up in my arms with drooping eyelids. He was so innocent and precious I loved to hold him while he slept. About 10 minutes later I could hear the sounds of everyone heading downstairs. Adam immediately walked over and gave me a kiss before looking down at the baby.

“Wow and he’s out already … you got the magic touch for making the little guy sleepy babe.”

“I don’t know what it is about you Sauli. He usually doesn’t fall asleep in anyone’s arms but mine.”

“He must’ve been sleepy … is it his normal nap time?”

“Yeah he tends to go down about 12:30-12:45pm. I can put him in his car seat to sleep if you want?”

“It’s ok I got him.”

We all walked into the kitchen and filled out plates up with food. Everyone was talking but Ezra just slept away oblivious to the noise around him. He started to wake a bit but with a couple of shushes and sways he was out cold again. I ate a bit as I held him and then Adam carefully took him to snuggle him for a little bit before they had to leave. Seeing him holding that precious little baby was absolutely adorable and so perfect. He was a natural and I couldn’t help but imagine some day in the future when we might have kids of our own. About 1pm Jessie had to leave so she got Ezra all strapped in his car seat and came back for kisses and hugs.

“You both are going to make a great fathers someday.”

“Maybe someday …” He looked down at me and smiled and immediately pulled me in close with his arm. In that moment everything felt perfect … everything felt right.

A few minutes after Jessie left, a text blipped on my phone. I figured it was from Leila so I quickly pulled it out. She was visiting their restaurants on the east coast for the month and she promised to go see my mom in Boston. They wouldn’t let me go because of my brain injury and flying, something to do with the cabin pressure and the one drug I was on making me susceptible to germs. That killed me … I wanted to see her so badly. Opening up the message I was greeted with a picture of my mom sleeping. She was a shell of the woman I knew basically skin and bones, a terrible gray tinge covering her body. Accompanying the photo was a message …

_She mostly just sleeps but they said that’s a good thing. No progression of tumor growth but no shrinkage either. Most people don’t show improvement till they’re on the trial for 6-7 months. She was confused a bit … didn’t recognize me at first. As soon as she realized she asked about you and told me to tell you that she loves you._

I bit on my lip tasting the metallic crimson liquid as it dripped into my mouth. It had been 4 months already that she’d been there … that I’d be separated from her. It was the longest we’d ever been apart. Adam was talking with the girls but noticed I was quiet and looked over. He realized immediately that something was wrong, he could read me so well which was both a blessing and a curse.

“What’s wrong?!?”

“My mom … she’s not doing well …”

I handed the phone to Adam and when he saw the photo there we no mistaking the deep inhale of air. He immediately wrapped his arm tightly around me knowing that at that moment, I needed my boyfriend more than anything.

“I need to see her … it’s not fair. I’m going to stop this medication, maybe then I can see her.” Tears flowed down my face flooding the collar of my shirt as it laid sopped against my chest.

“Sauli … you can’t, you need that medication to keep you safe.”

“You don’t understand … I need to …”

He pulled me in close against him my tears dampening his t-shirt but he didn’t care. He knew that I needed him and at that moment that was all that mattered in the world. The girls just stood there in shock not sure of what to do. They all ended up holding me from behind in sort of a group hug. I loved them, they made me feel less embarrassed about breaking down in from of them. Truth be told though I just wanted to go curl up in bed with Adam and cry. I grabbed Adam’s shoulders and hoisted myself up wrapping my legs around his waist. My head resting on his shoulder tears pooling through the white cotton fabric. Adam made a motion to the girls that I couldn’t see and then one by one they patted or rubbed my back and ran upstairs gathering their things.

“They don’t have to … leave.” My voice was croaky but in all reality I didn’t want to force them out. Knowing that was happening only made me feel worse.

Adam sat down and cupped my face in his hands. “You need me right now and I want you to have all of my attention ok? They understand don’t worry …”

“I don’t know what I’d do … without you.”

His calming shushes and the onslaught of tears actually made me fall asleep. When I woke up I was sleeping on his bare chest his hands resting lazily on my spine. He felt me move and immediately brought one of his hands to my face lightly caressing it.

“I talked to your doctor. He said if you take a different medication for a couple days in addition to what you take now AND you’re VERY careful, you can go visit your mom.”

“Really?” I sat up a little too quickly in excitement making myself dizzy in the process. He gave me a sad smile and lightly brought me back down to his chest.

“They aren’t happy about you flying … it can be dangerous. But I explained the situation and they thought you’d think the risk was worth it.”

“Can’t we travel by train or something instead?”

“It’s about a 3 day journey … you think you’re up for it?”

“We can get a cabin to ourselves … it would be like a mini vacation away from here. Just the two of us …”

“Alright I’ll get us tickets … we can leave tomorrow ok?”

He kissed my forehead smoothing back my hair as I lazily flopped back onto my back allowing him to go get his iPad. About 10 minutes later he came back in the room and lifted me back onto his chest letting me snuggle up on his bare skin.

“We leave 11:15am tomorrow … the first leg is 43 hours and the second is an additional 14 with a 6 hour layover in between. We have a private cabin with a window I made sure of that.”

“Thank you … I don’t know what I’d do … without you.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you …”


	14. What Did You Do With Him

The scenery rolled by the picture window as we finished the last leg of our journey. It had been a LONG almost 3 days and I was ready to get to Boston already. But at the same time I was scared to get there … scared of what awaited me. Adam was curled on the bed with his bare back to me snuggling a pillow, I wanted to just stay here in this little space and forget everything around us. After staring out the window a moment more I slid back down next to Adam spooning him from behind. He stirred and looked back over his shoulder in concern.

“Okay?”

“Yeah … just cold.”

“Come here then.”

He moved onto his back and gently pulled me on top of him pulling the blankets up to cover us both. I just rested my head over his chest listening to the lull of his heartbeat … willing myself to be strong for this perfect guy. He was worth it and then some. I sniffled a bit and his hand immediately was on my head, his fingers gently running thru my hair.

“I’m scared Addy … I don’t want to lose her.”

“I know but all we can do is be there for her and support her and know if it is her time at least there will be no more pain.”

“I know … it’s just so hard.”

He lifted my face up so he could look me in the eyes. “I’m here and I’ll be here through everything that is going to come. I’m not going anywhere ok? You won’t have to go through any of it alone.”

“God I love you …”

My lips met his to thank him and I resumed my position on his chest. It was probably my most favorite place in the world. We weren’t able to relax long though as our stop in Boston was fast approaching and it was back to the harsh reality of it all. When our stop was announced we grabbed our stuff and shuffled our way off the train. Leila was in London working on a restaurant over there but she had scheduled a driver to drive us around and rented a villa for us to stay in. Once in the car I just rested my head on Adam’s shoulder shuddering. He immediately held me close trying to steady my nerves. The driver took us straight to the villa to drop off our bags and waited in the car for us to come outside. We were going to go directly over to the hospital to see my mom. The nerves set in big time as I clasped Adam’s hand trying to get my anxiety level down. As much as I wanted to see her was how much I didn’t. When we finally got to the hospital Adam walked me to the wing that my mom was in and kissed my forehead.

“I have to go now … tell her that I’m thinking about her ok?

“Go? What why?!?” My eyes grew big as saucers and I grasped at his arm not wanting him to leave my side. Not wanting to be alone when I saw her. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his.

“They won’t let me back … only you. You’ll be alright Sauli you can do it ok? Call me if you need me I’m just going to go for a walk. It’s 12:15pm how about I meet up with you here at 2pm and we can go get something for lunch?”

“Ok …”

I looked at him with defeated eyes and he just gently rubbed my cheek to reassure me I was making the right decision. Watching as he walked away and boarded the elevator I turned and walked over to the check-in desk. A portly woman with fire engine red hair was flipping thru a People magazine and glanced at me over her oversized glasses.

“Yes … can I help you?”

“Umm yeah … I’m here to see my mother … Emma, Emma Koskinen.”

“Did you submit a request for visitation?”

“Yes ..”

“Was it approved?” She glared at me her contempt at having to work was obvious. How could anyone working a job like this have an attitude like she was giving me?!?

“Yes … Leila Lambert was going to take care of all the paperwork. I just traveled here from Los Angeles by train.”

“So I suppose you don’t have a copy of the confirmation email?” A look of annoyance crossed her face when I shook my head no and she let out a loud sigh. “Fine … I’ll be right back then.”

She shuffled a few feet over to this towering slate colored filing cabinet and after rooting around for a few minutes she returned and handed me a pass.

“Swipe this here at the door and then stop at the nurses’ station they’ll take you back.”

“Thank you …”

After struggling a bit with the scanner it finally accepted the pass and I walked into this brightly lit corridor. Creams and light yellows covered the walls and the smell of antiseptic wafted up and choked me. Boy I didn’t miss that smell. The nurse seated at the desk saw me and walked out from behind it with a smile.

“Visiting?”

“Yes ma’am … Emma Koskinen, she’s my mom.”

“Oh YOU’RE Sauli? The way she talked about you I pictured a little boy. You’re so grown.”

“She talks about me?” I got a little choked up and tried to smile at her but I know it didn’t come close to looking like one.

“Off and on … she has good days and bad days. Most of the time she just rambles not making much sense. She’s confused and even combative at times … one of the shittier parts of her tumor location. When it gets this bad it’s practically cooking the brain from the inside out. She kept saying that she needed to see her baby boy.”

“Can I see her?”

“Sure, let me show you where her room is.”

I closely followed behind until we arrived at a large room with a huge picture window overlooking the bay. It was gorgeous especially if for a moment you forgot that you were in a hospital. The nurse gently patted my shoulder and walked back to the nurse’s station leaving me alone in the room. She was on the bed just skin and bones an awful ashen color to her skin. Slowly I walked over quietly sitting on the chair next to her bed. She didn’t even stir … it broke my heart to see her like this. Gently, I took her free hand and gently started rubbing circles on it. After a few minutes she opened her eyes and looked at me with fear yanking her hand away. In that moment what was left of my heart crumbled into a thousand tiny shards.

“Momma it’s me … it’s Sauli.”

“You lie … what did you do with him?!? What did you … do with my baby!?!”

She started screaming and thrashing her arms out at me screaming “ _what did you do with him_ ” over and over and over. The nurses came running in and ushered me out of her room while they went inside to calm her down. As I stood there looking in the room the tears came … my own mother didn’t know who I was. After a few minutes they finally got her settled and one of the nurses walked over to me with a bit of an annoyed attitude.

“We finally calmed her down. I wouldn’t advise going back in there today as you’ll just start her all over again. She’s very erratic like this it’s normal that she doesn’t remember in fact it’s to be expected. That’s why we advise the family if they care to come visit before their loved one gets to this stage.”

“Excuse me?!? I care about my mother how DARE you insinuate that I don’t. For your information I was in a coma for a month with a TBI and had to learn to walk all over again. If I could’ve physically I would’ve been here since Day 1 but I couldn’t. That woman in there means the world to me so how DARE you try to lessen that.” I wanted to throw something at her but instead I simply balled my hands into fists flexing and then relaxing them.  

She just stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face and I just shook my head heading out into the main lobby. There were a few people sitting there and I just wanted to be alone so I headed over to the elevator to try to go look for Adam. There was no cell service inside so I was going to head down to the lobby figuring that he headed down there to walk. There was the gift shop, a little corner store, Starbucks and the cafeteria among other things so there was lots to see. I was about to push the lobby button when I saw a little flake of his midnight blue nail polish on the ‘7’ button. He hated that damn polish, it always flaked off on surfaces leaving a trail like breadcrumbs. In this case I was thankful for it … I really needed him right then. As the elevator ascended I used my thumbnail to scrap the bit of polish and because of the scratching motion it ended up engraining itself into the tip of the nail. Damn he needed to get rid of it what a mess. When the doors opened I was greeted by a cheery waiting area with children’s drawings on the walls. A giant paper crane mobile hung from the apex of the ceiling filled with bright colors and patterns. A cheery nurse was sitting at the desk and smiled upon seeing me.

“Hi hun are you here to visit someone?”

“I’m actually looking for my boyfriend we got separated and I think he came up here. His name is Adam I just …” I bit my lip lightly to stop the tears from wanting to spill out of my eyes. I did not need to cry in front of a stranger today.

I could sense from the look on her face that she didn’t remember by name so I quickly pulled out my cell phone tapping on my camera roll. I found a picture of him and presented it to her. Her face brightened in recognition and she smiled.

“Yes he’s up here … he’s actually talking with Dr. Bruno right now in the Jaindl lounge. Take this hallway here and when it comes to the 4-way intersection make a left. It’ll be on your right in that hallway you can’t miss it.”

“Ok … thank you.”

She smiled and I started wandering in that direction. It didn’t take long for me to realize that this was the pediatric oncology floor as I passed little warriors trudging along with their IV poles walking the hallway loops. Soon I found the area the nurse was talking about and started searching for him. I was just about to give up when I heard his voice coming from a room a little bit further up the hallway. As I slowly approached I could tell that he was crying a bit his words getting choked as they made their way out. Immediately my protective instincts came out. He wasn’t really a person who would cry in front of just anybody so I knew something was wrong. Carefully I walked closer so I could try to hear what was going on without being seen.

_“Are you sure that surgery is the only option?”_

_“Based on the scans the tumor has grown into your tendons and nerves. If we don’t do the amputation and instead try the limb saving surgery you may never be able to use your leg again ... and based on your scans there is too high of a risk.”_

_“Ok … what is going to … happen? Like … a timeline?”_

_“We start with 10 weeks of chemo before surgery. Then after the surgery we like to give chemo for a year afterward. I know you don’t live here … I can refer you to a fantastic oncologist out in Los Angeles so you wouldn’t be away from home.”_

_“No … you’re the best with this. My mom was adamant I stay here … she rented us a house to stay in.”_

_“Ok … I don’t want to wait too long to start chemo. Today is the 12 th … we’ll start it on Monday which is the 15th …. head to the infusion center for 10am. Is there anyone who can come with you? I don’t like my patients being alone especially for their first treatment.” _

_“Yeah …”_

_“You’ll get thru this Adam. We’re going to get you thru this.”_

The sobs that were echoing from the room were enough to shatter me from the inside out. I stood there scared and emotionless wishing that what I was hearing was a figment of my imagination or some kind of sick cruel joke. The doctor slid a box of tissues over toward Adam and patted his back before telling him to take all the time that he needed in there. I shuffled backwards up the hallway before the doctor came out and he smiled nodding to say hello as he passed. Once he did I walked back over to the room and stood at the doorway peering in. There sat Adam shaking his head in his hands letting out these gut-wrenching sobs. Slowly I approached him and placed my hand on his shoulder. Thinking that it was the doctor he immediately looked back over his shoulder. When he noticed it was me he tried to compose himself.

“What … how did you …?”

“Nail polish in the elevator … why didn’t you tell me?”

“Sauli I … I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t want you to deal with me on top of everything. This doctor is the best … I thought he could save my leg ….”

Tears streamed down his face as I wrapped my arms around him holding him tight. Knowing that this time I couldn’t make everything better killed me but at least I would be able to be right by his side thru everything.

“I’m here ok? You’ll have me right by you … just like you were there for me. We can do this … and we will.” I kissed his forehead running my fingers thru his thick locks. Lovingly shushing him as my hands gently rubbed his back.

“Can we go … back to the villa?” His words were barely a choked whisper but I nodded caressing his scalp.

“Yeah we can … come on. I’ll text the driver.”

I wrapped my left arm tightly around him as I texted the driver with my right hand. By the time we got out to the parking lot he was waiting. Adam slid in first and I followed as we started the journey back to the villa. He finally got himself calmed down and was resting his head on my shoulder peacefully. After being quiet for a while he finally spoke up.

“How’s your mom?”

“She’s ok … tired. She said hello.”

I found it best to lie to him … he didn’t need to worry about that on top of everything with himself.  I had to be strong for Adam’s sake. He nodded and relaxed back onto my shoulder. I loved that he felt comfortable enough with me to show this vulnerable weak side but the circumstances killed me. When we got back to the villa he immediately went up to bed and buried himself under the covers. I went into the kitchen and heated up some soup that Leila had stocked in the fridge. I got a bowl for each of us and walked upstairs into the bedroom carrying them. He peered his head out when I entered the room and slid upwards a bit unburying himself.

“Will you eat some soup with me?”

“Not hungry …” He grunted pulling the blankets back up on him.

“Please … for me? You have to keep your strength up.”

“I’m not hungry Sauli ok?!?”

“But …”

“I said NO!!”

He shoved the tray at me causing the warm liquid to slosh all over my front. He just stared at me a moment but didn’t say anything and just reburied himself. He was closing himself up and it was breaking my heart. I took off my shirt throwing it in the laundry room before taking the tray back downstairs where I ate the little bit that was left in the bowls. Needing some sleep I went back up in the bedroom to see if he wanted me there or not. He didn’t acknowledge my entering and I slowly laid down next to him. He allowed me to wrap my arm around him spooning him from behind, but didn’t reciprocate any bit of affection to me. It was like an icy dagger straight to the heart and it sucked … badly. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but it was nearly impossible. I felt Adam gently move my arm off of him and turn toward me. Pretending to be asleep I waited for him to pull me in close like he always did but he just clasped his arms together and drifted off.


	15. Together

By the time I woke up it was time for dinner. Adam wasn’t in bed next to me so I walked around looking for him. After looking for about 10 minutes I saw him curled up on the back porch swing thru the kitchen doors. Hesitating a moment I opened the doors walking outside. When he heard the scrape of the metal he looked up at me. For a few moments I just stood there awkwardly not even sure of what to say. The wind gust tickled the hairs on my arm making me shiver. He saw and after hesitating lifted the blanket that was on him as an invitation for me to join him. It was a small swing so I was sitting right up against him. As soon as I was down he wrapped the blanket around the both of us and pulled me in against him. I let my head rest lazily on his chest and soon his fingers were slowly dragging thru my hair. After a few minutes he spoke breaking the silence.

“I care about you too much to have you be … burdened by me.”

“Adam you’re …” He frowned and huffed a bit interrupting my train of thought.

“No let me finish. I could die from this Sauli … and I don’t want you to be hurt by me. I can’t have you be hurt by me.”

“It would be an honor to have my heart broken by you. We’re a team you and me …” My words stunned him leaving his speechless. He turned me toward him and a small little smile appeared on his face. Leaning in I lightly brushed his cheek with mine. Pressing our noses together I looked him directly in the eyes. “Together?” I murmured my breath dancing on his lips.

He clasped my hand in his and pressed his forehead to mine.

“Together …”

I cuddled back up against him and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. We stayed there for probably an hour just enjoying being together. I could tell he was scared but at least he finally accepted me being there for him. As I was snuggled against him I felt his stomach grumble and giggled.

“You come eat something with me now?”

“Ok …”

The weekend passed pretty quickly. He wasn’t the total happy-go-lucky Adam that I knew and loved but I couldn’t blame him for that. He was very lovey to me though and that was a beautiful thing. We spent Sunday curled up in bed together him barely letting me leave his side. The alarm was set for 7am Monday morning so I got up and got him a large glass of ice water and made him some toast and egg whites. When I walked back upstairs he was just stirring.

“Hey Addy … here I made you breakfast.”

“Hi baby.”

I walked over and he gave me a kiss. While he was eating I went to take a shower and before long he joined me. I still had shampoo in my hair and he rinsed all of it out before gently pushing me back against the wall kissing my lips. It wasn’t frantic or necessarily wanting to lead to more, it was just tender and perfect. He pulled away and I gave him a smile.

“I love you Adam …”

“And I love you Sauli Eerik Koskinen. Thank you … for everything.”

After I returned the favor to him of shampooing his hair and getting him all clean, we headed back into the bedroom to get dressed. He finished dressing first and when I was done I found him on the balcony that extended from the master bedroom. I walked up wrapping my arms around him from behind. He lightly pulled me in front of him and held me with my back pressed into his chest as we looked out over the acres of perfectly manicured grass … so streamlined and sterile. His lips gently kissed at my ear and I lolled my head backward giving him better access. Next thing I knew he was lifting me up and holding me in his arms.

“Baby … you don’t have to hold me.”  

“I want to Sauli … I won’t be able to …”

“I just don’t want to hurt you. I know your leg hurts.”

“It’s nothing that I can’t deal with if it means I can hold you in my arms.”

After I found out about the cancer he wasn’t so secretive about taking his meds anymore and I realized how much pain he was actually in. My poor baby … it killed me. He winced holding my extra weight and I rubbed his cheek. Tears spilled out and reluctantly he put me down griping painfully at his leg after.

“It’s ok baby … come on inside we don’t have to leave for another 15 minutes.” I extended my hand to him and he tightly clasped it heading into the bedroom with me. He laid down and I gently laid down on him careful to avoid leaning on his leg. “Here … now you can hold me.”

He gave me a tired smile and wrapped around me. We just quietly stayed there until the driver texted us that he was there. I stood up and Adam cautiously followed limping a bit. The colder weather was proving hell on his leg. When we got to the infusion center Adam went up to the desk to check in. I was standing right behind him and the nurse gave me a once over before speaking to Adam.

“Hi hun. Name?”

“Adam … Adam Lambert.” He was starting to shake from nerves and he reached back grasping at my hand to steady himself.

“I see this is your first time. You have to fill out some paperwork. Do you have a ride back home after?”

“Yes. “

“I see you have someone with you?”

“Yes … my boyfriend.”

“He can go back with you … we allow one ‘visitor’ back per person.”

She handed him a stack of papers and he nervously started filling them out. It was mostly a medical history but the last page was a contact person. I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was doing when Adam let out a huff of annoyance.

“What?”

He presented the paper in front of me pointing exaggeratedly at the last section. “Check this out … _Please list a contact person in the event of an emergency. This person MUST be a family member (spouse, parent, sibling, aunt/uncle etc.). This CAN NOT be a boyfriend/girlfriend UNLESS you do not have family members to list_. It doesn’t make sense to list my mom when most of the time she’s in other countries.”

“What’s is their reasoning behind that?”

“I’m going to go ask …”

He stood up and traveled a few feet back to the desk. The nurse looked up and smiled at him.

“Finished hun?”

“No I actually have a question with this. I can put my mom down but she’s mostly overseas. Can I put my boyfriend down instead?”

“We don’t usually allow that.” I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was all to accustom to this questioning and that it didn’t usually end well.

“Well why?”

The receptionist nervously tapped her pen doodling on a scrap of paper as she spoke. “There were some problems in the past. They figure that until you’re married the relationship can end at any time. So that’s why we really only allow spouses.”

“Well they could always end in divorce too.”

“Yeah but … it’s a lot more likely to stay in a married relationship then just dating. Are you underage because if you are then it has to be a parent regardless?”

“No I turned 18 a few months ago.”

“We suggest putting your mother down but if you don’t want to then I can try to slip it thru with your boyfriend’s info.” Adam could tell by her face that she’d get in a LOT of trouble if he did that so it just smiled.

“It’s ok I’ll just put my mom down. I was just curious as to why it was worded the way it was.”

She immediately relaxed and nodded while Adam quickly added Leila’s info to the form before handing the clipboard to the receptionist. He then walked back over sitting next to me. I could see the anxiety in his eyes and I gently clasped his hand rubbing circles on the back of it with my thumb. He leaned over lazily resting his head on my shoulder closing his eyes. With him being that close I could actually feel him trembling. It didn’t take long for us to realize we would be playing the ‘ _hurry up and wait’_ game seeing as it was already 10:30am and no sign of him going back. Every minute that past made him get antsier until finally at 10:43am a bleach blonde cheerleader type nurse walked out and called his name. Slowly he rose and shuffled over to where she was standing. She led us to a small room to take his vitals and review his chart.

“Have you been tested for AIDS recently?”

“No.”

“Oh … well I see here that you are gay and you marked that you’re currently sexually active … correct?

“Yes …” Adam scrunched up annoyed at her insinuation of just because he’s gay that automatically means he’s a slut and has AIDS.

“Then the doctor should’ve told you that you had to have a HIV test before coming here for your first round.”

“There is NO need. We’ve only ever had sex with each other so I know that we’re clean.”

“Well things can sometimes happen as we know and …” She flipped the pages she was looking at back down on the binder she was holding and went to walk out. By this point Adam was FUMING and grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving.

“Look here I don’t know who you think you are but how DARE you insinuate that just because we’re gay it means we sleep around. I have not cheated and he has not cheated …”

“So YOU’RE the boyfriend? You sure you’re clean?”

“Yes I’m freakin clean for fucks sake. I could never cheat on him …”.

“Well then … let me take your blood pressure and temperature.” She wrapped the black cuff snuggly around his arm and frowned after she got the reading.

“142/84 … it’s higher than we’d like before an infusion …”

“Well gee I wonder why his pressure is so high. You wouldn’t know anything about THAT would you?” I barked sarcastically as she huffed taking his temperature before leading us into the infusion room.

The room was pretty full there were about 6-8 others sitting there. Some were with a friend or loved one while others were alone. Some were knitting or reading and one was fast asleep a puddle of drool on his chest. Adam sat down and another nurse walked over prepping his arm for the port. As she stuck the needle in his arm he quickly looked away meeting our eyes as he held my hand with his free arm tightly.

“Ah someone doesn’t like needles I see?” The nurse chucked at his reaction as she wiped away a bit of blood that had dripped down his arm.

“No … not at all. Can’t watch them go in, it freaks me out.”

“I’m done for now. I’ll be back around with your pre-meds in just a minute doll.”

“Pre-Meds?” Adam raised his eyebrow and the nurse’s face softened a bit.

“OH is it your first time?” He nodded and she gently patted his shoulder before continuing. “We give you a Benadryl to relax you and some stomach medicine to help combat the nausea that sometimes happens from the infusion. Might make you feel a little woozy which is why we always make sure you have someone to drive you home afterward. Sleep is the best thing you can get after an infusion the more the better.”

“Oh … ok.”

She smiled and walked away returning a minute later with a small white paper cup and a glass of water. Slowly he popped the pills into his mouth as the nurse went to retrieve the IV bag.  He looked me in the eyes trying so hard not to cry.

“My strong tough fighter … you CAN do this.”

“I love you …”

“And I love you baby … always will.”

His eyelids were growing a bit heavy as the medicine started to take hold a bit. After a few minutes the nurse returned and hooked up the IV bag. Soon the poison was flowing thru his veins. He wouldn’t let go of my hand it was absolutely adorable.

“You ok?”

“Yeah … just feels warm. I feel … sleepy.”

“Then close your eyes for a bit … I’ll stay here I won’t leave you.”

He moved his head toward me puckering his lips. I gently kissed them and then curled up next to him still holding his hand. As he slept I saw people looking at us but surprisingly not with sickened looks. They had smiles on their faces which was a welcome relief. It took 6 hours for the infusion but then he was able to leave. When he stood he got a little dizzy and gripped my arm tightly relying on me. One of the nurses saw and grabbed a wheelchair. He was going to refuse when another bout of dizziness hit him and he almost went down like a ton of bricks. He did however refuse to let anyone other than me wheel him out what a stubborn little shit. The nurse looked at me and chuckled.

“I see you have a stubborn one here.”

“Oh yes very much so.”

“Just watch him tonight and if he gets a fever of greater than 100.7 bring him back in.”

“Ok thank you.”

When we arrived back to the house he was still feeling dizzy but I managed to get him inside and into the downstairs bedroom. I helped him sit and rubbed his cheek.

“Want to get changed into your sweatpants?”

“Yes but … don’t have the energy.”

“It’s ok I’ll help you. I’ll be right back with everything just stay put.”

I quickly headed upstairs and retrieved a t-shirt and sweats from his dresser. When I went back downstairs he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking absolutely pitiful. Gently I took off his clothes and got him redressed.

“You want to sit up or lie down?”

“Sit up for a bit.”

I got him situated and moved the bed into a reclined sitting position. We were lucky to have an adjustable bed to help him out a bit if he wanted to sit but still be in bed.

I fluffed the pillows behind him and got him situated back on them again. “Anything else you need my love?”

“Yeah ….”

“What?”

“You …”

“Of course.”

I walked around and got on my side of the bed and cuddled up against him lightly brushing my fingers thru his hair. Before long he fell asleep still woozy from the meds. My phone started vibrating in my pocket so I quickly walked out of the room so it didn’t bother him. Traveling into the kitchen I finally answered the call which I realized was Leila.

_“Hello?”_

_“How’s Adam?”_

_“He’s doing pretty good … just tired and dizzy.”_

_“Is he sleeping?”_

_“Yeah I got him to fall asleep about an hour ago. He’s wanted me right next to him for the past two days. I’ve been giving him lots of extra love and attention.”_

_“Bless you Sauli … thank you for being there for him.”_

_“I love him Leila … I love him so much. I’d take his place in a heartbeat … if I could.”_ The tears had started to get me choked up and I let out a little sputter of a cough.

_“I know you would … I would do the same. I wish I could be there.”_

_“He understands that you’re busy … he doesn’t fault you for that.”_

_“Have you been to see your mom?”_

_“Yeah … she didn’t recognize me.”_

_“Oh honey … I’m so sorry.”_

_“Adam doesn’t know … I told him she was fine. Didn’t want him to worry about that too.”_

_“What did she do?”_

_“Started screaming and accusing me of stealing her son. She thinks I’m a little boy. The fear in her eyes … it broke my heart.”_

From the bedroom I could hear Adam calling for me.

_“Adam is awake he just called out to me. Do you want to talk to him quick?”_

_“Yeah sure.”_

I finished walking back in the room and saw Adam sitting upward looking at me with pitiful eyes.

“I’m here … your mom is on the phone. Do you feel up to saying hi?”

“Ok …”

I handed him the phone and he basically just repeated everything that I had told her about his condition. Then as soon as he hung up he gave me a big smile and opened up his arms. It was obvious that he was feeling a little bit better. He lightly pulled me on top of him and smiled at me.

“As long as I have you nothing else matters.”

He had slid his shirt off so I playfully was kissing at his chest making him giggle. Even with this long road ahead of him he was still my sweet lovable goofball.

“Have you been in to see your mom anymore?”

“No …”

“If you want to go see her while I’m getting chemo tomorrow you can. I’ll be ok by myself.”

I was avoiding his eye contact and he could tell that something was up. I really didn’t want to tell him … he didn’t need to worry about me when he had to worry about himself.

When I looked back in his eyes he was giving me his suspicious raised eyebrow look. “What aren’t you telling me Sauli?”

“She’s not good Adam. She didn’t recognize me when I was there. Flipped out and accused me of taking her son from her. She thinks I’m a little kid ….”

“Sauli … I’m sorry.” He put his hand on my cheek gently rubbing it as I nuzzled into his palm before gently kissing it.

“Don’t be … I should’ve expected it.”  

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. I don’t want to see you in pain …”

“You don’t want to see ME in pain … you actually did not just say that?!?  Baby it kills me knowing what you’re going to have to go thru, seeing you in pain. If I could take your place I would in a damn heartbeat …” Continuing was impossible because the tears came wet and heavy. He immediately clasped his arms around me holding me flush against his chest, my ears being soothed by the whooshing beating.

“And I’d feel the same way if it was you instead of me.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you worry love … I’ll be here to worry about you for a long time.”

“Hopefully forever … I really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Head over heels doesn’t even BEGIN to describe what I feel when you look at me.”

“Baby … you’re making me blush.”

“Good … it’s cute.”

I gazed up into his eyes giving him a love drunk smile and he answered by starting to kiss me. It was getting a little hot and heavy when suddenly he pushed me away and quickly got up stumbling into the bathroom where he started throwing up. What a reality check.


	16. Most Beautiful Gift

The next 10 weeks were some of the highest highs and the lowest of the lows. I was able to spend a bit of time with my mom pretending to be a volunteer visiting her to keep her company. As much as it killed me that she didn’t remember at least I was able to see her again. Adam was doing pretty good considering. He had his good days and his bad days but he kept a positive attitude throughout. He was my hero ... my inspiration. He had taught me in these few short weeks what true courage looked like. In the last week he had started to lose his hair in clumps so he had buzzed it all off. He looked so beautiful … so strong. His last day of chemo was the day before and surgery had been scheduled for the following Monday. Leila was in town so she had flown in all of Adam’s friends that could make it. The surgery was risky and there was a chance regardless how small, that he might not make it thru. So everyone that wanted to see him was encouraged to make the trip. I woke up Saturday morning on Adam’s bare chest his hand running lazily down my spine. I lifted my head up resting my chin on his chest greeting him with a smile.

“Mmmm Good morning Addy …”

“Good morning indeed …” He had taken to sleeping with a beanie on because his head would get cold in the middle of the night. I slid up my hands removing it and rubbing the smooth skin with my fingertips as he gave me a love drunk smile. “How can you make me feel so damn perfect just by being here? You’re something special baby.” He murmured kissing at my neck.

“How are you feeling today?”

“A little sore but I’ll manage. Come on let’s get downstairs everyone is supposed to be here for brunch today. I’ll bet they’re here already you know my mom won’t wake me.” I giggled and nodded. Leila refused to wake Adam or me if she was here on a day he didn’t get chemo knowing he needed his rest. She had offered me breaks in looking out for him saying I would get ‘burned out’ but I refused. There was no way I could get tired of being there for him. Adam appreciated that and there was never a day when he hadn’t told me how very grateful he was to have me. “I don’t know why she didn’t just have everyone come over for dinner instead.”

“We have plans for dinner … surprise plans.”

“OOHH I love surprises! Can I get a hint?”

“Nope.”

“PLEASE …” He pouted dramatically batting his eyelashes at me with puppy dog eyes which caused me to become a mess of giggles. God he was just the more perfect guy ever.

“Alright ok … it’s something for just the two of us, something special.”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah … like a date. I wanted to give you something beautiful because you deserve it. Because you’ve given me the most beautiful gift in the world and that’s being able to love you.”

“Sauli … come here.” Tears streamed down his face as he held me close. Then he pulled away holding my face in his hands eyes locked on mine.

“You are my most beautiful gift … I wouldn’t be able to do this without you. Come on let’s get downstairs.”

Arm in arm we went downstairs and found the whole living room and kitchen full with friends and some family. I mostly hung back letting him visit with everyone but once in a while he would come back to me just for a hug or a kiss. Just to know that I was still there. I met a lot more of his family and some more friends that had moved away before I had met him. The nerves over what was going to happen in just a few hours were starting to get to me. We had talked about marriage and we knew that it would happen, just a question of when. Leila actually came to me and gave her blessing for us to get married tonight. She even got ordained so she could officiate. She hired a yacht and paid for a firework show that we were going to watch from it after we were married. It was going to be a huge surprise for Adam … I just knew it was going to be magical. Everyone ended up staying WAY longer than we originally planned and I could tell that Adam was getting tired. Not that it was super obvious but I had learned to read him like the back of my hand. He was sitting across the room with Destiny, Morgan, Makenna, one of his aunts and a couple cousins when I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Are you feeling ok? You look tired …”

“I am …”

Everyone started apologizing and they allowed him to follow me back upstairs to the bedroom. Because he was over tired by the time he got to the top of the stairs he was pooped. I should’ve known that it would be too much for him … it was already 3:30pm and we were supposed to leave at 5pm.

“What time are we supposed to leave?”

“At 5pm … I’m sorry I’ve should’ve known better.” I frowned and he caressed my cheek giving me a heartbreaking smile.

“No … it’s ok Sauli. You worry too much.”

“I just don’t want you pushing yourself …”

“I’ll just lie down for a half hour or so and then I’ll use the shower chair to shower. It’ll be fine … I promise. What am I supposed to wear?”

“Something nice. I’m wearing black dress pants with a dress shirt and suit jacket.”

“What color?”

“Huh?” My eyes scrunched up in confusion at him. What the hell did he mean by that?

“What color shirt silly. I want to make sure mine matches … or at least doesn’t clash.” Immediately I started giggling … it was SO a typical Adam move.

“Only you … it’s a charcoal color. Now lie down and close your eyes for a few. I’ll go in with you and get you all fresh and clean.”

“You spoil me …”

He laid down and opened his arms pouting. He knew damn well I couldn’t resist his charms and it was only a moment until he had me snuggled close. After our shower I went to go get dressed my heart thumping in my chest like a jackrabbit. After buttoning up the dress shirt I went to work on my tie fiddling with it for what seemed like an eternity before I had it just right. There was a knock at the door and Leila entered giving me a once over with a smile.

“You look so handsome.”

“Thanks … I’m so nervous.”

“Don’t be … everything will work out just fine.”

She gave me a hug and could feel my heartbeat and made me sit down and drink some water before going to see if Adam needed any help. Before I knew it, it was 5pm. I walked out of my room and got to the top of the stairs. Adam was downstairs with Leila talking and he turned when he heard me. The smile on that boy’s face could’ve been seen from space. This was the first time he had ever seen me ‘dressed up’. He had ended up choosing a cream colored shirt with a charcoal tie and he looked drop dead GOREGEOUS. When I reached the bottom of the stairs he walked over giving me a kiss and wrapping his arms around me.

“You look amazing Sauli …”

“As do you … come on let’s get going I don’t want us to be late. Bye Leila.”

“Bye sweetheart I’ll see you both when you get home have fun.”

I walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek and a hug before Adam followed suit. She was going to drive herself there and sneak on the boat so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Before leaving I discretely checked for Adam’s ring in my pocket. Leila had gone to get my ring so it would be a surprise for me. They weren’t anything special but I figured they would do for now until we could both go to the store and get OUR rings. The ones that were perfect and just for us. The ride there was pretty quiet and Adam finally poked at my side playfully about halfway there.

“What’s the matter cat got your tongue?”

“Just a lot on my mind …. I want tonight to be perfect.” My foot slid a bit from nerves and I tightened my arm muscles. He noticed and rested his head on my shoulder blade his skin smooth and smelling of lavender vanilla.

“As long as we’re together that’s all that matters ok?”

“Ok …”

“So … are we going to have food where we’re going?”

“Yep tilapia and macaroni and cheese.”

He immediately got a huge smile on his face and started giggling remembering the first meal we cooked together and the events that followed. Before long we pulled up at the docks and he saw the HUGE yacht that was docked with twinkle lights lining the whole deck.

“Is THAT ours?”

“You got it. Come on …”

He smiled and he walked over to my side opening my door and linking arms with mine as we boarded. We were immediately escorted to the dining room and served our food on fine china which was enough to make us burst out laughing. We spent most of the dinner giggling at each other him holding my left hand lightly rubbing the back of it. When we finished I walked with him out to the deck him limping a bit.

“Pain?” I questioned lightly grabbing at his bicep the cool skin refreshing under my fingertips.

“Just a little …” There was a definite worry about how he would be doing this so seeing the pain deep in his eyes was exactly what I was afraid of. I knew it was a bad idea … I knew it would be way too much for him. Adam always chastised me for being overprotective but in all honesty how could I not be with a guy like him.

“Want me to get you a chair?

“No … I’ll be ok. Really Sauli … I promise.”

We walked over to the railing and leaned on it watching as we got further and further from the shore. I gently turned him so that we were looking at each other instead of the water.

“You know I love you right?” The six words in a relationship that always proceeded some sort of news … whether it be good or bad. Adam gave me a concerned look and rested his hand on top of mine that was griping the lacquered railing.

“Of course baby …”

“I really do not know how I lived without you. You’re the sun in my sky, the air that I breathe … the beat of my heart. You are perfect for me …”

“And you’re perfect for me.” His eyes were moist as I reached my hand up caressing his cheek. Even though he had been battered and bruised by the chemo he was still my perfect amazing Adam. Still the sweet soul who befriended a lost boy and showed him what it felt like to find true love.

“I have to ask you something.” My hand was hanging at my waist inches from my pocket that housed the ring box and my heart felt like it was doing the Macarena. Adam’s eyes were intently on mine feeling like he was boring a hole straight thru them. Now was as good a time as any. I slowly got down on one

knee holding out the ring box. “Will you marry me?” He stood there speechless and then just nodded. I paused a minute before continuing. “Will you marry me … now?”

“Now?”

I smiled gesturing behind him where Leila was approaching. He stood there with intense confusion on his face until Leila spoke.

“I got ordained so that I could officiate.”

Adam couldn’t keep his tears back when he hugged her and gave her a kiss her eyes moist with tears as well. Then he walked over hugging me kissing my forehead. Leila handed him the box that contained my ring and after retrieving it from the box, he clasped my hand and Leila began.

“I am here on this beautiful evening to join these two amazing young men in front of me in marriage. I am so undeniably proud of the man you’ve become Adam. You’ve shown me how to be strong and courageous. How to fight for what you believe in and never ever give up on those that you love. The two of you have reminded me what true love really looks like. I want you both to have the rights that you should. I want Sauli to be able to make medical decisions for you … I want you to grow old together. But most of all I want you to love and take care of each other. Adam Mitchel Lambert, do you take Sauli as your husband. To have and to hold, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?”

“I do …”

“And do you Sauli Eerik Koskinen take Adam as your husband. To have and to hold, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?”

“I do …”

“Then by the power vested in me I name you married.”

Adam kissed my lips and then lightly pressed our foreheads together.

“I love you so much Sauli …”

“I love you too.”

Leila gave us both hugs and kisses and then excused herself to below deck leaving us time to ourselves. I looked up to the upper deck and nodded cuing one of the boat hands to start the music so we could dance. Adam caught the motion and raised an eyebrow at me.

“I want to dance with you I promised you’d be my first.”

“It would be my honor my love.”

*When your legs don't work like they used to before. And I can't sweep you off of your feet. Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love? Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks? And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70. And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23. And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just the touch of a hand. Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day. And I just wanna tell you I am. So honey now. Take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. Place your head on my beating heart. I'm thinking out loud. That maybe we found love right where we are. When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades. And the crowds don't remember my name. When my hands don't play the strings the same way. I know you will still love me the same. 'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen. And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory. I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways  
Maybe it's all part of a plan. Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes. Hoping that you'll understand. But, baby, now. Take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. Place your head on my beating heart. Thinking out loud. That maybe we found love right where we are.   
So, baby, now. Take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart. I'm thinking out loud. That maybe we found love right where we are. Oh, baby, we found love right where we are. And we found love right where we are.*

Around and around we slowly danced and for those few precious moments we could forget the gravity of what awaited us in less than 36 hours. As much as I could tell that Adam was in pain he didn’t let it stop us. He wanted to dance with me more than anything in the world. Once the song was over I immediately brought over a chair letting him sit. Then I gently sat on his lap shifting most of my weight to his good side. He let out a sigh as I lightly peppered his ear and jawline with kisses turning into a pile of mush.

“You like?”

“Mmm feels … soo good.”

“I love you … my amazing husband.”

He gently took my face in his hands looking in my eyes with so much love … he looked so much at peace. “I can’t believe it … we’re actually married.”

“I know … it’s surreal isn’t it.”

The sounds of the fireworks started outside and since the chair Adam was on had wheels, I wheeled him out on the deck. In the middle of the display he pulled me onto his lap kissing me and taking a picture with the fireworks going off behind us. He then posted it with the changed status from dating to married on Facebook. We were curled up enjoying them when my cell phone buzzed from a text. I giggled reading it and showed Adam whose cheeks turned a bright pink.

_“Just so you know I got myself a hotel room for tonight. So have fun but be safe and take it easy alright?”_

_“Thank you Leila <3”_

The fireworks ended and we slowly made our way back to shore. In the car on the way back to the villa we pulled closed the divider that separated us. I straddled Adam’s lap one knee on either side as I passionately kissed him my hands snaked around to his back lightly caressing bare skin once I untucked his dress shirt. I slowly moved from his lips kissing and lightly nipping on his neck as he let out a small moan.

“You are amazing …”

“You’re the amazing one …”

The car pulled up at the house and we rushed past the driver thanking him. The lights were off at the house and we unlocked the door fiddling anxiously for the light switch so we could see. As soon as we did most of Adam’s relatives and all three of the girls jumped out yelling surprise. There were balloons and wedding decorations. We stood there in shock not actually believing that they were there. Adam’s Aunt Joan was the first to speak up.

“Adam where’s your mom?”

“She got a hotel room … so we could be alone for our wedding night.” He muttered semi annoyed putting emphasis on ‘ALONE’ hoping someone would pick up on it.

Makenna was the first to see Adam’s untucked shirt and flushed cheeks before turning bright red. Everyone in turn realized and they all apologized as they quickly shuffled past. His grandmother was one of the last ones and she had a perplexed questioning look on her face as she left. As we stood there waiting for everyone to drive away so we could lock up we heard her question his Aunt Joan.

“I love my grandson and Sauli too … I just don’t understand how the one penis fits in the other one.”

As soon as we heard it we couldn’t help bursting out laughing knowing they couldn’t hear. Everyone left so we made our way upstairs losing the frantic necessity that we had when we had walked in. He laid down feeling tired from climbing the stairs. As soon as he came home we’d be making the downstairs bedroom ‘OURS’ for the time being at least. I had gone to rinse my face and when I walked back in the room he was in his underwear grimacing as he touched his calf.

“Ok?”

“It hurts … really bad tonight.”

“I’m sorry it’s all my fault. I made you stay out too long.” Tears started to weld up in my eyes and Adam frowned not wanting to see me cry.

"No … don’t be. It was worth it …”

“We don’t have to … have sex.”

“I want to but … I don’t know if I can. The chemo it kills libido … I don’t think I can ... you know.”

I got closer and noticed how red and swollen the limb was. It was normal but I could tell even by sight how painful it had to be. Tears spilled down his cheeks as he looked at me ashamed and disappointed.

“No … no tears baby. It’s ok … everything will be ok. We’re married and that’s all that matters.”

Laying down on his good side I cuddled up against him and he pulled me in just holding me.

“You’re … an angel Sauli. I’m sorry …”

“No nothing to be sorry for Addy. Do you want a massage? I could go get some of that coconut lotion you love there’s some downstairs.” He nodded giving me a sad smile … what can I say the boy LOVED getting a massage.

“But who is going to give YOU a massage? You’re always neglected …” He murmured sadly still gripping at his leg.

“I don’t need one it’s ok. As long as you’re taken care of that’s all that matters to me.”

“I want to give you one …”

“And you will when you’re feeling better …”

“No … I mean now.”

Damn was he a stubborn one. I reached out gently rubbing his cheek. “Baby no I’m fine I don’t need one … really.”

“Hush …”

He placed a finger over my mouth and gave me his ‘drop it’ look. He got up walking over to my side of the bed and slid off my shirt gently kissing my chest up to my lips. He lightly bit down on the bottom one sliding his tongue along the edge of it.

“Where’s the lotion?”

“I’ll go get it …”

“No … I’ll get it. Isn’t there some of that vanilla stuff you like in the bathroom up here?”

There was this intensity radiating out of his pores that muted me so I just nodded. It was like he had stripped all my ability of speaking. He hobbled over to the bathroom and a few minutes later walked back in with the lotion. Squirting a little bit in his palm he started at my temples and slowly made his way down my whole body straight down to my toes. It was pretty much THE most amazing thing. Not that he hadn’t given me one before but this time it was all that more special. I was more than aroused and took my hand to my swelling dick as he walked back into bathroom to return the lotion. When he walked back in and saw me pumping furiously he let out a huff and walked over shoving my hand away. I was about to question what the hell he was doing when he leaned forward allowing the bed to aid in supporting him and took me in his mouth. Swallowing my length he ferociously bobbed on it like his life depended on it.

“Ahh Adam …. Fuckk soo good baby …”

He dragged his tongue circling the head drawing long agonizing moans from my mouth with made a devious smirk come to his face. He moved away smirking at me as he lazily dragged a finger along my shaft.

“I love it when you moan for me …” His voice low and husky making my blood boil.

Before I knew what was happening he maneuvered himself and slid himself down on my length causing a loud agonizing moan to come out of his mouth and mine.

“No … baby you’re going to … hurt yourself. Oh fuckkk …”

He slid down further causing me to grip the sheets to stop from being blinded by the sensations that were flooding my system. Adam just stayed there motionless and I knew he was hurting. I was trying to get my brain to let me move him off of me but it was like I was paralyzed.

Adam finally realized that this was not a good idea and slowly got off my leaking dick. “I have to lie down … I want you to … fuck me.”

“I don’t want to hurt you … and besides you can’t enjoy like … I can.”

“This isn’t about me … it’s about you. Please …”

He carefully got off me and after a few moments decided the easiest position was him on his stomach bent over leaning on the bed with his feet on the floor.

“You want me to …. get lube?” My legs were shaking and my breath was gasping with every erratic heartbeat.

“I lubed myself up … I’m ok.”

Shaking, I slowly entered him and tried to take it slow but soon I was thrusting away with reckless abandon at his insistence as he moaned and grunted beneath me. After a few minutes I came hard white goo dripping out of his puckered asshole as I panted trying to catch my breath. I carefully helped him back in bed as he winced … I didn’t know if it was his ass or his leg but it broke my heart.

“What hurts Addy?”

“I’m ok … really. Just come here …”

Tears spilled down his cheeks as he pulled me down on him our naked bodies snuggled together. He didn’t speak for a while the only sound in the room was his sniffled sobs. It was obvious that he was in a lot of pain and that killed me.

“You want a pain pill?”

He didn’t say anything just nodded rapidly. I quickly ran downstairs to get him a bottle of his Fiji water and then into the bathroom to get an oxycodone. He took it and about 15 minutes later he was out cold. As he slept I just sat there gently running my fingers along his scalp. He looked so perfect … so serene. After a while I tenderly kissed his perfect forehead and curled up next to him drifting off with my arm protectively around him.


	17. Movie Day

When I woke in the morning he was still asleep. At least the pain meds did a good job of getting him some much needed rest. I slid on my sweats and t-shirt before walking downstairs to make some coffee. As it was brewing the front door opened and Leila walked in.

“Hey Sauli. How is he?”

“Still sleeping. He took an oxycodone right before he went to sleep because he was in a lot of pain.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks and Leila walked over giving me a hug and holding me tight. “Why are you crying Sauli? It’s ok …”

“No it’s not … it’s my fault he was hurt. I didn’t want to do anything last night but he insisted … he was up and moving around too much yesterday. All because of me …”

“Oh sweetheart it’s not your fault. You know that boy he’s stubborn as hell. When he has his mind set on something there’s no changing it.”

“Boy do I love that about him though. I made a pot of coffee if you want some. I think it just finished brewing.” I grabbed my cup from the stand and took a long sip. The liquid warming my tongue and throat perfectly.

“Thanks I sure could use a cup. You going back upstairs?”

“Yeah I don’t want him moving around too much today. I want this last day before surgery to be a good day for him.”

“Thank you … for being there for him. He adores you and I’m so happy you both were able to get married. That’s going to ease his mind a bit. Less worries for him … and for you.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without him Leila … I really don’t.”

She gave me a sad smile and gently patted my arm as I clutched my coffee cup and started to head upstairs. When I walked in the room Adam was just stirring, the sunlight seeping thru the blinds dancing on his skin. He blinked sleepily until his eyes focused noticing me at the doorway.

“Mmm hello my … gorgeous husband.”

“Hi baby … how are you feeling?” I shortened the distance between us leaning down and giving him a kiss. Watching his face light up when I pulled away.

“Little woozy right now … those meds always mess with my … head. Pain wise … not worse than it normally is at least for now anyway.”

“So what does my hubby want to do today? We can do WHATEVER you want.”

“How about a movie day? We could curl up here and watch something funny. Just don’t want to go downstairs … don’t have the energy.”

I nodded putting on ‘The Hangover’ and snuggling with him leaning against the headboard. He had his arm around me and was lightly dragging his fingers thru my hair. In his arms I felt so at peace and with all the laughing it was easy to forget what was to come tomorrow. Before long Leila walked in the room with homemade pancakes which were Adam’s FAVORITE breakfast food.

“Hey baby you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Yeah … we’re watching The Hangover. I’m ok … just a little bit stiff.”

“Too much yesterday?”

He nodded and Leila gestured toward his leg asking to look at it. He swung his leg out from under the covers and she saw how swollen it was.

“You just stay up here in bed ok? Don’t be walking around on it too much.”

“Ok momma.”

She hesitated a moment just watching us as Adam started to eat the pancakes. I could tell she desperately wanted to spend some time with him as well. I leaned over kissing Adam’s forehead before getting off of the bed.

“I’m going to go downstairs and get some cereal or something. I’ll be back up a little bit later ok Adam?”

Leila frowned grabbing my arm. “No sweetheart stay here I’ll go get you something.”

“No Leila … it’s ok. The two of you just watch the movie while I’m downstairs ok?”

They both realized what I was trying to do and Adam grabbed my arm pulling me down on the bed on his left side. Then he gently got his mom to sit on his right.

“I can spend time with both of you ok? I want you to stay with me Sauli.”

“Ok …” He pulled me in again and cuddled me in close.

“I know you’re not a big breakfast eater but will you eat some pancake?”

I nodded and he proceeded to feed me bits of pancake as both Leila and I giggled. We spent the whole day as a family just watching movie after movie. It was about 6pm when Adam announced that he wanted to have a picnic out on the balcony. So Leila ran out to our favorite of the local restaurants to get take out and we set up a blanket and cushions so it wasn’t such a hard surface to sit on. We sat there for what seemed like forever in silence other than the little clashes of our silverware on the plates. As we sat there it proceeded to get dark and the stars were out so super bright. It was like the heavens decided to put on a show just for us. When we finished he scooted our cushions over to the wall and pulled me up against him covering us both with a blanket as we stared at the stars. He rested his head on my shoulder and began to sing to me ever so tenderly and softly. He had THE most beautiful voice and although rare, when he sang to me it was like pure magic.

*You’re in my arms and all the world is calm. The music playing on for only two. So close together and when I’m with you so close to feeling alive. A life goes by romantic dreams will stop. So I bid mine goodbye and never knew. So close was waiting, waiting here with you and now forever I know. All that I wanted to hold you so close. So close to reaching that famous happy end. Almost believing this was not pretend. Now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come. So far we are so close. How could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now. We’re so close to reaching that famous happy end. Almost believing this was not pretend. Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are. So close, so close and still so far.*

I just nuzzled up closer to him. Suddenly he carefully stood and looked down at me extending his arm. I ignored it and instead got up myself not wanting to make him pull me up. Once I was up he pushed play on his iPhone and music started playing. We ended up dancing around in circles for almost 30 minutes straight just content to be with each other … me giggling as he dipped me. We only stopped then because it started to rain. Instead of running inside though we spun around getting completely soaked. Laughter and smiles filled our faces and we stopped as I kissed his lips rain pelting our faces.

“We better go in …”

The next morning was an early morning. By the time I woke up at 8am Adam was already awake and downstairs sitting at the kitchen island with his mom. As I approached he was swigging from a glass of water since he wasn’t allowed to eat. I walked up behind him wrapping my arms around him.

“Morning babe …”

“Morning … what is all this?” I gestured to the small stack of paperwork that sat in front of him on the island. Some of it was filled out already and he was working on filling out another small stack.

“Some paperwork I had to sign this morning. Updated my will and changed you to beneficiary of my life insurance. Some stuff that I needed to change my status to married on before surgery.”

“Oh …”

“You’ll come with …. won’t you?” His blue eyes bright and questioning.

“Of course … I would never not go. You didn’t even have to ask.”

“Eat something ok? We have to leave in 30 minutes my surgery got bumped up to 11:30am.”     

He patted his good leg and I sat down on his good side and he slowly fed me some scrambled eggs and bacon as I rested up against him. The car ride to the hospital wasn’t a long one but it was filled with awkward silence. He was sitting next to me in the backseat and I just rested my hand on his thigh gently caressing until he placed his hand over mine holding it with a tight but trembling hold. He was frightened and it was an awful thing to see coming from my strong tough husband … from my protector. We walked into the hospital arm in arm me not wanting to let him go … and him not wanting to let me go. They took his information at the desk and directed us to sit in the waiting room that was filled to the brim with people. Both those waiting for their surgery slots and anxious family members waiting to hear the results. As I sat there staring at a piece of artwork on the wall, Adam rested his head on my shoulder. I reached up with that arm and started to massage his scalp with my fingers. His breathing and whole body relaxed, his head getting heavy on my shoulder but I didn’t dare move it. After about 20 minutes a young girl with a chestnut bob called for Adam to come back into the surgical holding area and he was only allowed to bring one person. He clung to my arm not wanting to be separated from me yet. He turned toward Leila who was sitting there trying to be strong for Adam’s sake.

“Mom … is it ok?”

“Of course Sauli belongs with you back there. Come here let me get a hug and kiss. I love you Adam and I’ll be in to see you as soon as you get into recovery.”

He walked over and leaned down giving her a kiss and hugging her tightly. They held on a few moments longer than normal before he pulled away and grabbed my arm as we followed the nurse thru the doorway and out of sight. They led him to a room and placed a chair at the head of his bed for me to sit on. For the next half hour they were in and out connecting IV’s and giving initial meds to start to make him sleepy. We weren’t really saying much but suddenly he grabbed my arm to get my attention.

“Sauli … promise me something? Promise me that no matter what happens …”

“Don’t talk like that … you’re going to make it thru this ok?”

“Please …. just listen. I want you to promise me that no matter what happens you’ll move on. I want you to find love again if it can’t be with me. I have a $250,000 life insurance policy and you’re the sole beneficiary and you get the money in my accounts. Both my savings and checking account. I don’t want you to be alone baby. You have given me so much. You are my strength Sauli … I was lost before you came into my life. Every morning when I see your smiling face it brings so much joy and peace to me. I’ve been so blessed to have been able to call you mine. If it’s my time I don’t want you to ever forget me ok?”

“How could I baby … you’re my everything Adam. I love you so very much … there isn’t a word to tell you how much I love you.” Tears came to my eyes and Adam just pulled me against him kissing my forehead. We were both frightened but I knew I had to be strong for his sake.

“I don’t want to leave you. Please don’t take me yet I can’t … I just can’t.”

He started crying so hard that he was actually trembling. I sat on the end of the bed and snuggled up against him so he could feel my heartbeat. Slowly I dragged my fingers up and down his chest and soon his body relaxed and his eyes grew heavy. The doctor came in ready to take him back to the OR.

“As soon as you get into recovery I’ll be there. You are so strong Adam … you’re my hero.”

I kissed those perfect plump lips of his and rubbed his cheek tenderly. His eyes were filled with fear and I just wanted to take that away from him. I got up off the bed and he grabbed my hand. I brought it to my lips kissing it before they started to wheel the bed away breaking our touch.

“Together?” His voice barely audible over the squeaking bed wheels.

“Together baby … I promise.”

I watched until they wheeled him thru a set of double doors and disappeared behind them. Walking back out into that waiting room was the hardest walk of my life. As soon as I got out into the waiting room and saw Leila I immediately started crying. She wrapped her arms around me and started rubbing my back. I then noticed the tears flowing down her cheeks as well.

“How was he back there?”

“Scared … told me that in case something happens he wants me to move on. Like that would ever be possible … I’d never find anyone else like him.”

“It’s going to be 4-6 hours why don’t you go see your mom. Might help take your mind off things for a bit.”

“Yeah … might as well I can’t do anything here but worry. Call me if anything happens ok?”

She nodded and I made my way up to my mom’s floor. When I got there I was greeted by my mom’s nurse Brenda.

“Hi Sauli. Has anyone called you about your mom?”

“No … what about her?” For a moment however brief it felt as though my heart stopped but as soon as a smile crossed Brenda’s face I knew that it couldn’t be bad news.

“We’ve begun to see some progress with her. The tumors are shrinking and she’s been a lot more like normal lately. Still sleeps a lot but it’s a good thing.”

“Oh that’s good …” As exciting as the news was it was impossible to feel excitement at a time like it. Impossible to feel joy above the immense worry. Brenda noticed and gently rubbed my arm.

“Is everything ok hun?”

“No … not really. My husband is currently in surgery to have his leg amputated … osteosarcoma.”

“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I didn’t know you were married?”

“Yeah 2 days ago … wanted to be married before all this happened. He wanted me to be able to make medical decisions on his behalf should the need arise.”

“Well that’s a beautiful thing Sauli. Congratulations and I’m praying for a speedy recovery for him. Try to stay strong for his sake ok?”

She gave me a sad smile and gently patted my shoulder before walking off to go visit her other patients. There were exactly 35 steps to her room from the main desk. Hell I practically had them memorized by now. When I walked into the room she was sleeping but her color was so much better with a rosy tone instead of the ashen one. Even the temperature of her skin was so much warmer. Maybe she would be able to come out of this? I just sat there holding her hand rubbing the back of it soothingly. Knowing she was sleeping I started talking to her not caring to play the part of a hospital volunteer. Days like today I just wanted to have my mom back … I NEEDED my mom back.

“Today is a hard day Momma. Adam is really sick … osteosarcoma. They have to amputate his leg today Momma and we don’t know … I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared for him … and I just don’t know what to do.”

Tears fell and I just leaned my head down on the bed sobbing. Soon I felt her hand gently running thru my hair like she always used to do. Slightly in shock I lifted up my head to see her looking at me. She lifted her hand and gently used it to brush the tears away that were streaming down my face.

“Don’t cry baby …”

“Momma?!?”

I gently wrapped my arms around her and kissed her forehead. She gently patted my back.

“I missed you Sauli … they said I didn’t know you. I’m so sorry … I can’t imagine. Why are you crying you seem so sad?”

“Adam’s really sick momma … he’s in surgery right now.”

“Sick?!?” Worry filled her face and she stiffened up a bit. The two of them had really developed a bond in such a short time and it was a beautiful thing to see.

“Osteosarcoma … he’s having surgery to amputate his leg. He has good odds for the surgery but there always is that chance you know? He’s scared and it breaks my heart to see my protector that way. We got married 2 days ago Momma …”

“You did?!? Oh baby I’m so happy for you both … oh how I wish I could’ve been there.”

“He wanted us to be married before this. He wanted me to be able to make medical decisions on his behalf should the need arise. It’s amazing to be married to him … it’s everything I could’ve dreamed of and more.

“He’s going to get thru this … he’s too stubborn.”

“That he is but god I love him for it.” I could tell she was still exhausted and gently rubbed her cheek. “You sleep momma … you look exhausted.”

“But you’re here …”

“You’ve given me so much already today … you need your rest. I love you …”

“And I love you my Sauli. Always …”

As soon as she fell back asleep I began pacing back and forth in her room as the seconds dragged on. About an hour later I remembered my cell had no service in the hospital so I quickly returned to the surgical waiting room. Leila was sitting there in the corner looking at an old People magazine. When she realized I was back she put the magazine down.

“How was your mom today?”

“Amazing … she knew who I was. We were actually having a conversation. She’s just so tired though … had to let her sleep more. Told her about Adam and she’s praying for him …”

I sat down and clenched my arms together tears flowing and feeling so helpless. Leila was sitting on a 2 person couch and patted the seat next to her. I walked over and she put her arm around me holding me close. It was enough to relax the both of us a little bit at least.


	18. Welcome Home

It was another 5 hours until they called my name. Leila immediately got up following us back into a separate room to speak with the surgeon. Leila held my hand tightly as we sat waiting for the surgeon to come in. When he did I took a deep breath praying for the best.

“The surgery went well. We were able to amputate below the knee which will make it a little easier to adjust to a prosthesis. Of course there is always a risk of infection so he’ll be here in the hospital for 10-14 days.”

“Can we both go see him?” Leila questioned her eyes full of optimistic hope.

“He’s in recovery right now so only one of you can go see him there. He’s still pretty out of it and he’ll probably be there about 1 ½ - 2 hours. If you like I can lead you back to where he is?”

I paused a moment knowing that it was only fair for me to let Leila go back to see him. “Go ahead Leila I went back with him before surgery … you can go now.”

“Are you sure sweetheart?”

“Yeah he deserves to see his mom. Just tell him I’ll be in to see him when he gets a room … tell him I love him.” The surgeon saw my tears and wedding band and lightly grabbed my arm.

“Come on … you can come to. If anyone says anything tell them I said it was ok. He’s in a separate room so they probably won’t.”

“Thank you … it means a lot.”

We closely followed the surgeon past the communal recovery room to the private rooms in the back. When we walked in he had his eyes closed and Leila walked over as I was held back to sign a form making me the designated medical contact. As I was finishing up I heard this groggy but clear as day “ _Sauli_ ” coming from the bed. I shuffled over and smiled seeing him awake. Kissing his perfect lips thankful that we was brought back to me.

“Hey handsome … how are you feeling?”

“Tired …” His eyelids fluttered sleepily and he winced as he moved a bit.  

“You sleep … that’s the best thing for you right now.”

“I just … want you.”

“I’m right here ok? I’m right here …” He grabbed my hand as I stood there keeping watch over him and drifted off it still clamped in his hand. Leila smiled at me and slid a chair over so I could sit there while he held it.

“You two are absolutely adorable … the connection you share is something special. You should be thankful for it.”

“I am … I so am.”

Gently, I raised his hand kissing it then holding it against my cheek. It smelled like antiseptic but it was warm and it was him. Even now after the amputation he was still perfect to me. The next 2 weeks dragged on Adam being his normal impatient self. He wanted to get home he hated being there. Leila had gotten all the therapy stuff he would need and hired a private therapist and nurse so that he wouldn’t have to go to an impatient rehab after the hospital. I was in to visit all the time. I had planned to just stay there but he wouldn’t let me. As much as he wanted me there, that’s how much he made me keep my distance. He was having a hard time dealing with the amputation and he wouldn’t even let me see. Usually when I went in Leila was with me but she had left to go out of the country for a month the night before so it was just me. I was just getting ready to call our driver to take me to the hospital when the front door unlocked and in walked the driver rolling Adam in his wheelchair. He was wearing baggy sweatpants them just hanging from the stump.

“This is a surprise … welcome home baby.”

“Thanks Sauli … where’s my mom?”

“She had to leave last night for London. She won’t be back till next month.”

“Oh … she didn’t say she was leaving.”

The driver nodded at me before heading out leaving me to take care of Adam. I leaned down in front of him rubbing his cheek.

“Where do you want to go bedroom or living room?”

“Living Room …”

He was acting so cold and reserved … I was definitely not used to this side of him and truth be told it burned a bit. I maneuvered the wheelchair into the living room and went to help him transfer to the couch.

“No … I got it …”

Using his good left side he was able to stand up and turn in such a way that he could sit. His movements were very slow and calculated but he was able to accomplish it himself.

“Want me to make you something to eat for lunch?”

“No … ate before I left the hospital.”

I slowly sat down next to him and gently grabbed his hand. He allowed the touch and hesitantly grabbed mine back.

“What’s wrong Adam?”

“Nothing … I’m fine.” He pulled his hand away from mine directing his attention to one of the nearby walls.

“I know something is wrong. I thought we were supposed to tell each other everything. You act like you don’t want me near you.”

“Well maybe I don’t …” His words were short and full of bitterness and my heart shattered with his response. I bit down on my lip so hard the crimson liquid glided across the smooth surface begging to be licked up. Tears flirted with my eyelashes so badly wanting to stay but needing to break free. He saw the color drain out of my face. He saw it all but didn’t say anything.

“I’m going to start on the salad for dinner … yell if you need me.”

As I chopped up the ingredients the tears fell on the cutting board like little liquid bullets. He must’ve been able to hear me because the next thing I knew he was wheeling himself into the kitchen.

“Sauli I … I’m sorry. You don’t deserve me anymore … that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I feel like I’m trapping you to be with me and you don’t need to be with someone who is damaged. You deserve someone perfect.” He was so down about himself … it was terrible to see that. To know that he hated himself that badly.

“I already have someone who is perfect. Addy … why can’t you see that. This amputation means nothing to me. I don’t just love you for your looks … I love you for your heart and your beautiful spirit. How shallow would I be to think less of you for this?!? You are beautiful … you are perfect … and you are mine ok?” I walked a few feet over to where he was and gently kissed him rubbing his cheek. Tears had made wet spots on them.

“You are the one who is perfect … I’m sorry Sauli I shouldn’t have been so cold to you. Thank you for accepting me ….”

“There was never a question baby … you’re mine for the long run ok? You just tell me what you need me to help you with and I’m there.”

He nodded and gave me a smile … boy was it nice seeing him smile again.

“What do you want to eat tonight? I’ll make you whatever you want.”

“Fried chicken and macaroni and cheese.”

“Good choice babe.”

After dinner Adam had started to get sleepy the pains meds finally getting to him. We were sitting on the couch and I looked over to see him fast asleep. I had started doing strength training as soon as we found out about the surgery so I knew I’d be able to carry him. Gently I was able to pick him up without waking him and quietly transfer him into the bedroom. As soon as he hit the bed he instinctively snuggled against the pillow. He was soon joined by me snuggled against him as soon as I retrieved the wheelchair and set it next to the bed. A few minutes later he woke up confused.

“How did I get here?”

“I brought you in … you fell asleep.”

“Thank you baby ….”

“You’re welcome. Go ahead and get some sleep.”

“Come here?” He patted his chest and I hesitated … I didn’t want to hurt him. “It’s ok … It doesn’t hurt that bad really.”

“Ok …”

Gently I slid over to him and snuggled on his chest careful to distribute my weight more to his left than his right.

“You’re not hurting me … it’s ok. I missed this … I missed being able to hold you.”

“It’s only been 2 weeks Addy …”

“To me it felt like an eternity …”

With that he peacefully drifted off with this warm glow about him. He looked perfect and it didn’t take long for me to drift off in those arms. When I woke up in the morning I was still curled up there and Adam was rubbing my back. I lifted up a bit smiling at the morning glow on his cheeks.

“Good morning my amazing husband.”

“Good morning indeed baby. How are you feeling?”

“A little stiff …this damn medication makes my muscles so stiff when I first wake up it’s awful.”

“I can always give you a massage?” It was hard to miss the little sparkle in his eyes at the word ‘massage’ or the heartbreaking smile that crossed his face. He was too precious …

“That would be amazing babe … can’t use lotion though. My first therapy session is today at 2pm so we still have 2 hours.” He gave me a coy smile and I giggled lightly kissing his lips.

Carefully I got up and slid off his shirt massaging his chest and arms all the way down to his fingertips. Then his neck and snaked up to the sides of his face and forehead. Then I moved back down to the waistband of his sweats. I looked up at him waiting for permission and he reached down and slowly pulled them off. I started on his left leg massaging down into the toes and then looked over at his stump seeing it for the first time.

“Do you want me to … or does it hurt too badly?”

“No it’s ok … go ahead.” Gently I started at his hip and massaged down to the top of the bandages. Then I gently placed a kiss above them. “I love you … so god damn much. You’re so damn perfect …”

“Awe shucks babe I try …”

He was really ticklish on his sides and I quickly poked at them with my fingers as he dissolved into a fit of giggles. Then I started butterfly kissing around his belly button which only made him laugh harder.

“Sauliiii stoppp …”

“Nope I got you now Lambert.”

Suddenly the door opened and the therapist walked in immediately backing up embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry … I should’ve called first. Your mother gave me a key …”

“It’s ok we gotta get this one stronger.”

“That’s what we’re going to try to do. How are you feeling Adam?”

“I’m ok now … was a little stiff so Sauli gave me a massage.”

The therapist smiled making a notation on her clipboard. “That’s good we encourage massages to stimulate blood flow. In fact I usually do them daily as part of the routine but if you’re willing to Sauli then that’s great. Have you been wearing your compression stocking?”

“Yes … I hate that damn thing.” He scrunched up his face in annoyance. He always said that it was more uncomfortable to have it on then to leave it off.

“I know it’s annoying but it will help reduce swelling and make it easier to transition to a prosthesis later on. Have you tried one yet?”

“No they wanted to give it another week or so to heal and let the swelling go down first.”

“I see they measured you and ordered it already which is very good. How well are you able to move your limb? I’m assuming they worked on movement exercises with you at the hospital? Show me what you can do.” He was able to move the limb in all directions including up and down which seemed to impress the therapist greatly. She wrote down some stuff on her chart and nodded. “Are you able to transfer to a wheelchair without support from others?”

“Yes as long as I have something to lean on.”

She gestured for him to show her and moved away from the bed. He carefully got out of bed and scooted along the nightstand with his right arm before carefully sitting in the wheelchair. The therapist seemed even more pleased with this.

“How many days are you post-surgery again?”

“17 days as of today”

“This is phenomenal … I can tell you’re a fighter. Has the nurse been in yet today to change your bandage?”

“No she’s supposed to come at 3:30pm.”

“We just might be able to start tomorrow having you try a simple prosthetic if she gives the go ahead. It’s just a temporary one that’s good for the training portion … mostly just standing for a limited time and walking short distances. For now I’ll take you in the other room and we can do some exercises with weights to bring your core strength up.”

He wheeled himself into the other room at his insistence and they were gone for about 45 minutes. The nurse had called to say she was coming early and as soon as he wheeled himself into the bedroom she arrived. She directed him to lie down and slowly took off the compression sock.

“They’ve told you to wash this daily correct?”

“Yes …”

“Let me see what we have going on under these bandages. Do you want him to leave the room first?” She gestured toward me and Adam immediately shook his head no.

“No … he’s my husband he can stay.”

She finally unwrapped the bandage all the way and smiled seeing that the wound was pretty much healed.

“Wow it looks really good even the swelling seems to be down. I think you can start with a prosthetic now instead of having to wait. I don’t think I’ll even need to come every day now. Do you feel comfortable wrapping this Adam … or maybe your husband?”

 “Sauli would you be ok doing it?”

“Of course … as long as I know how I’m happy to.”

She spent the next 20 minutes showing me exactly what do to. From washing the stump and patting it dry to wrapping is tight enough but not TOO tight with bandages. She then stood there while I practiced. It didn’t take long for me to have it down pat.

“This is like second nature to you.”

“I’ll do anything for this guy right here. He means the world to me …”

“You both have a very special bond. Do you have any more questions for me Adam?”

“So I’m good to start with a prosthetic tomorrow correct?”

“Yep I’ll send over clearance to your doctor and therapist. We’ll have you up and walking in no time. I’ll be in at least once a week to check in and make sure everything is ok. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to give me a call 24/7.”


	19. First Steps & Saying Goodbye

Adam was SO excited for his therapy session the next day. He was like a little boy on Christmas Eve it was SOO cute. The therapist was going to be there at 10am so we set the alarm for 8:15am. I was woken up to Adam kissing at my neck. Luckily I had been able to get decent sleep because it was only 7:45am.

“Can’t sleep huh?”

“No … too excited.”

I let out a loud yawn and Adam playfully got on top of me pinning me down to the bed.

“Addy …”

“What … I’m not doing anything …” The innocent look he gave me as he started peppering my jawline and neck with kisses was enough to make me giggle. He stopped and just stared into my eyes before snuggling close on my chest as I lazily dragged my fingers along his spine. “I love this …”

“Me too baby … me too.”

“I can’t wait to get back home. This cold is hell I want my Cali warmth. Thought I could do this next round of chemo there. Said something to my oncologist when I saw him last time. He was going to figure out a plan. He wanted me to be stable on my prosthesis first and to heal. Imagine sitting out and tanning on the deck … curling up in the theater and making out.”

“I don’t think we’ve ever watched a full movie in there EVER.”

“Nope …” He busted out in a fit of giggles this beautiful glow on his cheeks.

“You’ll be able to see all your friends again …”

“Yeah. I miss the girls didn’t really get to spend time with them when they came.”

“Have you talked to Marcus?”

“He sent me a message on FB to see how I made out with the surgery but not really other than that.”

“If you want to talk to him you can. It’s ok Adam … don’t not talk to him on my account.”

“No not after the way he treated you the night of the dance. I don’t need him in my life if all he’s going to do is bring you down. You don’t deserve it and I won’t stand for it. I have other friends that support you … that support us. That’s all I need.”

There was some peach fuzz starting to grow on his head and it tickled my fingers as I gently massaged his scalp. I relaxed him so much that he ended up falling asleep for another 30 minutes. There was no way I was going to though, I was too busy enjoying his weight on my chest and the steady rise and fall of his body. The way his breath brushed my cheek when he breathed outward. My iPad started beeping with a FaceTime alert so I carefully reached over grabbing it. It only took a moment and then my mom popped up on the screen. The nursing staff had an iPad they would let patients use to communicate with family. I put my finger up to my mouth in a ‘shhh’ motion and then angled the iPad down so she could see Adam’s sleeping body nestled on my chest. The smile that appeared on her face was so sweet.

“Oh he’s home?!? How is he feeling?”

“Yeah came home yesterday … he didn’t sleep well. He’s able to try on his prosthesis for the first time today so he’s all excited. I was able to get him to fall asleep about 30 minutes ago. He’s doing pretty good … he’s a tough cookie that’s for sure.

Even with my muffled talking Adam started to stir. He stayed face down on my chest trying to block the sunlight that was bathing the room in amber light from his eyes.

“Who are you talking to?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?”

It took a moment but he finally got his eyes adjusted and looked over at the iPad. When he saw that it was my mom the joy on his face was something special.

“Hi Emma! But how … you sneak you never told me.”

“I found out the day of your surgery … actually I went to see her while you were in surgery.”

“How are you feeling Emma?”

“A little tired ... how are YOU?”

“I’m ok … little dizzy from the meds but other than that I’m feeling pretty good. They were able to amputate below the knee which makes it easier to adjust. Actually get to try out a prosthesis for the first time today. I’m really excited.”

“You’re going to do amazing Adam. Sauli tells me that you got married.”

“Yeah … we did.” He gave me a heartwarming smile and then reached up to give me a kiss. My mom looked on so proud of us … so proud that we were together and in love.

“I’m really happy for you both … you deserve each other. Tell me about how he proposed.”

“It was 2 days before my surgery and Sauli rented a yacht and we went there for dinner. As we were in the bay he proposed and asked if I would want to get married right there and then. My mom officiated and it was just perfect …” He could tell the proposal story 1,000 times and never tire of it … so adorable.

“And the fireworks display too.”

“Oh yes then I was so tired after and Sauli wheeled me out to the deck on a rolling chair and we had this beautiful fireworks display. It was amazing and soo perfect …”

“It sounds wonderful … so perfect for you both.”

“We better go momma the therapist will be here in a little over an hour. I’ll be in to see you sometime soon ok?”

She nodded kissing her hand and putting it to the screen. “I love you both soo much.”

“Love you too Emma.”

“Love you too Momma.”

We ended the FaceTime call and Adam had turned so that he was laying on his stomach on my chest. Instead of getting up he just stayed put.

“This feels so good … just being here.”

“You can stay as long as you want …”

“Don’t say that … I might never leave.” He gave me a coy smile before running his fingers thru my hair. How could he make something as simple as this so damn perfect?

“If you let me up I’ll go make us some breakfast.”

“Ok fineee.” He playfully sulked and carefully rolled off me onto the bed at my side. Before I could walk away he pulled me down and gave me a kiss. His lips were so warm and soft. After he pulled away I just stood there for a minute staring at him. “What …. Is it my hair or something?”

“No … you’re beautiful. I could just stare at you for hours and never tire of it.”

“Aww shucks babe … you make me feel so special.”

“You ARE special. What does my baby want for breakfast?”

“I’ll just have toast or something. I’m not really hungry. The meds tend to take away a bit of my appetite in the mornings.”

“Are you sure? How about I make you an egg sandwich? You need to keep your strength up and it’s not good to take your meds on an empty stomach.”

“Ok go ahead …”

“Egg and sausage or egg and bacon?”

“Can I have your sausage?” He whispered huskily just wanting to get a rise out of me.

“Adam!!!” He sat there in a fit of laughter as I smacked him with a pillow. I shook my head and walked out of the room. I was almost at the kitchen when I heard him yell ‘bacon’ to answer my question.

It only took a few minutes before I returned into the bedroom carrying a tray with both of our sandwiches on it. He was sitting on top of the covers dressed having grabbed his change of clothes from the nightstand. We sat there quickly eating our sandwiches and the therapist came in just as we were finishing.

“Hi Adam I have good news for you. Look was just came in this morning?!?”

She presented this fancy prosthetic in front of her and it was obvious this wasn’t the ‘training’ prosthesis she was talking about the day before.

“Is that mine?” His face lit up with excitement like a 5 year old on Christmas morning.

“It sure is. I brought it to leave here and I also brought the training prosthetic for you to practice standing. Are you ready?”

Adam nodded and squeezed my hand. I could tell he was nervous but super excited at the same time. She came over and showed Adam what to do to prep the stump for the prosthetic mainly putting on a sock and liner. Then she clicked the training one into place bringing a walker in front of him for him to stand. I was standing right in front of him when he shakily stood clutching the walker a bit until he got his bearings.

“How does it feel?”

“Weird …”

“Does it hurt?”

“Not really hurt but it’s a little tender.”

“That’s to be expected. Sit here in the wheelchair and we’ll take you to the therapy equipment so that we can try some things.” I moved the wheelchair so that he could pivot and sit. Of course he insisted that I wheel him and not the therapist … stubborn bugger that he was. When we got there the therapist directed me to place him in the chair at the end of the parallel bars. “Do you feel up to trying a couple steps?”

“I can try …”

He made me go right in front of him as he stood mirroring in reverse what he did for me when I was relearning how to walk. He stood up and grabbed onto the bars. Slowly he started taking baby steps as I backed up little by little. The bars were only about 4 feet long and surprisingly he was able to make it to the end of them. It took him awhile but it was something special and it left me with tears in my eyes. When he reached me he slowly moved one arm at a time till he was leaning on me and then once he felt steady, wrapped his arms tightly around me hugging me.

“Don’t cry Sauli …”

“I’m sorry … I’m just so proud of you. You’re so strong … and brave.” He kissed me and smoothed back my hair completely disregarding the fact that the therapist was right there. He was getting tired from standing so he grabbed the bars again and walked the few extra steps before sitting back down in the wheelchair.

“So how did that feel?”

“Great … just really tired me.”

“You’ll just need to take it day by day. You’ll be getting around like your old self in no time at all. You’re a fighter I can see it.”

It was about a week later when he was able to finally use HIS prosthetic. It fit perfectly and Adam was able to walk in it pretty damn well with a walker or cane. He was progressing so fast he wanted his independence back so badly. It was a Monday morning and we were planning to sleep in because the therapist was only coming every other day now. She gave the ok for Adam to practice with the prosthetic around the house just not to overdo it to start off. I was starting to wake up but still drowsy I hadn’t opened my eyes yet. I could feel the wind and got really confused. When I opened them I found Adam and me curled up on the porch swing with the wheelchair right in front and his cane propped against it.

“Huh? How did I get here?”

“I brought you …”

I immediately tensed sitting upward giving him a ‘what the hell are you crazy’ look. “What?!? Adam you could’ve gotten hurt are you crazy?!?”

“I’m fine chill. I slid you into the wheelchair and just held onto that to wheel you out I was fine. You were sleeping so soundly I couldn’t bear to wake you. It’s such a beautiful day.”

“Any day I’m with you is beautiful …”

“I want to dance with you …”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes please …”

I stood up and extended my arm to him to use to steady himself as he stood. Then he grabbed me and we slowly slow danced in a circle in our own little world. We heard the sliding door open and Leila walked outside with a huge smile on her face. Adam saw and the joy on his face was something special.

“I thought you wouldn’t be home for another 2 weeks?!?”

“I have to go to the lawyer to get some paperwork filed so I thought I would make a side trip and come see how you were doing. You’re dancing already?!?”

“This one here gives me a lot of strength. With him I feel like I can conquer the world.”

“I know but just take it easy ok? Let me get a hug from you both.” She rushed over and brought us into a group hug her perfume littering the air with its fragrant aroma.

Using his cane he was able to slowly walk back inside and sit down on the couch. He was doing so amazing and while his gait was slow it was still a miracle. He pulled me down on his lap and I just snuggled up against him … he was so perfect. The doctor had put him on a low dose chemo pill and he was doing MUCH better with that then he was when he had to go for infusions at the clinic. Still got tired and felt off but nowhere to the extent as the first time around.

“Let’s go see your mom …”

“Really? You sure?”

“Yeah … I think I’m ready. I’ll wear this but I’ll take my crutches in case I get tired.”

We called up the driver and when he arrived we gave Leila hugs and headed out. Adam was nervous … he didn’t want people to stare at him because of his funny gait. I just gently rubbed his head placing a kiss to the side of it as we traveled. When we arrived he reached down and grabbed his beanie adjusting it on his head. Slowly he got out of the car with my help and we slowly walked up to the 5th floor. When we arrived Brenda saw me a mess of giggles with Adam and had this stone serious look to her face. The kind of look you get when something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

“Brenda … what’s wrong?” The laughter faded on my face and I looked at her with immense confusion.

“Didn’t … anyone call you?”

“Call me for what?”

She led us into a side room that was stoked with tissues and a small table with a few chairs. Immediately I knew what she was going to say before she said it. As the words “ _she’s gone_ ” broke the silence I clenched my body heaving choked sobs coming from the deepest deep of my gut. I couldn’t get air … I couldn’t hear or see. In that room I lost a piece of me I would never get back. When some of my senses finally returned I realized that Adam was holding me tightly against his chest as I let out these god awful cries of pure agony. I just wanted this to all be some sick joke but it wasn’t …. I would never see my mother ever again. I wanted to know what happened but that was beyond what I could vocalize at the moment. I later found out she knew she was dying when we had that FaceTime call. She knew that the cancer had returned and spread to all her major organs … that she had a few weeks at the most but probably not even that. She signed paperwork to have her body immediately sent for cremation. I would never get to see her again … that FaceTime call was our last conversation. It was really hard not having her there I pretty much closed up. I would help Adam out and talk to him but barely. I wasn’t my sunny happy self anymore. 


	20. Whirlwind Of Emotions

Adam was able to get around without the cane unless he was having a bad day from the chemo so we moved back to Los Angeles about a month later. It was our first night back and I found myself outside in the garden on the porch swing. Adam must’ve been searching for me because he looked panicked when he finally saw me out there.

“There you are. I couldn’t find you … I was getting worried.”

“Sorry …” My sneaker scratched at the dirt below me shifting it so there was a little pile in front of me.

“Weather sure is beautiful huh? Can I come over there with you?”

I nodded and soon he was seated next to me on the swing. I hadn’t really initiated physical contact with him up to this point. If he wanted to hold me or kiss me I’d let him but I wasn’t the one asking for it. So when I used my head to start to bury myself under his arm he gave me a small smile before lifting his arm the rest of the way.

“I love you Adam … I’m sorry. You don’t deserve me being cold to you”

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. You have a reason to be … it’s ok.”

Being next to him right then was not enough so I adjusted myself so I was sitting on his lap my chest right against his chest breathing in his scent. Feeling his heartbeat against me I calmed down immediately melting against him. Wanting to feel loved … needing to feel loved. I looked up at him and as I stared into his eyes I couldn’t help but give him a small smile.

“There’s my baby … your mom wouldn’t want you to be upset like this. She would want you to be happy and to remember the good times.

“I know … it’s just so hard.” I choked back a sob and Adam lovingly shushed me snuggling me in close.

“It’s not going to be easy but you have me and you have my mom. You know she adores you and would do anything for you. Plus you have the girls here and my family.”

“I know …” As I sat there I noticed Adam’s breathing was a little hesitant like he was in pain. “Am I hurting you?”

“No … no it’s not you. I just don’t feel well right now …”

“What’s wrong?!?”

“My blood count was off because of the chemo meds I had to have a blood transfusion last night before we left. Just having a bit of a reaction from it … they said it’s normal.”

I used the back of my hand to feel his forehead and realized he was burning up. Immediately I got up and gently grabbed his hand.

“Come on … let’s get you in bed.” He was so weak all of a sudden he could barely move. I ended up lifting him in a bridal carry and carrying him into the bedroom. After helping him get changed I got him all covered up in bed sitting next to him caressing his face. My poor baby … “Do we need to call the nurse?”

“No … they said this would be normal as long as it doesn’t go past 103.4 or last for more than 24 hours.”

“You need anything?”

“My husband …”

“And I’m right here baby … I promise.”

It was the day/night from hell with his fever spiking up to about 103.2. I ended up calling the nurse about 2am because he was getting chills so bad. When she arrived she checked him over and was asking me some questions.

“When did he have the transfusion?“

“Two nights ago I guess.”

“So he had it here?”

“No in Boston before we left.” She has been writing on her clipboard but immediately stopped looking up at me in shock.

“Wait … so he got a transfusion and then flew here in the span of 12 hours?!? The doctor signed off on him leaving?!?”

“Well yeah … the doctor knew when we were leaving. He told us to wear masks on the plane and immediately wash all the clothes we had with us but other than that.”

“He should’ve NEVER flown that soon after a transfusion it’s WAY too easy for him to get really sick really fast when he’s counts are that off.”

“Is this just a reaction or something else?”

“It’s more than likely just a reaction to the transfusion. He wouldn’t have shown symptoms that soon if it was sickness from the plane. Just make sure he’s hydrated and be there for him.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I stared at him curled up under layers of blankets. His color was so pale and it was terrible to see. It reminded me of my mom. The nurse looked at me with a look of empathy and rubbed my arm.

“I’m sorry … I just lost my mom to cancer very recently and it’s just really hard to see him like this.”

“If the fever doesn’t go down in the next 8 hours or if he goes any higher just take him to the ER to be on the safe side ok? He’ll be ok Sauli …”

As soon as she left I went and got him a huge glass of ice cold raspberry tea, his favorite. As I walked over he sleepily opened his eyes as I angled the straw toward his mouth.

“Here drink some raspberry tea.”

“Mmm … my favorite …” He sipped from the straw for a few seconds and then released it from his lips. As I caressed his cheek he blinked at me sleepily.

“You’ll be ok baby … you just rest ok? I’ll stay right here with you.”

The next 12 hours I spent doting on him hand and foot. About 6pm his fever FINALLY broke and he was able to eat a little bit of soup I made sitting up on the bed after he finished. He was worn out but he didn’t want me to see. Unfortunately for him I could read him like a book.

“My poor baby …”

“I’m ok … really Sauli.”

“You don’t have to pretend for me Addy … you know I can read you like a book. You just rest here and your baby will take care of you don’t you worry.”

“You spoil me.”

I ended up curling up next to him and watching a couple movies before I passed out curled up on his chest. When I woke up in the morning he was sweating underneath me and shivering. My hand immediately went up to his head and I jumped us as soon as I felt the heat against my hand. Once I read the 104.5 on the thermometer I immediately had us on our way to the ER. They admitted him and put him on IV fluids while they ran bloodwork to check his levels. I was hoping they wouldn’t have to switch him from oral chemo back to infusions. They determined that it was just a chemo side effect and his levels looked halfway decent. They were just going to keep him overnight to keep an eye on him. He looked so frail and delicate again and it broke my heart. It was breaking me down little by little. Since all this started it seemed as though I had aged 10 years. The next 10 months was a whirlwind of emotions as he went into and out of the hospital more times than I could count for one thing or another. I was worn down emotionally and physically. But I tried my best to be strong for Adam’s sake. He was the one going thru everything after all. He could tell though and I could see how terrible he felt. A week before he had his big cancer doctor meeting. He got a shitload of scans and tests to see if there were any cancer cells. I was out in the backyard laying stones for the border of our soon to be pond to keep myself busy. We had pretty much been shut-ins the whole time because I was afraid to pick up any germs and pass them on to Adam or have him get sick from being out. So the backyard was pretty much the extent of my outside time other than doctor’s appointments or hospital visits. I heard the sliding door open but I didn’t pay attention as I continued placing the stone slabs. After a few moments I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked backward. Adam was standing there with this weird look on his face.

“What’s wrong?!?”

“I just got a call back from the doctor’s office … I’m NEC.”

“Baby that’s great!!!” He lifted me up and I wrapped myself around him so that my weight was better evenly distributed. As I looked back into his eyes he gave me the most loving look in the universe.

“You have no idea how much you mean to me. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have been able to get thru this. You were my rock and I know how hard this was for you. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I could never baby … I would never. So what do you have to do now?”

“The next 18 months are the telling point. There’s a 50% chance it could come back. After that the odds of me staying cancer free are MUCH better.”

He walked a few feet over sitting on one of the chairs as my weight had begun to get too much for him to hold. I snuggled up against him kissing at his neck. He arched it backward allowing me access to more flesh. I ever so lightly took skin in my teeth leaving little nips as he cooed beneath me. We hadn’t really had sex or anything because he had been so weak and tired from the meds. He had been off them for a week now so he had started to get a little feistier with me even though he had still been anxious about the test results. But now I could see his crazy side start peeking out and it made me chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

“Shhh …” I kissed up his jawline and to his ears peppering them with kisses before lightly sucking on his earlobe … one of the things that drove him crazy.

“Sauli, soo good …. Fuck.”

“What … you like?” I gave him a seductive smirk and met our lips together in passionate kisses. Tongues hot and heavy probing our mouth cavities. Heavy breaths and over sensitive flesh needing … begging. My hands slid under the bottom of his shirt breaking away so I could pull it over his head. He tore mine off as well and started kissing at my neck driving me absolutely insane. I wanted more than this … I NEEDED more than this it had been way too long.

“Do you … wanna go … inside?”

“We could right here …”

“But what if someone … sees?” I squeaked in protest before he brought his lips to mine roughly mashing them together.

“Then they’ll get a show … and a sexy steamy one I might add.” In one swift motion he tossed a couple of the cushions to the floor and then grabbed me pinning me down on them. He held my arms down forcefully and growled at me. “I’m going to make you my prey … and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

I tried to move and he only tightened his grip. He grabbed some rope we had tied around a table for decoration purposes and used it to tie my hands behind my back. He forcefully removed my belt and bent it over itself so it was doubled. He slid off my pants and flipped me over on my stomach dragging the cool leather across my bare ass cheeks. He pulled back the belt and gave me a good whack as I let out a moan. The whacks continued getting harder and harder as I moaned in pain and pleasure my cock bulging beneath me pressed into the cushions below. Fingers assaulted my asshole plunging covering in ice cold lube. I pressed my face into the cushions to muffle the moans to the best of my ability as he inserted a 3rd and then 4th finger. It didn’t take long for me to realize what he was doing as I felt my hole being stretched again. I tightened up my ass muscles and Adam lightly rubbed my ass with his free hand.

“Relax Sauli … just relax.”

“It’s too big … no … you can’t. AHHH …”

His fist slipped inward and I laid there panting moaning a mess of pain and pleasure. He started to pump his fist and I was like jelly. I knew I was getting close and he did too as he increased the intensity and speed of his thrusts. I moaned and shot my load out on the cushions panting and gasping for air. He removed his fist as my hole throbbed from its intense stretching. Lovingly he released my arms from the rope and slowly turned me over sliding on my pants before curling up on top of me. I looked up at him in a post orgasmic haze and just closed my eyes as I tried to steady my breathing. It didn’t take long until I felt his hand dragging thru my hair lightly caressing my scalp. As soon as my breathing stabilized, he rolled onto his back bringing me with him so I was resting on his chest. He protectively wrapped his arms around me holding me with the gentlest touch he possibly could. I snuggled into his chest synchronizing our breathing slowly becoming one. It was a beautiful thing to experience. Lightly I left tender kisses on his chest.

“You’re perfect …”

“So are you Addy … that was crazy.”

“Did you like?”

“I’m not answering that …” I smirked up at him and as he looked back at me I blushed as he giggled.

“Oh so you ARE into kinky shit …”

“You’re the one who initiated mister so what does that say about you …”

“You were so fucking sexy pinned here submissive. Your ass clenched around my fist and those moans god damn …”

“Want me to reciprocate …?”

“Damn … yess …”

“Turn over and behave … or do I have to tie you up?”

“Mmm tie me up baby … I’ve been a bad bad boy.” He growled full of lust. He wanted me and he wanted me NOW. I paused a moment looking at him with a protective glance … I didn’t want to hurt him. His face softened from his intense stare and he reached up caressing my cheek. “It’s ok Sauli … you can be rough I want this. I want you to be rough with me … I want to feel blinding pleasurable pain. I want to give myself to you … I trust you.”

He reached up and kissed me before laying back down vulnerably giving himself to me. For someone as dominate as Adam it was something special when he gave the opportunity to take control. This was going to be the first time he allowed me to restrain him so this was a huge deal. I removed the prosthesis so it was out of the way before tying up his hands behind his back. The fire in his eyes was full of primal want as I roughly held him down meeting our mouths in passionate kisses. I pulled back a little letting my tongue trace his lips slowly kissing my way down to his neck. Biting skin and immediately licking the overstimulated flesh. His breathing deepened and he moved a bit trying to take control forgetting for a moment that his hands were tied. I gave him a devilish smirk my chin to his chest.

“You would have me pinned right now wouldn’t you, you dirty boy. You’d have me on my back fucking the hell out of my ass me moaning oh yes harder baby … fuck me!!! You want to tear up my asshole don’t you!?! You like pounding into me as I lay there … spilling your hot seed into my ass!?!” I roughly squeezed at his cock thru his jean fabric and he hissed out a moan. I kept it clenched in my hand has he stared up at me panting using the back of my hand to swat at it as he moaned again. “Answer me!!”

He nodded rapidly instead of answering, completely stripped of any ability to talk. I grinned at him and leaned down lightly taking a nipple in my teeth flicking it with my tongue as he writhed beneath me letting out a mess of incoherent babbles. After a few minutes he moaned out at me.

“If you … don’t stop … I’m gonna cum before you even … fist me.”

“Shhh …”

Lightly I put a finger to his lips as I removed his jeans. As I slid them down his cock sprang up to meet me glistening with precum and rock hard … the hormones they had him on to fix what the chemo did had worked apparently. I licked my lips hungrily wanting nothing else than to suck him dry. Before flipping him over I teasingly dragged my tongue along his shaft causing him to yell out again.

“Fucking … Christ ….”

I roughly turned him onto his stomach grabbed a glob of lube in my hand. Slowly I inserted 1 finger slowly curling it inside of him as he moaned … god he was tight.

“You’re so … tight I’m going to have to fuck you first. Get you all stretched and ready …”

Spreading the lube inside his hole before I plunged in as he groaned. I knew just how to drive him crazy with long agonizing strokes followed by short pounding ones I had him in the palm of my hand.

“Sauli .... I’m gonna … cum …”

I reached underneath him grabbed a strong hold on his cock as he yelped.

“No! No cumming until I say so. I think I fucked you long enough got your stretching started. I think I’ll have to go get the dildos to stretch you more … they’re bigger than me. I’ll be right back …” I quickly walked inside knowing there was nobody there, and retrieved our box of sex toys from our bedroom. When I returned back outside I found Adam fingering his ass. He saw me and immediately stopped whimpering. “No touching! Let’s see if you can take this one yet.”

I grabbed out a yellow dildo that was about a half inch thicker than I was. Generously applying lube to it I slowly inserted it into his ass.

“Oh fuck! So …. big …” He whined as it sunk deep into his ass stretching him wide. With every stroke he cried out in pleasure begging for me to go just a little bit deeper.

After thrusting with that dildo for a while I pulled it out and lubed my hand back up.

“I think you ass is all stretched out and ready for my fist to pound it.”

I inserted my pointer finger and slowly stroked the anal wall lightly stretching it. The noises he was making from me even doing this were nothing I had heard before. After a few minutes I inserted my middle finger holding the two of them together curling and thrusting inside him. Then I inserted my ring finger. When I usually fingered him I only used 2 so when the third slipped in he went crazy arching his ass up to me. My pinky slid in easily and then it was time for my thumb. I grouped all my fingers together in a thin bunch and slowly slid them all in.

“Oh … fuck … Sauli … fist me …. “

“You dirty dirty boy … you want me to spread you wide and fuck you with my fist. Make you scream my name …”

I slowly extended my fingers away from each other stretching him a bit more. After doing that a few times I removed them before flipping him on his back and slowly started inserting my fist. As I got to the knuckles he let out this spine tingling moaning yell and in one quick movement I sunk in the rest of the way.

“So fucking … good Sauli …. Fuckkk”

“Cum for me … you dirty boy … cum for me!”

I thrusted my fist roughly inside him while I took his cock in my mouth taking him in deep. Furiously bobbing as I assaulted his asshole. It only took a minute before he moaned and shot his hot sticky load down the back of my throat. I held my lips tightly on his cock as I pulled away taking every last drop from it. Slowly I removed my fist staring at his stretched puckering asshole. My hands immediately dragged up his body lovingly before uniting his hands. He didn’t move at first, his body still recovering from his intense orgasm. But as soon as his breathing regulated he gently pulled me down on his chest the both of us completely naked as he gently rubbed my back. I lovingly stared up at him and when he noticed he gave me a tired smile and smoothed back my sex rumpled hair.

“That was fucking amazing …” He said still exhausted.

“You like?”

“Not like baby, love … hot damn.”

“Now who’s the kinky one?!?”

He blushed beat red as I giggled and reached up lightly pressing our lips together. He was perfect and he was all mine. It seemed as though we laid there forever but in all actuality it was only about 30 minutes until we decided we should get dressed and head inside. I lovingly grabbed his prosthesis gently reattaching it to his stump as he gave me a love drunk smile before we both got dressed. We hadn’t eaten yet so Adam went to make us something to eat while I curled up on the couch cushions. He finished and walked over setting the tray on the coffee table before laying on top of me as I giggled.

“Addy the food will get cold.”

“You’re perfect you know that right?”

“Only when you tell me.”

He stared at me for a moment and then kissed my forehead before getting up and sitting so I could join him in eating.

We had just started when there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it babe … you just stay here.”

He smiled as I gently ruffled his hair before heading over to the doorway. 


	21. You're Safe Now

When I opened it a police officer stood there and immediately my heart dropped. Did somebody hear us … or worse did someone see?!?

“Hi officer … how can I help you?”

“Is this the Lambert residence?”

“Yes it is.” Come on Sauli keep your calm if you act like nothing happened then maybe everything will work out.

“Can I come in to chat?”

“Um sure …”

I held the door open as he walked in and then I led him into the living room area. You couldn’t see the doorway from where Adam was so he was turned toward the doorway curious to see who was there. When he saw the cop the color drained from his face. I motioned for him to sit on the chair opposite where Adam was and then took a seat next to Adam.

“So which one of you is Adam and which one of you is Sauli.”

“I’m Adam and he’s Sauli.”

“You both know Jessica Comer … correct?”

“Yeah we know Jessie … why?” My eyes widened with concern. I hadn’t spoken to her in a good 3-4 months.

“I regret to inform you that she passed last Friday.”

“Oh my god what happened?!?” Adam immediately started crying from the shock of it all. How could she be gone? She was so young.

“Her fiancé locked her in their bedroom and set their house on fire before killing himself.”

“What about the baby was he ok?!?”

“Yes they are fine. That’s actually what I’m here about. In Ms. Comer’s will she stated that if something were to happen to her she wanted the both of you to get custody of the kids.”

“Wait kids as in more than one?” Adam questioned just as confused as I was. Since when did she have another kid?

“Yes sir … a 2 year old boy and a 2 ½ month old little girl.”  

“She wanted US to have custody of them? What happens if they don’t come here?”

“Yes she apparently has no family. They will become custody of the state and most likely be placed in foster care separately. They’re currently with their aunt on their father’s side but she can’t keep them.”

“This is just so much at once I … we …” It was impossible to talk without stumbling over my words. How could we make a decision like this so quickly?!?

“I know this is a lot to process but we need to get them in a stable home environment ASAP. Can you both come down to the station with me right now so we can sign them over to you?” Adam looked at me with this deer in headlights look and I didn’t know what to think. On one hand we couldn’t imagine having these poor babies grow up never knowing each other after losing their mother but at the same time at 20 how are we going to raise 2 babies?!? The officer could sense our reservations and spoke up. “We can place them in your custody for a month and see how things work out. If things aren’t going well we could always go from there?”

We both nodded and followed the officer over to the police station. We had to fill out some paperwork and then we were led into a small room where they were waiting with their Aunt. Poor Ezra was curled up in the corner looking so frightened. When he heard my voice he peered out from behind the line of chairs looking right at me. I thought he might recognize me because I had FaceTimed with Jessie quite a bit while I was in Boston with Adam. I knelt down and as soon as I did he came running over to me and buried himself in my chest. I held him close lightly rubbing his back. “Ezzy it’s ok … Sauli is here it’s ok.”

“Momma …”

“I miss her too Ezzy …” I kissed his sweet little forehead and Adam walked over and lightly rubbed his back.

“Hey buddy … I haven’t seen you for so long. You got so big. You come here?”

Adam held out his arms and after hesitating a moment he went over to Adam. Their Aunt was holding this tiny little angel in a pink blanket so I walked over to her.

“And who is this little angel?”

“This is Avery Grace …” She gently handed the princess over to me and she opened her eyes looking up at me.

“Hi baby girl … you’re so pretty you look just like your momma.”

She cooed at me and the officer came in handing us our copies of the paperwork before giving us the few bags of belongings that Jessie had taken to the Aunt’s house with the kids and their car seats. We headed out to the car and got both of them settled in the backseat after some help from their Aunt. On the drive home I was just floored and totally panicked. What the hell were we going to do we didn’t know how to raise kids!?! We were about halfway home when Avery started screaming in the backseat which promptly made Ezra start crying. Adam was driving and pulled over into a Taco Bell parking lot so that I could go back there to check on them. Turns out little miss had simply lost her paci and Ezra was apparently just crying because he was overly tired. It was already going on 8:30pm when we FINALLY got home. I set up the pack and play and put a sleeping Ezra in there and then got out the portable bassinet and placed Avery in it. They would have to do at least for the night. My stomach grumbled and it was then I remembered that we hadn’t eaten and our food still sat on the tray in the living room. When I walked back in there I noticed that Adam had apparently reheated our food and brought it back in the room with two glasses of wine.

“I bet you’re hungry too … are they both sleeping?”

“Yeah … thanks. Yep they’re both out cold. Addy what are we going to do?”

“It’ll take time but maybe we can do this? We always talked about wanting kids …”

“Yeah in the future … WAY in the future.” I wrung my hands in nervousness feeling more than uncomfortable in our current situation.

“I can’t imagine them going into foster care. Especially to be placed separately never knowing each other. That’s terrible to even think about.”

“I know … and I just feel so sick over what happened.”

“I wish she would’ve told us how bad things were. Did you even know about Avery?”

“No and I just talked to her not too long ago.”

We both sat mostly in silence after that finishing up our dinner and wine. We were going to put on a movie when Avery woke up crying. Boy were we in for a rude awakening. The next month was really REALLY rough for me. Adam took to being a ‘father’ like a duck to water and both the kids ADORED him. It was much harder for me. I went from me being Adam’s one and only to him putting the kids before me. He was always so tired by the time the kids were in bed from running around with them all day that I most of the time ended up falling asleep in the living room alone after watching too much tv once he was out cold. I did stuff with/for the kids too don’t get me wrong but they got along much better with Adam. He was the only one who could get Ezra to sleep. We had furnished rooms for each of them so they were more at home and I did love them. It just hurt to feel like Adam couldn’t care less about me anymore. I woke up after falling asleep in our bed for once to find Adam not there. I looked at the clock to see it was 9:30am so I figured he was already up with the kids. First I walked into Avery’s room and saw her crib was empty, as was Erza’s bed. Walking downstairs I started to worry a bit …. Where the hell was he?

“Adam where are you?”

The car was missing from the garage so then I realized he must’ve taken the kids somewhere. How could he go somewhere and not at least leave a note for me? I plucked my phone from the charging station in the kitchen and quick sent him a text.

_“Where are you?”_

It took about 10 minutes but my phone ‘dinged’ with a reply text.

_“Oh you’re up? Took the kids down to the zoo they had free admission if you came before 8am.”_

_“Why didn’t you wake me I would’ve gone? You could’ve at least left a note. Isn’t the state person coming today for the follow-up?”_

_“I’m sorry I meant to leave one and then I forgot. Figured we’d be back before you got up anyway and I knew you didn’t fall asleep till almost 3am. No they did a phone interview the other day instead of coming.”_

I let out a loud huff … how the hell could he do a phone interview with them and not include me?!?

_“And what was said in this phone interview?”_

_“They asked how things were going and I said they were great. They said they’d send some paperwork to make the adoption final.”_

_“Wow … really Adam!?!”_

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Oh absolutely fucking nothing. I’m going the fuck out i’ll be back when I get back don’t worry about me.”_

I turned off my phone so I didn’t get any more texts and took a speedy shower. I figured he might head home after reading the text so I wanted to get out of there before he did. Haphazardly I shoved some clothes and toiletries into a small suitcase and went downstairs grabbing a breakfast bar on the way out. As I was leaving I passed Adam on our street. He realized and tried to follow me but I sped up losing him. I knew he wouldn’t drive crazy with the kids in the car. There was a semi cheap hotel on the outskirts of LA that was really nice so I made my way over there booking 2 nights on my credit card. I curled up on the bed and immediately buried myself under the covers feeling completely sorry for myself. I pulled out my phone and ignored the text notifications … all 9 of them. My finger scrolled over until it landed on the youtube icon where I pulled up a video for ‘Say Something’ and posted it on my Facebook with #Truth. Almost immediately there were comments of concern and then the private messages started asking what happened. I ignored them and then Adam FB messaged me.

_Please talk to me … please?_

I opened the message but didn’t say anything. I knew that he’d see the ‘seen message at …’ but I didn’t care. A moment later he messaged me again.

_Please at least let me know that you’re somewhere safe?_

I hesitated a moment wondering if I should answer or not but I decided to answer him. Unlike him I didn’t like making him worry about me.

_Yes._

_I love you Sauli …_

_Yeah ok sure …_

_I do!_

_Look just leave me alone ok? I just wanna be left alone …_

_Please let me come to where you are … Desi said she’d come watch the kids._

I ignored him and logged off FB heading down to the bar. I sat down and the bartender walked over … god he was gorgeous.

“What can I get you?”

“Give me some of the strongest shit you have.”

He put some kind of liquor in a glass and I chugged it wiping my mouth with the back of my hand after motioning for another which I immediately brought to my lips.

“Damn that bad …” He leaned down in front of me giving me his full attention which was easy seeing as I was the only one there.

“My husband is a dick …”

“Husband eh? How long have you been married?”

“About a year and a half. Things have gotten really bad the last month or so.”

“Well I’m happy to give you something to take your mind off him …” He caressed my arm and even with my slight buzz I pulled away from his touch.

“No thanks … I’m good.”

He pulled away and started making me another drink.

“A guy as handsome as you can do SO much better I’m sure. You don’t deserve to feel this down.”

“Well thanks … I guess.”

I drank the final drink and after sitting there about 15 minutes decided it was time to go back up to my room. I was feeling pretty shitty so it took a moment but then I started to make my way up. The elevator was out of service so I had to go to the stairwell and climb 3 flights of stairs. I was about halfway up when everything started getting dizzy and it felt as though my body was locking up. Then all of a sudden the bartender was there carrying me the rest of the way. He grabbed the room key from my pocket and after checking it headed to the room. I was conscious internally of what was going on but I had no means of communicating out loud or stopping anything. It was like I was frozen inside my own body. He unlocked the room and walked inside. He brought me to the bed and roughly threw me on it fumbling with my belt.

“NOBODY turns me down and I mean NOBODY! Bet your wondering why you can’t move … Rohypnol is some pretty potent shit huh?” He threw my belt and jeans to the floor before tearing off my underwear. “Mmmm and he has a nice dick too. Let’s see that ass because I can just tell you’re a bottom. I bet that husband of yours fucks the shit out of it. Bet he’s not as big as me though ….”

He removed his clothes and in one swift move slammed into me raw. Thrusting away like his very life depended on it. I could feel something seeping out my ass and I prayed it was just his precum. His hands squeezed at my sides as he pounded leaving purple marks etched into my flesh. Nails leaving red scratches as if just to prove something. After what seemed like hours of torture he finally came pulling out with bright red streaks on his softening cock. Upon seeing that he punched me in the face.

“What kind of fucking bottom are you!?! No good ugly fucking cum dump!” He grabbed at my phone and chuckled after staring at it a moment. “This is classic you have one of those alert apps HAHAHA! You know what, I’m gonna do you a favor and send out an alert. Your husband can come see how a real man fucks you.”

He opened the app and held down the alert button as it beeped loudly 3 times in succession to confirm. Both Adam and I had downloaded it while we were in Boston in case he needed me and I wasn’t right there with him. I had meant to delete it when we got home but then never did. The guy quick washed the blood off his cock and got dressed before walking over and roughly grabbing my face so I was looking him in the eyes with my glassed expression.

“It was a pleasure … really it was.”

He left me naked on the bed, a bruised bloodied mess I just laid there with unblinking eyes just waiting. It was only about 30 minutes later when I could hear Adam outside the door with security. He walked in and immediately hurried over gasping at what he saw. The guard called 911 as Adam walked over gently caressing my forehead.

“Baby what happened?!?!?”

I just looked at him wishing I could talk or do something. I was scared and as mad at him as I was I just wanted him. He turned on the light to see me better and it was then he saw the pool of blood beneath me. It was then that the tears started and that was pretty much the last thing I remembered as I blacked out. When I woke up I was cold and alone in a small hospital room. Panicked I looked around but couldn’t find anyone. I was just about ready to hit the call button when Adam walked into the room. I was still really woozy but at least I had semi gotten back movement even though I was weakened and in a lot of pain. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I let out wretched sobs. I had never felt so violated in my life.

“Shhh take it easy … you’re safe.” I tried to talk but it just came out a mumbled jumble. “It’s ok don’t try to talk right now. We’ll have plenty of time to talk once this wears off ok?

I reached up my hand and gently rubbed his cheek with my thumb if only just to thank him for saving me. He gently sat next to me and I tried to move closer to him but just didn’t have the energy. He gently took me and held me close protecting me.

“I’m sorry I hurt you Sauli … I love you so damn much. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

His cries killed me but I was so tired and groggy that I couldn’t do anything before I fell into a deep sleep once more. When I woke up I was curled up on the bed in our downstairs bedroom. As I yawned the door opened and Adam stood there in the doorway.

“Feeling better?”

“I’m fine …” In reality my whole body felt like someone had hit me with a semi-truck but I was too mad at him to admit that to him. 

“I made some breakfast for you if you feel up to eating?” He slowly walked over and placed the tray in front of me hesitating at the side of the bed for a moment afterward not wanting to sit if I didn’t want him to. I tried to lift my arms to eat but I felt like someone had shot me in them. Adam’s face filled with empathy and sadness. “They said you’ll probably be weak and in pain for at least a couple days. You want me to help?”

“I guess …”

He sat down next to me and slowly started feeding me. I finished and he just stared at me a moment frowning. I just looked at him with broken eyes just feeling completely dead and gone. I could tell he just wanted to hold me and make me feel better but he was afraid to. Truth be told I didn’t know if I even wanted him to do that.

“Don’t you have to leave?” I sighed looking at the clock.

“What do you mean leave?”

“Shouldn’t they be waking up from their naps?”

“Oh no … my mom flew in and took them to a hotel for a few days. Give you time to recuperate in quiet. Sauli can we talk? Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” His eyes were full of concern and it annoyed me a bit. How could he be that oblivious to not know what he was doing to hurt me?

“It’s just … since they’ve been here it’s like I don’t exist. We used to cuddle before bed and now I’m lucky if I get a quick kiss on the forehead on your way back up after getting a glass of water. I know you’re tired I get that … but dammit I matter too. You spend all your time with them and you freeze me out … you don’t even include me. You have no idea how … alone I feel. You say that everything is perfect and it’s not … it feels like you don’t even love me … anymore.”

Tears streamed down my face as the words seeped out laced with bitterness. He immediately opened his arms and brought me into his chest.

“I guess I was trying to be this ‘perfect parent’ and forgot how to be the perfect husband. That wasn’t fair of me Sauli … I’m sorry. We don’t have to do this we can call the case worker and tell her that things just aren’t working out.”

“No … I just … I don’t want that. I just want to spend time with you too. I want them to feel like OUR kids and not just YOURS. But they hate me …”

“They don’t hate you Sauli … Ezzy ADORES you.”

“But he’ll only go to sleep for you …”

“That’s because he knows I sing to him …”

I frowned a bit because up until now I was the only one he’d sing for. I couldn’t even remember the last time he had sung to me. Probably on the balcony before his surgery. Luckily he didn’t see it though.

“Did they catch the guy that … attacked me?”

“Yeah. It was like he wanted to be caught leaving his finger prints all over your phone like that. Plus they were able to collect his DNA from …” Even without saying it I knew what he meant. The pain in my ass reminded me every damn time I breathed too deeply.

“He was the bartender at the hotel bar. Downed a couple drinks and he said seemed like I was upset and times were hard. Said that I was fighting with my husband and he offered to have sex with me to take my mind off you. I refused and he … didn’t take it too well.”

“You’re safe now … I won’t let anything happen to you again. I promise I’ll make time for you I won’t hurt you again. Together?”

“Together Addy …”


	22. I Really Fucked Up

****4 Years Later****

I sat in the town square drinking a cup of coffee completely ignoring the world around me. For the most part I pretty much kept to myself … it was for the best or so I thought. Finishing the last couple sips, I chucked the cup into a nearby trashcan and started to walk down toward the shopping area and the small clothes boutique I was working at. I unlocked the door and walked inside wiping my boots on the doormat before resuming my post at the register. I was straightening up a bit in the back, when I heard the doorbell chime and multiple voices enter the shop. I could tell one was male and there was at least one child with him but it sounded more like 2. Walking back out into the shop I was as shocked to see who it was as the guy was to see me.

“I didn’t know you worked here? It’s so good to see you Sauli.”

He clasped my hand in his shaking it and I couldn’t help but notice the wedding band on his finger. I wanted him to be happy above anything but to say it didn’t hurt would be a lie.

“Good to see you as well Adam. Oh my goodness are these the kids? They got soo big!”

“Sure did. Avery … Ezra this is Sauli he’s an old friend of daddy’s can you say hello?”

“Hello …” Ezra murmured softly still apparently the shy little guy he was the last time I saw him.

“Hi! I really like your scarves over there they’re SOO pretty.” Avery was the complete opposite of Ezra precocious and bubbly as she bounded around in front of me like a baby deer prancing in a meadow. It was hard not to giggle watching her.

“You do? Go ahead and pick your favorite and you may have it.”

“Really?!? Oh wow!”

“If you want me to pay I can …” He reached for his wallet and I grabbed his arm shaking my head.

“No don’t worry about it. It’s ok she deserves it …”

I just looked at them imagining how different my life would be if the fighting hadn’t driven us apart. It had just come to a point where I couldn’t take the extra responsibility or stress. They didn’t need to grow up around that. It was a few moments before I realized that Adam had said something to me. I snapped myself out of my daydream and brought my attention back to him.

“Sorry … what did you say?” Adam had a cheeky smile on his face … he could tell I was in a whole other world.

“How are things?”

“Ok … no sense in complaining. Rent a room from a friend of mine downtown and work here mostly every day for at least a couple of hours. How are you?”

“Good. These two keep me on my toes but they’re a lot of fun too. Got married 4 months ago.”

“That’s great … I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks …”

He just kinda tapered off and looked almost sad. If the kids weren’t there I would’ve questioned it but I figured it wasn’t my place anymore to do so. That inane urge to protect him was still just as strong as ever surprisingly.

“How about your mom how is she?”

“Good she actually lives out in NYC most of the time now. She has 5 restaurants in the city so she figured she’d put down roots there.”

Just then Avery walked over modeling this purple damask pattern scarf wrapped dramatically around her neck. She was such a little diva fashionista already it was cute.

“Daddy isn’t it PERFECT!?!”

“You look BEAUTIFUL. Tell Sauli thank you.”

“Thank you SOO much.”

She immediately came behind the counter and hugged my legs. I put an arm behind her and lightly patted her back before the door chiming interrupted us. She saw who walked in and took off to him. He scooped her up and then greeted Adam with a kiss.

“I didn’t think you’d make it over this way before we left. Ty this is Sauli … Sauli this is my husband Tyler.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise …” The way he looked at me with this terrible glare shook me to the bone and made me immediately uncomfortable. He knew who I was and he didn’t like that Adam and the kids were there AT ALL. “Come on let’s go …”

“Papa look what Sauli gave me!” She gestured to the scarf around her neck and he responded by yanking it off her.

“You put it back right now!!”

“But daddy he …”

“No buts you go put it over on the counter. We’re all leaving NOW!!”

She walked over and sadly put it over on the counter before walking back over to where they were walking out. I looked at Adam as he left and he gave me a sad smile and a little wave goodbye. It broke my heart to see the look on his face … he looked so frightened. I had a late shift and it was about 9pm when I was shutting down. I didn’t have a car so I started the 2 mile walk to where I lived. I could’ve taken a taxi but I didn’t like wasting money and having to really worry about my bills. I wanted to feel free to grab a drink at the corner bar or treat myself to a nice dinner every once in a while without having to worry. I was about halfway there when suddenly I was thrown off balance and shoved into a brick wall before being punched in the face. I spit up blood and then I saw Tyler standing over me.

“If you fucking even THINK about coming near Adam or the kids EVER again I’ll fucking kill you!! Mark my words!”

He kicked me with his boot before walking off my blood spattered on his jacket. Frightened I immediately hurried home the best I could, bruised to hell and bloodied. My roommate INSISTED I go to the hospital because the one cut on my forehead looked deep enough for stitches. She drove me over and then of course came all the questions. Did you know your attacker? Do you know how to find him? Do you want to press charges … blah blah blah. After insisting I had no idea who he was they stitched up my head with 10 stitches and another 4 above my lip. I had to open the store in the morning at 10am so I got up early knowing I was going to be feeling it. Boy did I … it felt as though a train had slammed into me. My boss was so concerned over me and wanted me to go home and get some sleep. As good as that sounded I really needed the money. I was about halfway thru my shift when I looked up to see Adam standing there by himself.

“I saw the blood … on his jacket. I’m soo sorry Sauli …” His eyes were wet with tears and he sniffled as he saw my face.

“Don’t be … it’s ok …”

“You’ve always been like that but it’s NOT ok Sauli. It’s not ok that a stupid fight over me being a dick and ignoring you broke us up. And it’s not ok for you to be ok with getting injured because of me … it’s just not ok.”

He stood there broken, falling apart before my very eyes and it killed me. The Adam I was seeing in front of me was NOT the Adam I knew. He was just a shadow of his former self. I slowly took his hand rubbing circles on the back of it. He relaxed slowing his breathing but I could tell just how hurt and defeated he was.

“Are you ok Adam?”

“No … no I really fucked up this time.”

“Can you fix it?”

“I don’t know … I’m scared Sauli. He hurts me and I … he makes me feel worthless. Threatened he would have the kids taken away from me if I didn’t marry him. All because I smoked a stupid joint at a party. I kinda broke when you left, didn’t want to admit to myself that I fucked up.”

“It wasn’t just you Adam … I was immature and I wasn’t being fair to you. I’m really sorry for that.” It was hard to admit it but it was the truth. It was both of our faults and in the years I’d been gone I had finally realized that.

“No don’t be, we’ve both grown.”

Standing in one position for the whole time Adam had been there was starting to get to be too much so I shifted wincing in pain. He saw and gave me a heartbroken look.

“It’s alright I just needed to readjust. All better now.” I bit my lip as another wave a pain soared thru my body. He noticed and went to take a step toward me.

“How bad is it Sauli … be honest with me?”

“It’s pretty bad … my chest is all bruised. Got 10 stitches in my head and 4 in my lip. But I’ll be ok don’t you worry about me.”

“You know that that’s what I’m best at …”

“I know … you always were protective, annoyingly so at times.”

He pouted playfully crossing his arms in mock disgust. “Hey!”

I smiled as best as I could with my jaw still hurting. He smiled back and approached gently hugging me. I let out a sigh and rested my head against his chest. How could this still feel so perfect … so right after all that had happened? It wasn’t fair …

“I’m sorry Sauli I have to go. He’ll freak out if I’m not back soon. Can I see you again?”

“Anytime Addy …”

“You know, you’re the only one I let call me that …”

He paused a moment staring back at me before he slowly left. God it hurt seeing him defeated like that.

After my shift I headed back to the apartment in a lot of pain. My boss forced me to take the next 2 days off with pay so I figured I could at least get some sleep. It was late about 11:30pm when there was a knock at my door. You had to go in the main apartment to get to my room so I knew it had to be my roommate. When I got to the door she looked at me with a worried face.

“Sauli some guy and kids are here. He says he knows you? I wasn’t sure if you wanted them back here or not?”

“Yeah it’s ok Rach send them back …”

A few moments later Adam and both of the kids came in my room shutting the door behind him. Avery was curled up in Adam’s arms looking petrified with a sizeable black and blue mark on her arm. He went to put her down and she clung to him like her life depended on it.

“It’s ok nobody will hurt you here I promise. Sauli, do you have any pillows and extra blankets?”

“There is a sleeper sofa in the guest room. I can get extra blankets. Come with me.”

They all followed me out into the hall and Rachael met us with an arm full of blankets and pillows. Adam got the sofa set up and then got both of the kiddos settled on it. He was kneeling down on one knee next to them and Ezra was trying to comfort his little sister … it was adorable.

“Daddy are we safe here?” Avery questioned her little voice trembling.

“Yes we’re safe …”

“Promise?”

“I promise …” She looked up at me questionably which was understandable in her current state. Poor little thing was traumatized. “Sauli would never hurt you sweetheart. He’s nice and he means a lot to daddy.”

She relaxed and I slowly walked over kneeling down with Adam. I had the purple scarf in my hand as I had bought it and brought it home with me that night knowing I would probably eventually at least see Adam again.

“I brought this for you princess …”

“You remembered this was my favorite ...”

“Of course I did you looked BEAUTIFUL. Here Ezra this is for you.”

I had gotten him a small pack of matchbox cars hoping he was still as obsessed with them as he was when he was younger. His eyes lit up and he squeezed my hand in excitement.

“Wow Ezzy those are your favorite things huh? What do you both say?”

“Thank you …” Both their voices joined in a tiny little echo. They were so sweet and appreciative.

“Time to get some sleep ok? Daddy will be back in a little bit I’ll be right in the next room if you need me just knock loud on this wall ok?”

They both nodded and after they each got a little snuggle, both settled down right away. After watching them a moment from the door, he gently closed the door and walked back into my room with me. As soon as we were alone in there he broke down sobbing. It damn near broke my heart …

“Adam … please don’t cry. Everything is going to be ok.”

I just opened my arms and brought him into them not knowing what else to do. After my holding him for a few minutes he tilted his head upwards and kissed me sending electricity flowing thru my veins. Damn I missed that feeling. He looked exhausted and just so emotionally drained. Gently I brought my hands to his face gently caressing the skin around his eyes.

“God I missed you Sauli …”

“I’ve missed you too … I don’t want you so sad it breaks my heart seeing you this way. You seem so defeated and you don’t deserve to EVER feel that way. You need to get some rest Addy.”

“I better go back in there with them.”

“You want a blanket or something?”

“No I’ll be ok the blankets on the sleeper sofa are enough. Thank you for being my safe place to land …”

“Always.”

He kissed my forehead and gave me a tiny smile before going back into the guest room. 


	23. Goodnight, Goodnight

I woke up early the next morning at 7:15am. My body was almost programed in a way to get up at that time by now. I was going to go back to sleep but I figured that I would go check on Adam and the kids and see if they were awake first. Slowly and quietly I made my way out into the hallway and carefully opened up the bedroom door. They were all sleeping Adam curled up in between with the both kids snuggled up against him. Standing there looking at the scene in front of me made me remember the last night before I left and the memories came flooding back to me.

_I was sitting in the living room fuming staring at my watch. Adam was supposed to be home 3 hours ago so that we could go on a date. We had made a promise to each other that Thursday nights were OUR nights. Leila or one of our friends would come over and babysit while we went out to do whatever. Even if whatever was just sitting in the park and people watching. The point wasn’t WHAT we were doing it was that whatever we chose to do we did it together JUST the two of us. The door finally opened and Ezra came running in like a Tasmanian devil and knocked over the urn that held my mother’s ashes smashing it._

_“EZRA LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!”_

_My screaming startled him even more than the shattering vase and he froze as his eyes grew big and wet with tears._

_“I sorry …”_

_“I TOLD YOU NOT TO RUN IN THE HOUSE!! WHY CAN’T YOU EVER LISTEN!?!”_

_Adam heard my screaming and came rushing in the living room placing the carseat at the doorway. He saw the shattered urn and Ezra sobbing crocodile tears my face beet red in anger._

_“Sauli stop he didn’t mean it! He’s still a baby …”_

_“It doesn’t matter if he meant it or not we’ve asked him not to run in the house! But of course you’d think that way but really that’s no big surprise there. You can’t even be trusted to keep your promises.”_

_“What the hell are you talking about?!?” He looked at me with annoyance over the whole situation._

_“It’s Thursday … it’s date night and you promised me you SWORE up and down that this is OUR night Adam!”_

_“I’m sorry Sauli … it completely slipped my mind what day it was.” He was genuinely upset about forgetting but at that moment in time I couldn’t have cared less._

_“Don’t bother apologizing I’m sick of your excuses all you care about is them!”_

_“They need parents Sauli what are we supposed to do let the state take them?!? Sometimes sacrifices need to be made regardless of if you want to make them or not. You need to grow up and realize that!”_

_“Go fuck yourself. Take him with you so I can clean this up.”_

_“Sowli I sorry … I help?” He looked at me with his big blue eyes desperate for forgiveness but instead I swung out my arm pushing him away._

_“NO! Go with Adam NOW!”_

_He quickly ran over to Adam clinging to his leg with fear on his face._

_“Just get the hell out of here I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”_

_“I don’t want anything to do with you either!! Just let me gather this up and I’m the fuck out of here for good!”_

I had started to cry a bit remembering and accidentally woke Adam up. He immediately rose a bit face full of concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry go back to sleep … just have something in my eye. I’ll see you later ok?”

Quickly and quietly I made my way into my room. I had just gotten resettled in bed when my door  opened and Adam walked inside. He slowly made his way over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it.

“Sauli … please tell me?”

“I woke up and thought I’d come check on the 3 of you. Looking at you curled up with them just made me remember the night I left. I was horrible to you … and Ezzy. I’m so … sorry.”

“It’s ok Sauli … we were young and stubborn. I’m sure you’ve grown quite a bit in the last 4 years as have I. Ezzy was too little he doesn’t remember any of it.”

“But I do, that’s bad enough …”

He got in bed next to me and leaned back against the headboard bringing me up against him on my back. His arm snaked around behind me and he lightly rubbed my back trying to get me to calm down. He had always been so good at doing that just by being there. After about 15 minutes I looked over at him.

“You better go back in there with them.” My eyes were growing heavier by the minute and I knew I was going to fall back asleep..

“I don’t have to if you don’t want me to. They’ll be ok they know where I am. Plus this bed is SOO comfy.”

“Is it the bed or is it because I’m here?” I teased as Adam gave me a little smirk.

“Ok … well maybe a bit of both. That couch really is hell on my back though. Even the kids had a bit of trouble falling asleep on it.”

“Sorry … I wish it was more comfy.”

“Oh no it’s ok they were fine once they were out. I think it was more because of what happened and being in a new environment.”

“What did happen Adam? Is that mark on Avery’s arm from him?”

“Yeah … he smelled your cologne on me and flipped out. Threw everything that was in every closet and drawer onto the living room floor. Even throwing stuff down from the 2nd level. He went after Avery when she went down to get her favorite teddy bear he had taken. She has trouble sleeping without him. He slapped her and she lost her balance and slammed her arm into the edge of the wall. He would’ve hurt her more if I wouldn’t have stepped in. Paid a price for that though …. and she never did get the bear back.”

He rolled up the sleeve of his shirt on his other arm to show a bandage wrapped around his upper arm. It was partially see thru and I could tell there were quite a few stitches under there.

“Does it hurt?” My protective instincts kicked in immediately it was crazy how there were still here. How it felt like they had never left at all.

“Nah if I can get thru chemo I can get thru this. This is nothing …” I yawned and Adam looked at me with a little giggle. “Somebody still sleepy I see?”

“Yeah didn’t have a real restful night kept waking up. Was planning on going back to bed once I checked on all of you.”

“Sleep sweetheart it’s ok. I’ll stay right here with you …”

“You can go … if you want.”

I yawned and instead of leaving Adam laid down next to me letting me snuggle up against him. He always did have the magic touch with me and I was out less than 5 minutes later. When I woke up a few hours later I had Adam and both kids curled up in my bed which thankfully was a king. As soon as they realized I was awake Avery moved over and snuggled against me giving me a hug.

“Good morning sweetie …”

“Good morning Sauli … daddy said we could go to the movies today! Do you want to come with us?”

“As long as it’s ok with your daddy I’d love to.”

“Of course Sauli … you’re always welcome. Come on you two lets go in the other room so Sauli can get ready to leave.” Both the kids gave me hugs and Adam gently rubbed my arm before walking out leaving me to get ready.

I quickly took a shower and put on an old pair of jeans that were always Adam’s favorite. He always said they made my ass look AMAZING. They were a little bit tighter but still completely wearable. After choosing a shirt at random I grabbed my leather jacket and walked out into the hallway. I could smell food from the kitchen and when I walked in there was Adam and Rachael making pancakes. Adam must’ve said something funny because Rachael was giggling hysterically.

“Mmm something smells good.”

“Daddy and Rachael are making pancakes for us! I LOVE them!” Ezra was SO excited … it was a welcome change around here that’s for sure.

“They’re my favorite too Ezra.”  

“Tell Sauli what kind you like to eat Avery …”

“Peanut butter!!”

“Now where did she get that from Mr. Peanut Butter obsessed?”

Adam giggled and finished stacking the pancakes on the plate both plain and peanut butter. I decided to be brave and try a bite of a peanut butter one and surprisingly it was really good.

“Not bad huh?” Adam teased taking another huge bite of one.

“No it’s actually really good.”

“Here …” He put a little piece of his on a fork and dangled it in front of my mouth. I saw the kids smiling at the sight out of the corner of my eye and took it with my teeth giving him a sheepish smile afterward.

We all finished up our breakfasts and I went to wash my hands before leaving. As I was getting ready to leave the bathroom I heard Avery talking to Adam about me so I listened in.

“Daddy I like him …”

“You do?”

“Yeah he’s really nice. Can you marry him instead?”

“It’s not that easy sweetpea …”

“Well try ok? He makes you smile a lot.”

I quietly chuckled a bit to myself and after waiting a few seconds walked out into the hallway.

“Alright are we ready to go? What are we going to go see?”

“Big Hero 6! They’re superheroes!!” Ezra exclaimed his eyes huge with wonder.

“Baymax is in it! He’s funny and big and puffy.”

“And he goes like this!” Ezra demonstrated how Baymax fist pounds by putting his hand out and going ‘bah-la-la-la-la’ as he lifts it. I giggled at him and Adam smiled at me.

“We’ve been to see it already … they’re a little obsessed.”

“Daddy after the movie can we go to the Disney Store to get our own Baymax?!?” Avery stared at him with her gorgeous crystal blue eyes and it was so hard to tell her no.

“I don’t know sweetheart. You each just got a toy two days ago.”

“But we don’t have them here …” Ezra sighed sadly and Adam frowned seeing him upset.

“We’ll be able to go home in a few days ok? Then you’ll have all your toys again.”

“Leeloo too?”

“I hope so Avery …”

I was going to ask who Leeloo was when Adam ushered the troops out to the car. They got themselves buckled in and we started the drive to the movie theater. The closest one was attached to The Grove which was this HUGE mall. The movie was adorable and the kids had a BLAST. It was really awesome to see the world thru their eyes. They had JUST put in a Disney Store a few weeks before at The Grove so Adam was trying not to let them see it. But of course it didn’t work they spotted it and started jumping up and down in excitement.

“Daddy please?!?”

“Please we’ll be good!?!”

Adam pulled out his wallet and pulled back the money area to see there was only $30 dollars there. He let out a small sigh and pulled the money out of the spot.

“Ok but we are only getting one so you have to share.”

“But daddy …”

“No buts Ezra daddy just bought movie tickets and snacks at the theater that was $75. So will you both share Baymax?”

They both nodded and I looked at Adam speaking softly to him as we walked so they wouldn’t hear as they were a few steps ahead of us skipping toward the store.

“I’ll buy them so they can each have their own.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure.”

“The bank account is locked so I can’t access it. Filed paperwork for an annulment and he had access to the account. I knew he would try to drain it when he found out. Police said I had to wait until he was served with the papers to get him out of the house. He’s supposed to be served tomorrow. So until then I just had $105.”

“I can pay you for my ticket … you didn’t have to buy it.” I reached for my wallet and he grabbed my arm halting the movement.

“No Sauli don’t be silly it’s ok. It’s the least I can do …”

We got to the store and they ran over to the pile of stuffed animals. Ezra snatched a baymax from the display and Avery just stared at them.

“Go ahead you grab one too.”

“But daddy said we have to share …”

“I know he did but I’m going to buy them so you can each have your own baymax. This way you both can have a friend to look out for you while you’re at my house.”

She smiled and clutched a baymax holding him tightly as she hugged me with her other arm.

“Thank you SOO much.”

“You’re welcome Avery. Now come on let’s pay so we can leave we have to go get the car.”

They insisted on riding on our shoulders back to the garage so I had Avery on mine and Adam had Ezzy. We spent the rest of the night together watching TV. It was finally time for bed so they both came over for hugs goodnight and Adam walked them from my room into the guest room. After a while I could hear Avery crying and I peeked my head out of my door to find Adam pacing the hallway on his phone. He noticed me standing there and walked over.

“Do you remember their aunt’s name?”

“No why?”

“She won’t sleep without Leeloo.” He let out a sigh rubbing his temples with a look of frustration.

“Who’s Leeloo?”

“It’s this stuffed bear she’s had since she’s a baby.”

“Won’t she just sleep with baymax instead?”

“No. I don’t think it’s so much the bear itself she doesn’t actually sleep with it, it sits on the headboard of her bed. Her aunt sent it to her when she was a baby and I have no idea where I can find it to get another because I know Tyler broke it. It plays this song and even though I have it memorized and tried to sing it to her she tells me it’s not the same she wants THAT song. I tried googling the song to try to find the bear but it’s not working. It doesn’t even recognize the song let alone a bear that plays it. I hate seeing her this upset. She plays it EVERY night before she goes to bed then gives it a kiss and puts it on the headboard he’s her protector.”

My breath caught in my throat realizing what he was talking about. About a week after I left I started really regretting what happened and tried to call Adam but he had my number blocked. I called Avery’s aunt and asked if she would tell Adam that a package was coming from them so that I could send the babies each a present. It was my way of saying goodbye and showing them how much they truly meant to me. For Ezra I got this huge dinosaur that was remote controlled with lights and sounds since he was OBSESSED with them. For Avery I wanted something different. I wanted her to feel my love even if I’d never see her again. With Ezra at least he KNEW me even if he wouldn’t remember. Avery was so tiny I wanted her to have a lasting memory. So I found this company online that let you send in an audio recording of yourself singing or talking and they would implant it in the bear. When I was little my mom always used to sing a certain song to me before bed so it definitely didn’t take long for me to decide on what to record for the bear. I sent in the recording of me singing the song and 2 weeks later I had this toffee tan colored bear that was the softest thing in the world. I had never sung to Adam other than goofing around singing so I knew he wouldn’t recognize my voice. I hesitated a moment and then looked up at Adam.

“Can I go in and try?”

“Of course …”

I slowly walked in to see Ezra knocked out sleeping and Avery curled up in the recliner on the other side of the room a mess of sniffles. She saw me and raised her arms for me to take her. I sat down on the chair bringing her down on my lap.

“Hey princess … don’t cry it’s ok.”

“No it’s not … I know papa got rid of Leeloo. Now I’ll never have him again …”

“You have your memory of Leeloo and now you have Baymax to watch over you and keep you safe just like Leeloo.”

“But it’s not the same … Leeloo was special and I loved him.”

“I know sweetheart. Sometimes the things we love can’t be ours forever but we can have fun and love the time we do have together. Here’s Baymax you just stay right here with me and both me and Baymax will keep you safe ok?”

She nodded and I kissed her forehead as she snuggled into my chest. I noticed Adam standing at the door watching out of the corner of my eye but he didn’t know I could see. My hand gently ran thru her hair and after a few minutes I started to sing the song to her.

*Goodnight, goodnight it’s time to say goodnight. Sleep tight and then I’ll be with you again. Remember that I love you that’s all you need to know. And keep that love inside you wherever you may go. Goodnight, goodnight … goodnight.*

Her little eyes filled with recognition and she just stared at me. “That’s the song Leeloo played … it was you!?!”

“Yes sweetheart … that’s me. You never have to be afraid again I won’t let anyone hurt you … or your brother.”

“I love you Sauli …”

“I love you too Avery Grace …”

She closed her eyes and very soon she was out cold. I gently carried her over to the sofa and set her down with her still clutching Baymax. Adam was no longer at the door but when I went in my room he was sitting on the bed with tear stains down his cheeks.

“Those gifts were from you?”

“I tried to call you back … I wanted to apologize. But by then you had my number blocked. So I called Avery’s aunt and asked her if she would message you asking to send gifts for the kids. I didn’t want you to know they were from me … I was afraid you wouldn’t give them to the kids if you did. I loved and still love them, soo much. Being away from them made me realize that. I wanted them to know me … in some small way it took away a bit of the hurt.”

“How could you send such beautiful presents feeling like you’d never see them again?”

“Their safety and happiness meant more to me than my own did. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made even if you don’t want to make them. Someone very special to me once told me that …”


End file.
